The relationship: From Ideal to Reality

1960, THE WOMAN

HUSBAND AND WIFE…

In the upbringing, in the education once given to a young girl to become – in the understanding of the now-defunct order – a good wife, there were included several essential rules of conduct, meant to instill in her from the start the feeling of inferiority toward the man.

From the beginning, a girl had to know that the path to the respect of society was gained only at the arm of a man with a position, who gave her the endorsement of his name, and only as an appendage to the man who walked ahead of her through the world.

She knew from her mother, her grandmother, her aunts, that a good wife must first and foremost be a good housekeeper, to sow. To know how to keep silent. Not to take initiatives. To feel indebted with gratitude toward the man who supported her.

Such an ethic had almost coerced the woman into the role of accomplice in her own disparagement.

An entire world lived under the sign of this axiom, which forbade half of humanity from having its own path, from testing its own strength, from facing the risks of life on its own.

This was a world in which the woman had access only through the appraisal of a man. Those who tried to gain moral and material independence, those who entered a profession, had to prove themselves ten times better than a man in order for their capacity to compete with him to be acknowledged, even in part.

And if the boldness of having entered a competition was sanctioned, among other things, with the withdrawal of the certificate of femininity. Femininity was confused with aesthetic ornamentation, therefore, even today, women who try to win their own dignity, in a man’s society, are considered devoid of femininity.

The relations between husband and wife were, more often than not, based on neither spiritual harmony, nor a harmonizing of temperaments, nor any conscious effort at communication, but only on the juridically crippled ratification of an uncertain emotional bond.

A valuable woman, although sometimes acknowledged as “smart,” was regarded with reservations. If it was a matter of a wife, the “size of the dowry” also counted in the moral composition of the man (if it was a matter of a wife).

Obviously, we refer to bourgeois education, which imposed its ethics and morally justified this conception – as typical.

Is it any wonder that the vulgar understanding of life, ostentatiously displayed at its occasion and in its place, managed to create so many solitary situations within the intimacy of the home? More precisely: that so many intimate misunderstandings could not be resolved even through a sense of camaraderie, nor through the maturity of the capacity to understand, to know, to adapt to one another?

What conception of a static, professional-type society, where “a woman’s purpose in life” was confused with the mission of reproduction, could make so many minds estrange themselves, live isolated in a common couple, settled precisely on the foundation of a consensus of spirit?

This common way of understanding a social relationship, this blockage of psychological communication between two people with shared problems, made life as a couple in many cases only an outwardly formal relationship, with the same exploitations and the same clichés.

Modern living conditions and the society in which we live – the social activity of both spouses – impose a revision of their position, a rethinking of the notion of marriage, and especially a rebuilding of their fundamental relationship.

Of course, a man can no longer be content today with a wife who knows only how to wash, to sew, and to cook. He rightly seeks a life partner who can be a spiritual and moral collaborator. And because this type of humanity, this type of common person and close friend, becomes more viable than the model of the obedient, unknowing woman, the ideal type of marriage will have to be a community of higher interests, with people bound not by habit but by common convictions about life and their role in society.

Use of skills

• I am a graduate of a technical school and have done practical training in the machine industry.
• Perfect! You will work at the typewriter.

(Drawing by Fred Ghenădeșcu)

Not long ago, I learned the following case:
They met in the institution where they both worked and married after a whirlwind romance. Out of jealousy, he demanded that she quit her job, and she, out of weakness and naivety, accepted his conditions. Very soon, however, he began to complain that his wife was unfortunate, that she could not rise to the level of his interests, that she vegetated, and in conclusion, that between the two of them he felt like a little bird.

Their love, which had blossomed so beautifully, began to fade, to rust.

Of course, love cannot feed on its own substance, but its presence can be ensured through common efforts; by strengthening the shared perception of values; by participating in each other’s aspirations. It is maintained and grows in vitality only if it becomes spiritual and if each one’s life resources are completed by the other.

Sometimes a husband’s selfishness may seem easier to bear outside of marriage, but most often, he does not forgive the other’s inability to accompany him toward a broader horizon of knowledge and aspirations.

In general, if you cannot reach the core of the other person, if you are incapable of participating with them in a sincere exchange of ideas and feelings, it is very likely that you have never truly married and perhaps have never truly known love. And that is why I say that, in general, where a marriage fails, both spouses are to blame, whether it is a matter of an immature person whose fault is a lack of understanding, or a woman treated in an overly serious way in our essentials.

“Gifts”

• I thought I’d get you something practical. You know, flowers wilt, dresses go out of style…

Sidonia Drăgușanu

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1960, FLACĂRA

Life as a Couple

Six young people from Bucharest – three young men and three young women – meet in these pages. Who are they? Before introducing them, allow us to greet them with a rich bouquet of carnations and warm handshakes, because we are talking about three couples, from the many pairs of newlyweds, the “class” – so to speak – of the year that has just ended…

We had not met the young people we are talking about. The meeting with them stirred a thousand and one questions: about life, about love, about age, about studies, about families, about aspirations… – all of these very useful for getting to know them. Two questions, however, proved to be completely outdated.
The first: did they marry for love or for love… of a dowry?
The second: did they meet on their own or did they use the services of a… matchmaker?

The encounter with the new youth showed us how anachronistic such questions are today, questions that could only have arisen from morals long since abolished. They disappeared long ago – chased away by the new life – along with matrimonial agencies, with “small ads,” with everything that “supplied” – for a fee or rate – the “happiest” marriage offers and requests.

So, it is not at all surprising that the young people we meet today, the three young men and the three young women, married without a matchmaker and without “dowry demands.”

They simply married because they knew each other well, because they loved each other, because they had the same aspirations, the same healthy education.

Since then, since they got married, a year or almost a year has passed. How are things in their homes today? Here they are. We present them to you briefly in text and images…

Costel and Nina

He, 26 years old, she, 21. They both work at the “Grivița Roșie” Complex. Their love story began far from Bucharest – not with a rose, nor with a small bouquet of violets, but with a rarer flower: a white water lily, picked by Costel from the heart of the Delta for Nina’s heart.

How long has it been since then…? It feels like yesterday they went on an excursion on the Danube. And yet… it has been a year since Nina, a graduate of the secondary school of metallurgy, became the wife of locksmith Costel Neagoe.

A warm, pleasant home, a balanced, clean life, just as they had wished for. And all of this, achieved in proportion to their material conditions and the enthusiasm with which they set out in life.

Are they happy? Without a doubt.

Someone, however, asked them an indiscreet question:

• Have you had disagreements?

• Honestly speaking, only one! – Nina smiles. The cause? Football. But it passed…

Costel, a supporter of “Rapid,” had to choose – not in favor of another team, but in favor of Nina. Because Nina doesn’t care much for the sport with the round ball. She likes traveling, music, excursions, mountaineering.

Costel adapted. Now he leafs through his travel notes from the past year.

• The ‘59 vacation? We spent it together on the seashore, at Eforie. Then we visited family in the surroundings of Calafat… Afterwards, an exchange of experiences with UTM members from Transylvania took us to Cluj. More recently… I visited Moscow and Kyiv – on an ARLUS excursion. But there, I went alone, sent by the UTM.

— In fact – Costel specifies – the series of foreign trips in our family was started by Nina. She went to Sofia with the artistic ensemble of the Grivița Roșie Club.

— So you are even then?
— I don’t think so. I traveled by TU-104. That’s something Nina hasn’t planned yet. Maybe this year. Until then, there are other things…

New furniture and… a new home. We didn’t rush with the house. First, we wanted to welcome… Daniel!

— Who?
— Our first child.
— But if it’s a girl?
— Simple: Daniela! Do you like the name?

Petrică and Nuți Trandafir

They recently moved into a block on Episcopul Vulcan Street. He – right forward at “Laminorul,” she – contender for the title of bowling champion. Their actual professions, however, are different: he is a quality inspector at the foundry of the “Boleslaw Bierut” works; she – a rate setter at the rolling mill of the same enterprise.

— What have you achieved in your first year of marriage?
— An apartment, a “Concert” radio, a gas stove, two sports diplomas, a vacation in Borsec and two excursions: one to the mountains, to Sinaia, another to the seaside, to Vasile Roaită.

— How do you spend your free time?
— We read a lot!
— What are your preferences?
— Algebra, chemistry, mathematics, history. We are… school students – I’m in 10th grade, he’s in 8th grade.

Anghel and Maria Niculae

He – an electrician at “Grivița Roșie,” she – a nurse at the “Emilia Irza” hospital. When he asked for her hand in marriage, the girl’s parents said:
— In a year, when she has her dowry gathered…
— I’ll take her without it! – Anghel replied. Life is easier and more beautiful together. We’ll make the dowry ourselves.

Six or seven months have passed, and in their apartment there is already a triple wardrobe, an elegant divan, a radio, and more. How did they get them?
— By both working, managing money carefully, paying in installments.

He is 25. She is not yet 20.

Anghel has earned a reputation as a good homemaker even in the workshop. His brigade recovered 27,000 kg of scrap iron in one go.

At home, their plans include: a television, a three-burner gas stove, and more…

Together, life becomes more and more beautiful.

Photo reportage by F. Urseanu (text) and Elena Oheră (photographs)

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1964, THE WOMAN

The day you said: “YES!”

In the memory of every woman lingers the recollection of important events: the first teenage dress, finishing school, or the first date… As well as the memory of the dress she wore on her wedding day.

It is natural then that the young bride should give, also from a clothing perspective, the proper importance to this event. The outfit, naturally festive, will be chosen according to her age and figure.

Young girls dream, of course, of a white dress and a natural flower in their hair or – where it is customary – a discreet floral adornment, a small veil, or a white hat. Particularly youthful are dresses of cotton lace or synthetic fibers. Those made of tie silk or shantung are tailored in such a way that they can later be worn on any occasion. The simple line, the modest neckline, imposed by the nature of the ceremony, are compensated by the elegance of the accessories – shoes, handbag, gloves – preferably white.

Women who are not so young wear to the wedding a dress or a colored ensemble (silk or fabric), whose elegant accessories – a small white hat, a necklace, or a flower on the chest – give it an air of elegance and femininity.

In the cold season, the coat or overcoat worn over the wedding outfit can also acquire, through a small accent – a flower or a piece of jewelry – the festive look required by the occasion.

Victoria Caragea

1967, THE WOMAN’S ALMANAC

Are you ready for marriage?

This question appeared in a questionnaire published in the French magazine Marie-Claire. We adapted the test for our readers and present it to you as a form of entertainment.

Have you, up to this age, had many friends, both male and female? YES – NO

Lately, have you had a steady boyfriend? YES – NO

Have you had the opportunity to check whether your mutual feelings are well established? YES – NO

Have you discussed with your boyfriend the matter of marriage and found that you have common views? YES – NO

Does your boyfriend have a consistently calm and quiet tone? YES – NO

Do you both agree that, in some matters, each can be right in their own way? YES – NO

Do you have common or similar tastes regarding: plays, films, music, or books? YES – NO

Have you always liked children? YES – NO

Are you what is called “a perfect housewife”? YES – NO

Have your parents had a happy marriage? YES – NO

Have you so far been interested in matters related to family and education? YES – NO

Do you like to do for your future husband small non-household favors – a phone call, getting a book, buying a fishing hook, etc.? YES – NO

Now, give yourself two points for each YES, one point if you have any doubt, and zero for NO.

If you total 24 points, you can consider your preparation for marriage to be very good;
18–23 – good;
12–17 – sufficient;
and below 12 points means your preparation is poor or that… the test has some gaps.

1967, THE WOMAN

The seven virtues of the perfect husband
and how a wife should be in order to keep the marriage

Following investigations and surveys carried out among married women from several countries about the qualities a man should possess in order to contribute to marital harmony or the durability of the marriage, here are the answers published in the London magazine Housewife, under the title: The Perfect Order Husband.

• Tenderness
  Wives value tenderness most in their beloved husbands. The most remarkable thing, however, is that most men imagine they no longer scratch away this quality: 45% of women declare, “he doesn’t even tell me from time to time: I love you” – a bitter confession!

• Vigorous and sparkling
  What does it matter if you are a vigorous and sparkling man in society, but behave with her as if love were a nuisance? Friends don’t keep anyone warm!

• Politeness
  This means not forgetting your words, that is, avoiding the extreme of “serving up a lump of gross rudeness,” which often brings women to tears. “If my husband spoke to me the way he speaks to his friends, things would be different between us” – is the reply of one wife. When you are polite, you do nothing but demonstrate goodwill and respect.

4. Sociability
   All is well and good, but the husband does not want to move from in front of the television set. They completely lack sociability and love for family.
5. Generosity
   The most bitter confessions come from those wives who have had the opportunity to admire the sparkling wit of their husbands in the company of outsiders, while at home they are silent and sullen. Wives long for husbands who give symbolic gifts, small gestures – a flower on her birthday, a smile on an anniversary, etc. A marriage is felt in their lives and in the clarity of exactly what matters.
6. Intelligence
   Those who are happy admit that their partners possess intelligence, fine humor, and sensitivity. It is a great joy to have someone to talk to!

7. Honesty
   An intimate bond, concretized in marriage, becomes impossible if it is not sustained by sincerity and integrity, with honesty being essential.

How a wife should be to keep the marriage
by Tudor Mușatescu

Not to show in public that she is smarter than her husband, even if in reality she is.

To have an occupation, whether in the home or outside it.

To like her husband’s profession even outside of payday.

Never to want things her husband cannot provide.

Not to unlearn the “luck” of ironing in marriage.

To be punctual at meetings with her husband in town and not keep him waiting, already dressed elegantly from home.

Not to speak about people she does not know, nor about books she does not read.

Not to talk much on the phone, and especially not to laugh.

To receive visitors even when it does not please her.

To be well dressed at home as well.

Not to ask for perfumes but to perfume herself nonetheless, not only on special occasions.

To be devoted and to do everything when needed and nothing just for show.

Not to nag. Above all, not to nag. Absolutely mandatory – not to nag.

______________

1971, THE WOMAN

Commandments for the use of the ideal husband

The caricaturist Jacques Charmoz has offered to husbands eager to protect the peace of their homes a series of commandments.
We present some of them to you… perhaps there will be some willing to follow them.

Be attentive to your wife at any hour of the day or night.

Maintain your figure.

Take care of the children.

Notice and praise her new hairstyle.

Like everything she has cooked.

Always be considerate and chivalrous with her.

Watch your language in her presence.

Give her a small car.

_____________________

1972, THE WOMAN

Life as a couple is learned
by Cici Iordache

“And you would like me to answer that it is learned,” one of the interviewees once replied to us.

We do not seek prefabricated answers, but start from a truth that neither the supporters of the pseudo-theory of the “outdated couple” nor the most ferocious “traditionalists” can contest:
SHE is no longer and does not want to be the “possession” of the man. She wants to remain HERSELF – the person, not just the woman.

HE no longer wants just any partner, submissive, gently loving, but an equal, free, complete woman.

The harmony of the human couple is now established differently, from other harmonies and other disagreements. Here are three stories from Iași that answer the question: is life as a couple learned?

“I think I’ve found the golden key”
Maria and Dumitru Chiriac

She – 23 years old, he – 26. They met at work. They live independently, alone in one room with their son. They married romantically and decisively, establishing from the start that they would live neither with her parents nor with his.

He – assistant foreman at the silk weaving mill in Iași – stands out professionally, but also notices Maria: delicate, hardworking, intelligent. He falls in love with her. Rumors appear. Maria rejects him for eight months because of gossip that he was married.

One night, he writes her a letter: “Why I love you, that I am serious, that I want you to be my wife, and I want an answer within 24 hours!”
She replies reservedly but clearly: she agrees to talk. The marriage followed.

— Is life as a couple learned?
— “Of course! Day by day you learn from each other.”
— What did he learn?
— “Not to subdue me, not to turn me into a robot. To let me advance at work, to understand each other mutually.”

Maria is taking on a new role at the factory. “Exactly what I’d like my husband never to forget!”

“Marriage is the self-education of each of the two”
Gheorghe and Adriana Gherasim

He – 27, foreman; she – 32, pediatric nurse. A balanced couple, mutual respect, harmony.

— Adjustment period?
— “It lasts 1–2 years or more, depending on the qualities and temperament of the partners.”

Gheorghe left home at 13. He self-educated. He fell in love with an older woman and overcame prejudices.

“Why is a woman denied the right to love a younger man, while a man is allowed anything?”

He helps in the household, does not accept that his wife works alone. He wants her informed, not just a housekeeper. He respects femininity but also intelligence.

— What is the secret of harmony?
— “Renunciations. Reason must say ‘no’ where temptation says ‘yes.’ Affairs can leave wounds.”

“Oh, what a wonderful love story…!”
Una and Stelian Roiu

Both – 32 years old. Three children. She – textile engineer, he – doctor.

They met in a tram. They did not exchange names. They met again only when she was in her 4th year and he in his 1st year of Medicine. They fell in love, married, and supported each other.

They lived on scholarships, studied in turns, raised children in parallel with exams. He took his state exam with a grade of 10 – father of three children.

— What attracted you?
— “The fact that I could put all my worries on his shoulders and be left only with the joys.”

— And after 6 years?
— “Even more so. I inherited a simple philosophy: ‘A home is kept with understanding.’”

Life as a couple for them means affinities, inner strength, trust in people, and much work without complaints.

“We do not tire morally, so neither physically. We find our balance because we do what we love.”

_____________

1974, SCÎNTEIA TINERETULUI

Family counseling

Iolanda Șocner-Mitrofan, psychologist

The formation and evolution of a family is a process that concerns not only individual destiny but also a problem with broad social significance. Care for a person takes its highest form in the subtle and difficult attempt to help them achieve fulfillment not only professionally and civically but also as an emotional individual.

The psychologist has no right to decide on marriage, but has the obligation to watch over its evolution and to do everything to prevent and counteract destructive tendencies.

Today there is more and more talk about the “psychological compatibility” or “incompatibility” between spouses and about its harmful consequences on marital relations. Divorce is a painful reality, frequent among young families.

Is it possible to anticipate – even partially – what will happen to a couple after marriage? Can one evaluate how psychologically compatible the two partners are? How willing they are to “adapt” to one another?

The answer: Yes, with the help of the psychologist, who has scientific means of evaluation and can help the couple:

• to discover each other,

• to learn to respect each other,

• to learn to love each other genuinely,

• to live, not just to play a role in the family.

Forms of applying family counseling

For efficiency, marital counseling needs an adequate institutional framework, which can be organized on three levels:

• In civil status offices (marriage registries):

• Premarital psychological evaluations;

• Discreet and formative counseling, which prepares the “subjective ground” of the future marriage.

• In polyclinics:
  Counseling and family psychodiagnosis offices;
  Monitoring couple life, consultations in case of conflicts;
  Psychoprophylaxis and, when necessary, psychotherapy.
• Within the courts:
  Analysis of the causes of divorces;
  Interventions for reconciliation and regaining marital balance.

Marriage counseling is no longer just a generous idea, but a real necessity in contemporary society. In our socialist system, where social responsibility for individual happiness is essential, the psychologist can become an active, efficient actor, involved in improving family relationships.
For this, it is essential:
the enthusiasm and competence of the psychologist,
the moral and institutional support of society.

editor: Andrei Bârsan

____________________

1975, WOMAN

Living beautifully in the family — an act of tact and wisdom
Dialogue with psychologist Dr. Geta Dan-Spinoiu
— We would be interested to hear from you, esteemed comrade doctor Geta Dan-Spinoiu, who, as we know, participated in the debates of that free People’s Tribunal within the framework of the World Population Conference, how it was stated there that the moral values of the contemporary family should be regarded. It is a theme that currently concerns all humanity intensely, and perhaps it would not be an exaggeration, even if we refer to the situation across the entire globe.
— Indeed, at that Conference, the “modern” was identified with the acquisition of common values. With the right to express opinions, we were also brought scientific observations provided by the brief and rich synthesis of the debates and psychological responses. Given the totally different ways of life in many countries of the world, the representation of the conjugal ideal is different. Sometimes we rush to give a categorical answer. I confess that I am reluctant towards any society that has its own type of modern family, which approaches, more or less, the general tendencies of humanity’s development.
From all the analyses reported and presented by representatives of the world, it emerged that families are becoming heterogeneous and developing differently today. It cannot be irrelevant — the rationalism of marriage in Sweden, where liberalism is dominant, or in Somalia, where the idea of marriage is still maintained exclusively under the incidence of necessity. It is not irrelevant, for the basis of family education, that in England or Nigeria, in the USA or Bangladesh, France or Indonesia — as is understood — based on family values, the fact that it is part of a capitalist or socialist society, or of social classes and parties belonging to the same society.
In this case, it might be appropriate to reflect on the causes that generate such heterogeneity of families. Moreover, even in the discussions at the People’s Tribunal, there were many references to the role of socio-economic factors in orienting the family.
Obviously, these factors being the determining force, we all agree on that. Surprisingly, some representatives of neo-Marxist ideologies came to openly acknowledge their influence.
But here too a question arises: what exactly determines the orientation of family behavior? The answer is that this orientation is never unique. It becomes functional through psychic processes. Therefore, there was also discussion about the multiple influences of external variants — influences coming from outside.
In the report presented by one of Nigeria’s representatives, cultural factors that imposed themselves were highlighted, through intermediaries who showed an internal sense of family. Some of these factors have a remarkable influence. For example, moral instinctualization determines individuals’ attitudes toward moral values, influenced in the process of critical reflection on traditions, the status and role of the individual in society, and others that influence the lifestyle in the family — either according to the traditional model, or under the pressure of moving to modern value codes.

Would we be wrong to think that urbanization produces moral progress in the family?
— In some directions, yes, in others no. On the one hand, a type of family conduct from the urban environment is closer to what “civilization” means.
It can be said that urban life has generated, to some extent, in many families, since intense participation outside the home changes the meaning of this framework, this framework becoming passive for some individuals. The family’s ability to adapt to these changes must be created.
If we cannot fully identify the moral values that develop in families from different existing social settings today, I believe that we can speak of something common, if we think about the dynamic aspects of these families.

In a way yes, and the discussions held at the People’s Tribunal revealed this fact. Our century has its profile, its distinctive characteristics, and regarding the family, a few clear tendencies stand out: the transition from family morality subordinated to dogmas to one accepted consciously, selectively; this explains the new orientations of the family within the social-situational framework; it is observed that from a strict interest in the present there is a transition to a certain foreshadowing of the moral values of the future.
Moral values internal to the family’s psychological nature, and strict moral values internalized by the family group. All these tend to underpin the ethical dynamism of the family, more simply put, the ethical orientation in which each person wants and leaves their own path.

It is an interesting conclusion: family morality as a psychological factor in strengthening the family
— That’s right. I believe that this aspect, especially in last year’s Almanac, gave us a good opportunity to reflect on the moral function in family life. The family is not just a home for rest and refuge in leisure time, but one in which unity is produced through the activities specific to this life.
Here one finds stability and balance. It has been found that many of the neuroses and mental illnesses of the century are due to home conflicts and the lack of security and belonging in the family. A study on automobile accidents showed that a large part of these occurred in situations where drivers were facing family troubles. The need for security and moral-affective balance in the family is paramount.

There is a function of great importance in the family — the educational one
PHOTO 43
— Yes, and this reflects a fundamental formative role. If a young person learns to adapt to the life of their parents, they will have a great chance to adapt to the life of their own family. It happens that some spouses, as a result of their parents’ lifestyle, repeat their mistakes, while others will adopt an improved conduct precisely as a reaction.
This moral and adaptive reflection is essential. Family morality is not eliminated — it is continuously reconstructed through education, model, and cooperation.

And how would you define, in general, the common morality of family life?
— Very simply (in form): common morality is a process of interiorization, not an addition. Each person can be correct, honest, valuable in their own way, but a “we” cannot be formed without the other. Self-sharing becomes that founding element of family life.
Living beautifully in the family is therefore an act of great tact, wisdom, and goodwill — to live together with others.

1. Dima

___________________

1976, FLACĂRA IAȘULUI

There is no reason for it to be otherwise
by Georgeta Mitrache
— How was the beginning of your marriage?
— Natural. We got married after getting to know each other better. We met, we liked each other, we consulted with our parents, but the decision was ours. Each had a good opinion of the other, and that was essential.
This is how many families begin. And they begin well. As in the case of the two spouses from Iași, Ileana and Marin Iacob, who have been living together for ten years, in harmony, in an atmosphere of mutual respect.
She is a teacher, he is a scientific researcher. They met in college, at the “Al. I. Cuza” University of Iași. They live alone, in a modest but clean and welcoming apartment, together with their son.

Each remained themselves
— What did you consider essential for the success of living together?

— Not to radically change for each other, but to grow together. Each remained themselves, but with care for the other.
The Iacobs did not rely on a model or on rules imposed from outside. They created their own reference points for life together. Nothing rigid, nothing formal. Everything grew naturally from daily life.
— Have you had conflicts?
— Of course, like any people. But we got used to talking, understanding what each did wrong, and not repeating the mistake.
— What does “wisdom in the family” mean to you?
— The ability to give in, to listen, to build together, even when you could go on your own. The family is a team.

The Need to Talk

— How do you communicate?
— A lot. Whenever we have time. And not just about important things, but also about small ones. This is how you learn how the other thinks, how they feel, what concerns them. We don’t like long silences. Silence sometimes hides a rupture.
— Are there decisions you make separately?
— No. Everything is discussed. We trust each other and take each other’s opinions into account. We don’t always agree, but we always reach a common ground.

The Child Is Not “Hers” or “His”
They have an eight-year-old boy. They call him by name, talk to him, involve him. They educate by example, not by orders.
— How have you divided roles in education?
— We haven’t divided them. We are both his parents. If we have different opinions, we discuss them between ourselves, not in front of him. The child must feel stability, unity, not contradiction.
— Is it hard to be an involved father?
— No. It’s hard to be absent. Participation is natural. It is not help that I give; it is my role.

We Don’t Have Rules, We Have Understandings
— Have you divided the household chores?
— Not on paper. Each does what needs to be done. If one is busy, the other takes over. If we are both home, we do them together. We don’t have preset “duties” and “rights.” We take care of the house.
— Who does the shopping?
— Whoever can on that day. Usually me, says Marin, but it’s not a rule.
— Who cooks?
— Me, more often, says Ileana. But Marin too, when he has time. He makes an excellent soup!

Friendship, Not Just Love
— What keeps you together?
— Friendship. Love is important, but friendship is the foundation. We respect each other. We like to be together. We have things to say. We trust each other.
— Is it tiring to keep a marriage going?
— No, if it is built on respect, freedom, and humor. We also tease each other. Laughter is a formidable bond.
— Have you had any moments of crisis?
— Maybe fatigue, stress, but never a rupture. Never the thought that we could no longer go on together.

Time for Us
— Do you have free time together?
— Yes. We try not to waste our time. We go on trips, visit friends, read. We like to walk, especially in the evening, even through the same neighborhood. It has become a ritual.
— Do you go to shows as well?
— As much as our schedule allows. We cultivate common tastes, but we don’t impose them. I read more fiction, Ileana reads more psychology. We complement each other.

No Recipe Is Universal
— Do you have advice for other young couples?
— Not to look for recipes. To build their own path, with patience, with sincerity. To respect each other. To be free in thought, but united in decision.
— What quality do you appreciate most in the other?
Ileana: “The calm. The peace that Marin inspires.”
Marin: “The work ethic and clarity with which Ileana judges things.”
— What does marriage mean to you?
— A form of balance between two different personalities. A space of freedom and mutual support. A solid construction that is built every day.

Conclusion
“There is no reason for it to be otherwise,” says Marin, calm and convincing.
And perhaps precisely in this simplicity and naturalness lies the strength of the example offered by the Iacob family. Without scholarly formulas, without dramas, without imposed models — just a life built with respect, care, and emotional intelligence.

—————————

1977, WOMAN

The Brides and Grooms of 1976
How do the young people who come today to the civil registry offices to get married think and what do they think about marriage?
One hundred brides and grooms from Galați, Târgoviște, Botoșani, and sector 3 of the Capital answered our questions:

What were the criteria that led you to choose your partner?
How long and under what circumstances have you known each other?
What do you think is most important in a marriage, so that it can withstand the erosion of time?
Are you satisfied with the model of your parents, of the family in which your personality was formed?
What is your opinion about the socio-professional role of the married woman?

They marry for love, but this feeling has misunderstood definitions
Love, which is said to be the emotional state in which two people mutually desire and accept their bond, is invoked almost unanimously as the foundation of the new life together.
“He loved me and I loved him. Because apart from this feeling, from this force, there is nothing else that can attract us irreversibly,” says Aurica M., 22 years old, student. “It was the first love and probably the last,” also declares Ion P., 26 years old, technician. “I wouldn’t admit that we were conquered by her beauty and his dreams,” says Dumitru Ioan, 25 years old, economist.
“Criteria? Honestly, many young people prefer to choose without criteria, based on a state of intense affection,” says psychologist Gheorghe Bratu.
“The famous sentimental education, respect for moral values, and emotional balance are decisive, despite a widely held opinion,” adds Dr. Geta Dan-Spinoiu. It seems that, instead of the parents’ model, young people choose their partner by comparing with friends and colleagues. “We met at school, in the army, at work, on vacation,” say most. The relationship often begins as a friendship, while at other times love seems like a revelation.

They have known each other for a long time or a short time. Does it matter?
The answers are very varied. Some have known each other for a few months, others since childhood. “We knew each other from the neighborhood, we were friends, then lovers,” declares a young woman from Botoșani.
“I met her by chance: at a wedding, on a trip, on a train, on the street (she had long blond hair and I couldn’t stop myself from stroking it),” says Spiridon, 20 years old, barber. “Can a generally valid conclusion be drawn? Of course it can! Not so much the place or time, but the feeling and the way it is cultivated, shaped, clarified,” say family counselors.

They believe or not in the eternity of love, but they value friendship, respect, and mutual help
The trials of marriage are, in the opinion of the majority of those interviewed, understanding, sincerity, patience, respect, the ability to recognize mistakes.

We get along well, and that’s all that matters,” declares Olimpia Dărânga, 26, clerk. “To make each other’s life beautiful,” says Cornel Tătaru, 23, engineer.
Marriage is seen as a construction based on collaboration and trust. Most young people say that love is only the beginning. “Then comes everything that daily life means,” they say. Some believe that a marriage has a better chance if it begins with friendship, with dialogue, with empathy.

What they saw at home they will also do themselves. New experiences are built on the foundation of old ones

The parents’ model is not ignored. Many say: “As we saw in our own home, so we will proceed as well.” Even if there are reservations about some “outdated” customs, emotional balance and responsibility are qualities that are transferred through the example of the family.
Girls are, in general, more demanding: “Not to repeat my mother’s mistakes,” “To understand me, not to command me.” Boys tend to reply: “To be like my mother, but also different.” Thus, the parents’ experience remains a reference point, but it is nuanced and adapted.

About the socio-professional role of the woman
All young people interviewed consider the woman’s involvement in professional activity to be natural. “We must work together, to have a common purpose,” say most. Only a minority think that a woman should remain exclusively in the domestic sphere.
“The wife must work,” states categorically Mihai A., 26. “To contribute together to everything.” The situations vary, but the prevailing opinion is that the modern family is a team, and this is not just an ideal, but an accepted practice.

_____________________

1977, WOMAN
Are you an ideal wife? Are you an ideal husband?
A family game for Saturday evening
One moment, please, try for a moment to stop and think about the questions above. What do you think, are you ideal, are you the ideal one? I’m afraid these questions might surprise you, perhaps amuse you, but they may also hurt because of the “enormity” of their demands: can any of us, hand on heart, claim to be an ideal being?
Our test surely cannot aim to give grades for perfection nor to fail anyone for imperfection. Without being a joke, without turning into a simple family game, it cannot claim the pretensions of a scientific investigation nor a broad field of research. Still, do we not yearn, do we not want the one beside us to be as close to ideal as possible, do we not want ourselves to be as close to perfection as possible?
We therefore propose to you as well a test — just as we offered it in advance, for the preparation of these pages, to several dozen unknown friends and interlocutors of ours from I.I.R.U.C., the Adesgo Factory, the Al. Sahia Polyclinic, the “Casa Scînteii” Printing Plant. They answered us in writing; you have the freedom to answer only to yourself, with all the sincerity that this company obliges you to. In any case, reflection on these great small problems of our everyday life harms no one, I assure you.

So then, are you an ideal wife?
Do you consider yourself an ideal wife? Why?
What do you think is the essential quality of a wife?
Do you manage the household chores alone? Do you ask your husband for domestic help?
Do you make time for cultural programs?
Do you take care of your appearance?
Does it bother you if your husband has hobbies (sports, chess, etc.) that keep him, in his free time, away from the family?
Do you have the habit of explanations, of reproaches? Do you make them in front of others or the children?
Are you jealous?
Do you consider that taking care of the children falls mainly to you?
Do you make up quickly after a quarrel?
What do you consider to be your husband’s main flaw?
But your own most annoying flaw?
Do you know how to keep your temper, to control your nerves?

Are you an ideal husband?
Do you consider yourself an ideal husband? Why?
What do you think is the essential quality of a husband?
Do you consider it “demeaning” to take part in household chores?
How much of your free time do you spend with your wife?
Do you regularly take care of the children? (lessons, walks)
Do you know your wife’s work problems?
Were you pleased with her promotion (if applicable)?
Who do you consider the head of the family?
Do you hold grudges long (after a quarrel in the family)?
Do you consider that “a man out drinking with friends” is a condition for a man’s fun and goodwill?
Are you jealous?
Do you accept your wife going out alone (alone to friends, to a movie, if you don’t have time to accompany her)?
How much time do you think the husband and wife should devote to household chores?
In a possible dispute with your partner, how do you think you should act?
Would you offer your wife a small car?
In principle, of course, would it please you to have a well-groomed wife?

Well then, yes, dear friend,
We have — no matter what is said — confidence in ourselves. We walk with our heads held high. We look our neighbors on Earth straight in the eye, without blinking: we are great. We are flawless. We are ideal.
At least that is what emerges from the impressive majority of answers to this little trick question. I was wondering whether our beautiful emancipation might not risk leading to the loss of a beautiful human virtue: modesty.
Still, in a way, I was reassured by the answers to the following question, in which we wanted to find out what our women today (autumn 1976) consider to be the essential feminine virtues. I was reassured — but perhaps also saddened. I found out that the “ideal” woman is indulgent, tolerant.
The matter became clear when our friends more directly confessed a “policy” of diplomacy: the woman must be clever, have much tact — and indeed many tactics. To know when to be silent and when to raise her voice. To persuade her husband with honeyed (or bitter) words, with scholarly speeches, not with a fist pounded on the table. To control her nerves.
Yes, yes, yes… It’s clear: we know our duties. We have them now, on this step of our affirmation. Although the voice of “rebellion” breaks strongly through the crust of “tact and tactics,” we demand equality in family decisions, relationships based on real friendship, not subordination, and deep and mutual understanding.
But the clearest result of this “test” is the will to exist and to assert ourselves as social and professional beings — the conviction that a modern and balanced family necessarily requires the wife to also have a profession.
“Without a profession and without my own income, I would not keep my self-respect.”
“I could not live only at home, no matter how many chores I might have.”
“I would lose confidence in myself if I didn’t work.”
As for the husband, we respect him — especially when he brings all the money home and we have no arguments… Moreover, these two great categories of human virtues seem to gentlemen to be the most valuable: diligence, correctness, sincerity, and the absence of lies between spouses. And from the woman, emotional morality is expected — tenderness, modesty, gentleness.
More and more interlocutors believe that in a modern family everything must be shared by two. When asked “Who is the head of the family?” only a few husbands had the pride to say: “me!” The majority answered: “both, husband and wife.” A reality that can no longer be ignored.
Many men want wives who are well-groomed, elegant, who take care of the house and themselves. No one wants a careless, nervous, nagging woman. But neither one who, blinded by the ideal of the “perfect woman,” forgets simple humanity: a kind word, a smile, a tender gesture.
On the other hand, the women — those who consider themselves “ideal” — confess that:
“I am too demanding.”
“I am too sincere.”
“I am nagging.”
“I am too nervous.”

Still, they acknowledge them, and precisely the acknowledgment of these traits — although they are not exactly virtues — becomes proof of lucidity. And lucidity… is convincingly conjugated in the masculine as well.
“I am kind and compassionate.”
“I am fair.”
“I help with household chores.”
It is to be hoped that, in time, balance will be maintained. No one is ideal. But each can strive toward that ideal — not because they “must,” but because they love.
S. Dima

__________________________

1983, WOMAN

Short “Treatise” on Marital Happiness
“Success in marriage depends less on finding the ideal partner, than on being yourself an ideal partner”

The sulky nagging…
There, we’ve said YES. We reinforced our yes by secretly writing it down, binding it to the criterion of union on the first day of extending our new civil “post” — its code name is already outdated: marriage.
We were wrapped in candy-coated emotion on the day of… “m”, we posed, smiling, in front of the camera to preserve that day. From today on begins what is called “life together.”
We start being responsible for each other.
And from the very first crawl, which is called habit, comes, doesn’t it?, the first “trouble.”
Until yesterday, we discovered in turn all his or her “charms” and they gathered into a fresh exhibition tableau of a rare and mysterious sensation. Making us special beings, bearers of late dew on the whiteness of morning. Tomorrow? Tomorrow it rains — that is, clouds begin to blur the clear image. Seen from “behind,” that is, beyond the threshold of the first darkness. From today, he seems to wear the same sweater more and more often. And, alas!, what carelessness that he doesn’t wash it. And under your magnifying glass, he becomes more and more careless. She has slightly bitten nails. Light blue doesn’t suit her. And you, who once saw her wrapped in a dream…
And we start bringing out little flaws.
And then, what do we do? Do we nag him? Do we sulk? What do we get out of it? Some remarks made “to the object” (that is, critical) or the habit of keeping silent when others are present?
Do we respond, at the first critical remark, with others? Do we list ten thousand shortcomings of the other, in detail and with proof?
The favorite suit — “that one too”? The mirrors — “not a day without them”! The thought of dispelling these “reasons” for nagging would mean seeing what is truly bad and what is merely our need to “invade” the other’s space.
And then, you ask again: am I really such an angel? Am I really the ideal husband or wife?
And then, answer yourself in good faith, not as in a test. Put before the mirror the whole truth of your behavior. Answer yourself: have you ever seen in his/her eyes a trace of disappointment? Have you ever understood when something was reproached to you? Or have you perhaps forgotten — with a superior air — that she/he existed before marriage and that you are not the center of the universe?
Have you made any step to change something in yourself?

We cannot all be Pygmalion
You know him: the Greek sculptor who shaped from the hard flesh of stone, to his taste and talent, the very perfection of femininity. Falling in love with his own creation and by breathing life into the marble, he lost this love.
Similarly, Shaw’s Pygmalion, who “shaped” a true princess from a flower seller, found himself, in the end, with a stubborn wife, easily and outright sentimental.
Why, then, the old dream of shaping the ideal, of re-creating the partner to our liking? And here too, our dream. Though, let’s think: no human being is perfect. At the same time (hence the meaning) two people cannot be identical and it is desirable that they are not. Whoever strives with all their might to change the one beside them until they become you, is not an idealist, but a totalitarian.
This folly still haunts us. Even most of us (we start with a different tone — if it’s She) and with a softened tone or explicit requests (if it’s He), end up in scenes with tears and raised voices (if it’s She) and perhaps even complete ignoring, condescension (if it’s He. Or maybe She too). The result? Almost nothing.
Perhaps, at first, she calms down a bit, he quiets down a little, the sky of marriage remains for a while cloudless, but after this total “restart” the lesson to be learned is to be careful: if we want harmony, we should not try to make our partner into something other than what they are. When we “do not fully control” someone’s heart — a writer once said: “If you want to know what you must respect in a person, observe what they cannot bear to let die.” They murmur. They feel unhappy and you wonder what is wrong, as long as you haven’t bothered them.
It’s clear: they no longer love you. How often, when manners, qualities, words, the scent of perfume, habits, are no longer “identity,” when one of those others, when we choose them, later we recognize that we remain before each other: the same one we once loved to the point of oblivion.
And what happens when we no longer like our partner? We will leave them — acceptable. We will put up with them — bearable. All these are possible when there are two, no, three things: love, mutual respect, and complete trust.

“How wonderful you are! How wonderful you are!”
So, from today — or from yesterday, or even from the day before yesterday — we have begun to look at each other through the magnifying glass. We say we love each other and only then do we sit quietly and see through this soul microscope the carved hair of the nose, the wolf-like teeth from Thursday’s dental visit, the alley of fine spots in discovering that a woman without eyebrows is suspicious!
And because we like each other so much that we look at each other closely, we really see the first wrinkle that dared to betray our soul’s recording.
Tell me honestly, hasn’t it happened to you not to notice for a whole year a new dress, a haircut, a beautiful word said with humor, a phrase, a warm remark, but instead to have asked him — or her — dozens of times: “Didn’t you notice the new dress? Where have you been?”, “Who did you talk to?”, “Why didn’t you stop by your mother’s?”…
Have you ever said: “What joy he/she gave me today when they brought me a yellow, fragrant apple in a napkin?”… “How beautifully they told me something today!”…
Have you ever said again that you are in love with the person beside you, that you saw them as beautiful today, that they reminded you of something from a beloved vacation?
And if you haven’t said it again, why don’t you say it?

Have you declared — somehow — when you said: “I don’t love you”? When you no longer smiled at them? When you no longer said “I love you,” and sent them the telegram of a crude silence?
When you distanced yourself, didn’t you do it out of habit, out of boredom?
Then why didn’t you say to yourself: “No, I have to tell them what I feel.”?
We must learn again to love and especially to say it.
We have a long life to live together — how much more beautiful it is to ensure that each day is good and not in vain.
We know those classic answers: “I’m your husband,” “You’re my wife,” “What more words do you need?”…
Well, you do need them.
How beautiful it would be if we lived an entire day in smiles and small gestures — our children would smile too.
Who still has their head for declarations of love today, when the honeymoon is over and there are so many worries…
So be it. It’s true that spouses who have loved each other for a long time tend to lose the habit of being courting and attentive to each other. And it’s normal, they have other concerns and so many others — for themselves, and especially for others.
False.
Nothing is as false as this abandonment of courtesy in the intimacy of the family, nothing destroys more than the exchange of raised tones, repeated criticism, or an admiring reproach built into a hypocritical reply.
To say “How beautiful you are today!” is an appreciation. To say “How well you did that!” is encouragement. To say “Your smile looks good on you!” is an invitation to sincerity.
It doesn’t matter how much time has passed since the honeymoon, what matters is not to forget to smile, not to forget to be honest and kind to each other.
Life does not forgive us if we neglect it.
We must always refresh it, give it flowers, give it light. And smiles.
It is so little to say: “How wonderful you are!”…
But it is the cornerstone of love, of friendship, of mutual appreciation and respect.
By Sanda Faur

_____________

1984, MUNCA
The Family, in the Great Family of the Country
From the charter of our fundamental rights

…The State protects marriage and the family and defends the interests of the mother and child.”
(From Article 23 of the Constitution of the Socialist Republic of Romania)

Spoken solemnly by the civil status officer and listened to with emotion by the newlyweds, the phrases invoking legal texts, rights, and duties have the gift of placing the crucial moment of marriage under the sign of remembrance, but also of certainty.
When we met them, at the Marriage Hall of Sector 6, the young workers from “Turbomecanica,” Păuna and Vasile Geamănu, were living the present intensely, and their plans had something of the solidity of the models with which they set out in life. For both, from villages in Dâmbovița County, had grown up alongside many siblings, who now, at their wedding, mingled their good wishes with those of friends, colleagues, and fellow workers.

We then linger with the Susănescu spouses, in front of the photograph taken 20 years ago, which shows them younger, shy, in front of the Endless Column. A background which, it seems, happily marked their lives. For their descendants — children and grandchildren — carry on their passage through time. Irina and Cezar Susănescu, he a driver at Autobaza 6 Bucharest, she a knitter at the “Tricotextil” cooperative, have 4 children. Ana-Maria, the eldest daughter, already has her own home. Irina Susănescu remembers that it was not easy: “But the state protects the family, the children. They went to nursery, kindergarten, at school they had what they needed; until you see them settled, you go through many things. And parents remain parents all their lives. But how many joys you live with each of their joys…”

Niculina and Mircea Preda, parents of three girls and three boys, live on the modern Calea Moșilor thoroughfare, corner with Mihai Eminescu, in block 32 (in the heart of the Capital), in a 4-room apartment granted by I.M.G.B., where they both work. Between Florica, an 8th-grade student, and Cristian, aged 3, we meet Mihaela, Cătălin, Ionel, and Ionela — the other members of the Preda family.

The comfort and atmosphere of the apartment show the (material and cultural) possibilities of a worker’s family to ensure a life with everything beautiful, comfortable, and civilized. All these are exact measures detailing the system of protection and support of the family in our society.

The cell of society

15 million people of Romania today live in new homes.
One of the most convincing arguments of our people’s vitality, of our endurance in history, is the strength of the family nucleus, established by tradition — a nucleus to which children have given not only stability and nobility, but the very reason for its existence.

We confirm this general truth at the level of a micro-community: the Auto Parts Enterprise of Sibiu. A large working-class family bringing together several hundred families. Immediately noticeable at the entrance is the suggestive panel entitled “Families We Are Proud Of.” “It was the initiative of the union,” says president Nicolae Comșa, “to make known a few life models. Now, we have proposed to the young people the example of the Dinuț, Kolosvari, and Bleoacă families, who have established solid marriages that have confirmed their reason for existence through as many children as possible.”

At present, pediatric care is widely available to all age groups. The dialectic of the idea that the adult’s health is guaranteed by correct, competent care at all stages of childhood makes the concept of “healthy child medicine” increasingly accredited.

We have data at hand that concretize the coordinates of the policy of protecting families with children:
The total capacity of nurseries and kindergartens in our country has reached almost one million places. For their proper functioning, the state allocated in 1983 – 1.4 billion lei and in 1984 – 1.5 billion lei.
97% of children are born in maternity hospitals and birth houses (compared to 2.2% in 1938).
In 1983, 13.7 billion lei were paid in allowances for 4,686,000 children, and in 1984 their value is about 14.5 billion lei.
In 1983, the socio-cultural expenditures from the state budget per capita amounted to 3,654 lei.

The state thus takes over some of the worries and efforts of the family, and through the generous complex of social, health, and legislative measures, encourages the stable family, the family with more children.

Children mean the purpose of our existence, they mean the future.
Clara Dumitrescu

___________

1986, SCÎNTEIA

The role and number of children
The house with many children – the sign of the good citizen’s responsibility for the nation’s future

There are truths universally known and recognized, but whose repetition is never useless, the risk of their being ignored being too significant and inadmissible. Such is the simple and fundamental truth that man — both in relation to nature and to the society in which he lives — has the mission and duty, equally motivated, imposed by reason and morality, by health and conscience, to ensure offspring. Children are the sublime form of life’s fulfillment, the source of endurance, its road to infinity.

To the countless examples illustrating that the purest and most natural happiness accompanies the house with many children is added a category of instances perhaps more particular, but not without importance. It is the value of children as a bond of families, as a true inner force of the home’s durability, as an incomparable factor of cohesion in marriages.

About this aspect, in the following lines.
We chose as interlocutors for the discussion of this topic a few magistrates from the Bucharest Municipal Court: Marin Popa – vice-president of the court, Radu Lese – section president, and Radu Giroveanu – judge. Why jurists? Because, without anticipating the conclusion of the inquiry, it seemed natural to us to analyze the forces and subtle mechanisms of marital durability, using as much as possible the limit experiences in which this durability is, for one reason or another, put to the test.

— I propose, comrade Marin Popa, that we start the discussion from Juvenal’s maxim: “We owe the child the greatest respect.” Let’s talk openly: didn’t the ancient thinker exaggerate? How can it be that the greatest respect is owed precisely to children?
— I am convinced that the maxim does not propose reversing the current sense of respect, but is formulated in this way to highlight the incomparable role that children have in fulfilling someone’s personality. It is a synthetic expression of the fact that the existence of children illuminates the existence of parents, the feelings it inspires enrich and balance life in a completely special way, raising it, together with other wings of fulfillment, to the heights of the purest satisfactions. It is certain that one and the same individual gains an extra touch of sublimity with the status of parent.

This extra is reflected in the whole behavior of the person. Starting with its closest framework, family life. It is a simple and obvious observation that the family becomes more solid, more united, more connected, happier through the birth of children. As a judge, you also encounter stormy lives, drifting cases, homes caught in storms. But also as a judge, you can conclude firmly: Families never separate because of the existence of children!

— But does the existence of children ever save families in which the initial feelings have gone astray?

— Practice shows that it does. And simple logic, moreover, tells us so — comrade Radu Giroveanu. The effects of children’s appearance in a marriage — greater cohesion of the home, a clearer and safer outline of love, the feeling of special responsibilities — weigh heavily, most often decisively, in situations where the “marital boat” hits storms. It is not rare to hear how the lamentations of a husband or wife about the mistakes of “the other” fade into the so reasonable conclusion: “Well, what can you do! I forgive everything because of the children!” Anyone realizes that, in the case of misunderstandings, those who suffer first and truly are exactly those who bear no blame — the children. It is impossible for this perspective not to alert the feelings and reason of the parents. And then, most often, they manage to overcome the frictions, to return to the good feelings to which they are bound.

— But what if that doesn’t happen?
— If that doesn’t happen, even in cases with a negative outcome, the ameliorating role of children is still confirmed. Parents who end up requesting the dissolution of marriage take this serious step much later and for much more serious reasons than spouses who are not parents. Not infrequently we find that the claimant husband has postponed for years and years the filing for divorce, to let the children grow, to bring them closer to the age of majority. This patience is favorable to changes of heart; asperities can wear away over time, reasons for the family’s breakup can disappear.

— Yes, from the magistrate’s position it is easily seen that childless spouses invoke more pretexts than irreconcilable reality. Whereas parent spouses, when they come to invoke grounds for divorce, do so with sadness, after long and fruitless attempts at reconciliation.

Sergiu Andon

_______________

1987, SCÎNTEIA TINERETULUI

The metaphor of happiness
Marina Almașan
He is dark-haired and she is brown-haired. He is 25 years old and she is also 25 years old. He has a little girl. And she has a little girl, her name is Gabriela. And if we tell you that it is the same little girl, you will immediately understand that we are dealing with a young family.

…From the ambiguous way in which these lines began, some might think they are about to hear the story of a family drama. But the heading of the column, plus what follows, prove that things are by no means like that. The spouses Teodora and Valentin Ivănescu get along just as well as at the beginning (a “beginning,” it is true, very recent) and nothing seems to endanger their marital happiness.

One year ago, they were both high school students. The movie with the same title had perhaps not even been imagined when the great love between the two began to take shape. He — a student at “Spiru Haret” High School. She — a student at “I.L. Caragiale”… On the evening they met, it was raining, the streets were empty, only at the “Youth Athenaeum” the youthful atmosphere defied the pessimistic season. The speakers had just unleashed some wild rock music, and she didn’t know how to dance rock; on top of that, she wore glasses and felt self-conscious about it. But he liked her (not the rock!). He then invited her to a tango, followed by a couple of blues songs, then — oh! — rock again, after which it got late and he walked her home, the two lingering under the eaves dripping with cold, just long enough to be sure that what was between them could be called a “beginning of love.”

…Six years later, they got married. In the meantime, they had finished their studies and struggled to be assigned to the same workplace — Automatica — he as an electrician in section IV, she as an electronics technician in section VI. They thought, they planned, they saved some money, and in 1986 their coworkers formed a floral arch for them on the steps of the People’s Council of Sector I. …Then came their shared biography, at the start of which they arranged installment payments for furniture (he — the living room set, she — the bedroom set). Her home, where her younger sister (10 years old) and a nonagenarian grandmother (Teodora has no parents) also lived, began to take on the air of a conjugal home. At the beginning of this year it was happily completed by the cooing of their first child — Gabriela, a delightful little girl, of whom even Daddy (who would have preferred a boy to start with!) is very proud, all the more so as everyone around delights him by saying that the little girl looks exactly like him.

Today we found the two at work: Teodora has just come out of maternity leave, and once again the morning commute to work is shared. In the evenings, it’s true, Valentin stays for overtime, just long enough for his wife to manage the household chores. In any case, the head of the family remains responsible for the vacuum cleaner, and in the mornings, while Teodora prepares the lunchbox for work (the two eat together), Valentin’s task is to grind Gabriela’s biscuits in the grinder, as she is, without a doubt, for now the most important member of the family.

Far be it from me to idealize the life of the Ivănescu family. Hardships visit them often enough, for besides the little one there are also the sister and grandmother, whose extreme ages also give the two their share of challenges. This year, however, they gathered their courage and signed up on the list for the Costinești summer camp.

…Life goes on, and one by one all difficulties will be overcome. At work, the heroes of our report are appreciated without reservation, so that professional activity harmoniously intertwines with community involvement: both hold the position of secretary of their respective U.T.C. (Union of Communist Youth) organizations, and Valentin is also the treasurer of the U.T.C. Committee for the enterprise.

Had I known the two beforehand? Not at all: my visit to the Automatica Enterprise had a completely different purpose, and Teodora and Valentin Ivănescu were introduced to me by the secretary of the U.T.C. Committee, Cristina Ivan, as two representative young people of their enterprise, whose experiences, successes, and future projects closely resemble those of their generation’s peers.

…And that’s how it all began…

________________

1988, SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY

The role of the family environment in educating descendants for couple and family life
Dr. Constantin O. Drugeanu

Although it is an issue we have not neglected in our series of articles published in the magazine, it is nevertheless worth addressing again, prompted by an impressive letter recently received from a young correspondent and by quite a few cases taken from our clinical activity, urging us to bring it back into discussion.

Indeed, the pronounced role of the education received in the family in shaping young people’s sexual behavior explains certain sexual deficiencies and couple crises in some young patients. The value of the parental couple’s contribution to the descendants is well known, both regarding their genetic, hereditary endowment, and in ensuring the conditions for upbringing and education (the family’s educational framework), the family representing the primary and predominant educational model permanently offered to the offspring, according to an intimate mechanism of interconditioning. Psychopedagogical research has highlighted the role of parental influence (meaning the parental couple) on the future of descendants.

Since we are only considering the aspect of young people’s choice, of couple and family life, we emphasize that in exploring cases of deficit or crisis in this regard, with dramatic intensity and difficult to remedy therapeutically, major causes often emerge, frequently originating in the education received in the family.

In the process of educating descendants, rigid and ignorant parental tutelage, lack of affection, unskilled guidance, and even more so an unethical parental model are extremely harmful in shaping young people for family life.

In contrast to these, it is necessary for parents to know the main reference points needed to correctly interpret the characteristics of the child’s developmental stages, implicitly what is individually characteristic of each case, against the background of real affection (which should not be exaggerated to generate spoiling and inappropriate filial conduct), proper guidance of the child, and a positive parental psycho-behavioral model permanently offered to the descendants.

Parents must be informed from a pedagogical-sexual standpoint; the gradual information and adequate assistance of pubescents in the process of sexual education (with the support and in correlation with authorized medical and teaching staff) should aim at positively shaping the aspirations and tendencies of young people, the paths to follow toward a harmonious and efficient family life. Thus, under the attentive and competent guidance of parents, it is possible to prevent or at least partially resolve psycho-affective difficulties or disorders, early and persistent self-masturbatory practices, premature libido or delays, even absence of libido, premature and harmful sexual life (in girls), repeated sexual failures and persistent sexual insufficiency in boys, affective-erotic dissociations, premature ejaculation, anorgasmia and primary frigidity, premarital pregnancies in adolescence, venereal risk, etc.

Not infrequently, under negative parental influence, implicitly from the inadequate behavioral model of parents, some negative psychic traits appear in descendants, with a major risk on personality type, namely: inadaptability, rigid introversion, impulsiveness against a background of accumulated tension, ease in relations with the opposite sex, anxiety and a tendency toward reactive decompensation in depression, lack of affection, and others.

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1990, TINERETUL LIBER

Human Love: Do We Love Real Beings or Beings Created by Us?
psychologist Alexandru Gheorgheșcu

The human being needs love. Love is a universal symptom. It surrounds us with anxieties and meanings. Burnings of unfulfilled desire, of hopes in the arms of the beloved being. Rarely do we remain unrewarded, yet we do not notice this. We feel the torment of uncertainty, of absence, lamenting that we cannot find happiness — it is not what we imagined. And sometimes, one more gesture, one more crowd, in a smile, in an awaited promise or optimism.

As a component part of human sexuality, love, with its complex phenomenology, represents one of the most fascinating and discussed problems throughout history, from Plato until today. Guston, for example, considers that “to love and to be loved represents a sacred kind of thing.” O. Lemasson and his team state categorically: “Love is nevertheless something other than sex or similarities.” It is YES or NO. For I. Bîhler, love is essential as a “spiritual cohabitation,” while V. Pavlovici concludes “there is no love, there are only people who love.” What is certain is that, according to most contemporary psychologists and sexologists, love, in its sincere expression, becomes the vector of a special affective intensity, with an essential role in establishing and maintaining the emotional and even behavioral balance of a human being, regardless of age. On this affective specificity has been built one of the main shaping factors of human behavior and a decisive coordinator in the unfolding of a person’s inner life. The being who loves is balanced, capable of understanding, of introspection, with the motivation to accept oneself and others as a chance for their affective and moral fulfillment. Love ennobles, gives meaning, struggle, living, joy — a state of grace.

Many young people, adolescents or even adults, having gained some life experience, come to the conclusion “I do not know what it means to love and to be loved.” Their emotional state is one of waiting and, at the same time, of isolation, loneliness, ignorance. Those who feel loved also feel unhappy. From this ignorance comes the joy of living. Love is an affective and emotional concept that expresses very varied and contradictory soul states. The fact that love does not always find its object in a real being is explainable.

Poorly advised or lacking good reference points, to declare love is equivalent to “being loved not by real beings, but by beings created by us.” This is the tendency to identify with the object of love an idealized image. And thus, in this imaginary process, the person inevitably ends up suffering. Why? Because one day they will wake up in front of a reality that does not match their desires and aspirations. This affective crisis is not rare. It occurs in the case of some young people who, unable to give up the object of their desire, withdraw into themselves, self-harm, lose confidence in themselves and in others. They end up in this situation because they cannot participate in an authentic love experience, and they suffer. This love is therefore not one of reality, but one imagined.

Adolescent Love
What else is adolescence if not the dream of falling in love, whose first symptoms are so imaginative? It is the springtime age between being ready for an open and unconditional passion. Now you discover the fascination of handshakes, smiles, the burning from a meeting, capable of disturbing, of moving, of awakening, of uplifting. It is an age that still crosses the threshold of 17 and slips almost to 20. It is an age that brings surprises of both kinds. Some of these cause joy, others disappointment.

It stands as an age of dreams, but also of unspoken hope. It is said that young people are often unhappy mainly due to lack of hope. They feel alone because they do not find that “other” who will value them and confirm the beautiful dream hanging in a corner of the soul.

Indeed, great and bird-like prudence is needed. We must not rush to judge by appearances. Feelings cannot be analyzed in a table or a chart.

Emotions cannot be compressed into the vocabulary of a definition. They remain silent, waiting for an encouraging glance, a warm word. Sometimes, joy appears in an hour. Sometimes, in years.
In a world where the ideal is measured in money, social success, and status, it is hard to speak about love. But precisely for this reason, it must not be forgotten.

Pain – A Prelude to Pleasure?

Desire and erotic pleasure are indissolubly linked to sexual love, but they do not reduce it to this. The magic of losing oneself in ecstasy gives value even to physical pleasure. These, although belonging to the biological plane, are charged with emotional meanings and sometimes even of a spiritual order. Moreover, the context and erotic setting do not remain the same; in the relationship between partners, sexuality has the role of reactivating an emotional level and, at times, even a sublime one.

Interesting data is found in E. Havelock, who claims that pain is agreeable only insofar as it constitutes a prelude to pleasure and serves as an indication of flirting or even of the erotic act.

As far as we are concerned, we maintain that psychic pain often accompanies the process of falling in love, and it can be a form of test for the depth of the feeling. Not rarely, an unrequited love becomes the catalyst for emotional maturity.

Voluptuousness and erotic pleasure thus become not ends in themselves, but means of deep emotional closeness.

In this sense, love is not the expression of a mere impulse, but the need to love and to be loved, the need to build a relationship with meaning and depth. And in an era of superficiality, misinformation, and alienation, perhaps precisely this type of love will save what is most authentic in us.

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1993, TINERETUL LIBER

Between Love and Affection

It often happens that some people are very united on a physical level, yet at the same time maintain “a certain distance on an emotional level.” And yet, true intimacy surely lies in the belonging and unity of feelings, which constitute the most precious gift people can give each other. Sexuality has meaning only if it expresses, perhaps in a truly unique way, the depth of love.

We all need affection; we affirm it whenever we give it or are unable to offer it. It is no wonder that people sometimes end up asking themselves: “Where is that kind of ‘first’ in married life, which we knew, and what has happened, to some extent, to us, in a way that is incomprehensible to me?”

Some partners in a couple wrongly come to believe that love and intimacy mean only a physical unification, and thus they imagine that, by virtue of a strictly physical closeness, they automatically become more intimate. Those who have lived such an experience can say with certainty that it is not true. To be intimate does not mean to merge physically with someone else, but to be together with them in a way that allows closeness to take on all forms of emotional expression, without diminishing autonomy but, on the contrary, strengthening it.

Some of those who live as a couple believe that their relationship is on the right track if they have no conflicts, if they get along well “in bed,” if they share tasks fairly, if they have the same education and values. All of these matter, of course, but they cannot replace sincere, assumed emotional communication.

In general, we can speak about intimacy when we are able to offer and receive, at the same time, the love, acceptance, and emotional support of the other. And this requires, first of all, the willingness to show our feelings, to reveal our inner experiences. Let us not forget that for many people, “to be loved” actually means “to be accepted,” “to be listened to,” “to be valued” — and not just “to be desired.”

Intimacy is an active and sustained process, and the success of an intimate relationship is closely tied to the ability to express affection in a sincere and empathetic way. It is about trust, mutual respect, and the assumption of vulnerability. And this process cannot be reduced only to a sexual component.

There are many couples who, although they have an active sex life, do not manage to reach real intimacy. Why? Because intimacy cannot manifest in the absence of trust and authentic communication. To be truly intimate means, ultimately, to allow the other to see you as you are, with your fears and hopes, with your weaknesses and aspirations — without masks, without pretenses.

Authentic intimacy is built over time, through much effort; there are plenty of ways to reach a true opening of the soul toward that person we feel close to.

Has it ever happened that, in a moment of sincerity, you noticed your partner no longer responds to your desires and feelings with the same involvement? That they seem to lose interest, that “they no longer see you”? Then you have probably experienced the feeling of being alone in a relationship. And this loneliness in two is one of the most painful.

Talk. Unexpressed feelings risk remaining unknown. Conversation, in itself, brings closeness. After a sincere discussion, the other is no longer just your life partner but also a companion in destiny.

Sexual relations are the most superficial expression of emotional intimacy. Intimacy, ultimately, demands participation and sincerity. How good it is to feel that the person next to you understands your desires, fears, and dreams. How good it is to have someone to whom you can tell everything, without fear of being judged.

Change is possible. We can learn to express our feelings, to be more open and attentive to those around us. Intimacy is a choice — not an accident. And the choice to be truly intimate with someone is one of the most profound and rewarding for your entire being.

(unknown author)

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1995, MODERN WOMAN

Recipe for… Charming Men!!!

When the dream of pure love shatters, what remains for the one hungry for love? Searching, witchcraft, magic, experiences, deceptions. There is no other way. The bond between two people is a distinctive bond of the being “human” (man and woman). And today, love has diminished or degraded, becoming, for the most part, sexual consumption. The result? Human bodies react, taking revenge, confronting the limits of physical attraction. After a period of intimacy, the body no longer produces exciting hormones; rather, hormones of inhibition, calm, and defense appear. Emotional confusions begin, suspicions, resentments between partners… “You don’t love me anymore, you have someone else, you’re betraying me…”

Dr. Elena Frank, from the University of Pittsburgh, found that 38 percent of husbands and 16 percent of wives no longer have sexual desire for their partner. The way out? Escapades, the sexy and porn industry, striving to mechanically revive what nature created alive, complex, mysterious. After investigations, scientists have concluded that the unity between pleasure and love, prescribed for centuries by the church and Christian morality, has broken down; a new model of intimacy is being sought, proliferating a multitude of experiments in modern society. The poetry of unique love is withering, and the avalanche of experiences and names, with long lists of sexual partners, takes its place.

But what is charming in the “game of love” today is a rebirth and regeneration of feelings. Love, affection, the unaltered gold of the soul and vital energy generate a new radiance and another inner wealth. What was once desecrated, at one time, through sexual exclusivity, regenerates as a sacred blossoming of the being, descending after the darkness in the roots.

Therefore, the “witch-like” work on the soul, the need for love and searching, and “its magical calls”: Ancient and timeworn practices are being researched, like archaeological relics. Among these, here is one seemingly simple and not ridiculous, for today’s emancipated women: to charm a man, drink, at sunrise, a tea made of linden, lavender, and basil. While pouring it into the cup, face south, take a teaspoon of honey and stir into the tea counterclockwise. Thus, the desired man will not be able to escape the magical forms emanating from your being. Linden flowers and honey favor love.

Constantina Caranfil

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1996, MODERN WOMAN

“Family means love, respect, solidarity”

Rep. – Mr. Emil Constantinescu, we want to thank you for the kindness with which you agreed to answer our questions.

Emil Constantinescu: – Whatever I have to do today or in a certain period of time, I cannot be too busy when it comes to engaging in dialogue with that half of the world, of society, and of the family that is woman, for the family is the foundation of a society, and dialogue with woman, a page of the human being.

– You have repeatedly stated that “the future of Romanian society will largely depend on how we manage to create an alliance between the center-right, the base of the country, the rural vote.” In what way do you believe women’s potential in Romania can be valued in the immediate future, and where is the family placed among the priorities of Romanian society?

– Of course! I believe that the Romanian family is the only institution that has preserved, in an exemplary way, the fundamental values of democratic politics.

– For forty years, communism destroyed the Romanian family as well, the basic cell of society. Therefore, it is not a value in itself, but a value that was no longer considered whole much further on. Unfortunately, even for today’s ruling power, which is not a team organized in the sense of a political strategy and sacrifice, to accept hardships, to speak on television with meaning, to believe that being a politician means serving others and not yourself, it is not efficient, nor balanced, nor democratic. It is that place where an ordinary person, subject to the rules of a society, fits into a bouquet of responsibilities, an environment in which children are born, where children are formed. The communists tried to close public communion with the family. Just think of what the decision of the pronatalist policy meant: it condemned women to years of suffering, children dead from absurd causes.

– Although they condemned communism, some claim that in Romania there is no need for a change of system, but rather for the enforcement of existing laws, already provided for or in the process of being drafted.
– That is a very general statement. The contract with Romania – historical, political, and social – is a profound contract. It is a rebirth from the foundations. It cannot be only about a legislative rethink, but about a profound change. Not only of the economy, but of mentality, of models, of patterns. It is about a democratization of the entire system. Without a just judgment of the past, without supporting authentic values, without recognizing the importance of the family and the involvement of women in social life, Romania’s future is only an illusion.
– How do you see the reconfiguration of the Romanian family in the context of the current social and economic crisis? What is the mission and what should the Romanian family once again become?

– I have no doubt about it. I owe my parents more than I could express in words. So whenever I could, I sought an escape to the countryside, to my parental home.

As for my wife and children, I could not imagine another society, another future without a family communion of respect, love, and spiritual solidarity.
– Mr. Constantinescu, how do you explain the weak representation of women in politics?
– The absence of women – not only in politics, but also in the leadership structures of various institutions – is an unfortunate reality with multiple explanations. One explanation may be the reaction to the forced promotion of women during the communist years, especially since this promotion was often done at the expense of the moral disaster of selecting worthless cadres. Our women are re-educating themselves. They are rediscovering their vocation, based on criteria other than those of power. There is also, in our public life, a certain misogyny, a lack of understanding that a society cannot progress without the participation of men in balance with women. A profound change is needed – educational, institutional, social.
– It is no coincidence that many Romanians associate themselves with a feeling of insecurity in the family and the lack of a stable point of reference. What should we do to give couples back this stability?
– This is not a simple question. I will answer directly: it is about a new attitude toward women. In a society in which women are appreciated only for their capacity to work or their sacrifice in housekeeping, in the kitchen, in washing, in caring for children…
– How can a family support policy be implemented in which women gain respect and balance, but where civic education is not missing from the desire of spouses – bound by love – to live a common future in peace and quiet?
– The CDR is promoting this year, on all its parliamentary lists, 52 women, all with highly valuable professions, whose average age does not exceed 45. I also want to point out that the only women in the country who are president and vice-president of a county council are members of the CDR.

It is clear that our policies for the new economy of democracy are also focused on the normal development of a human relationship. Of Romanian society that will no longer push husbands and wives toward certain jobs, much to the benefit of women, but with an enormous sacrifice of the education and care given to those most exposed to abandonment: children.
– One last question, if I may: you have stated several times that you will establish an institution for the President’s wife. What is the mission of the President’s wife? Will she not be merely an honorary representative?
– No. My wife is a doctor. She is the only Doctor of Medical Sciences in the family. She continues her career. She is one of the best-known specialists in the field of cell histology, a fundamental research area for the future of mankind. There is no question of protocol. She will be involved in social and educational activities. There is no healthy society without solid education.

I would not ask others to take care of wives and children if I did not start with my own family. And after the elections, she will once again be the First Lady of Romania.

Gheorghe Cubotariu

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1996, MODERN WOMAN – BETWEEN US, WOMEN

The Woman at 50
Liana Buga

Celebrated or forgotten, the number 50 becomes a reality for everyone, and most of the time the woman perceives it painfully, regardless of her status. At this age threshold, life has another pulse, and time becomes a competitor. Married, divorced, widowed, or a grandmother, at 50 a woman is not 100% at peace with herself; she has anchors and continues, because those around her still need her, and so does the rest of the world, which perceives her according to certain prejudices. “At this age you are a woman of the past,” voices are heard… “Well, she’s at menopause, her cycles have stopped.” This obligatory sexual connotation always associated with women is like a label of life, of fashion, and of habit, encompassing parents and men of all ages in a confused blindness. They seem to think that a woman at this age lives off memories, as if her failure or success should only be a life lesson. As if she no longer had the right to love, to desire, to dream, to want something else. At 50, a woman remains “inconvenient,” especially if she is single and beautiful. She is viewed with suspicion and envy; it is considered that she has exhausted her luck.

This fear of the woman who is no longer “young” is, in fact, the reflection of a social prejudice. She is no longer in the role of mother, wife, “acceptable” lover, but neither in that of grandmother. She lives between generations, in real time and with real emotions, but always silent, withdrawn. She has been loved, she has loved, but now it is considered that everything has ended. It is a serious prejudice, from which we all lose.

I have met many women reaching 50, eager to reinvent themselves, to love again, to change their lives alongside a man. I have observed the change that a female personality undergoes as a result of these assumed decisions, as if Nature wanted to compensate for long years of drudgery, resignation, and selfless giving. Yet no one is there to see them, to support them, or to understand them. A trace of severity toward them, in the absence of attention and affection, turns them into shadows.

The environment rebels. Children are indignant, even if they do not say so. And women have no right to continue their vision of the world as themselves.

In a world of men, they have the ambition to be understood and respected, to think correctly, to love honestly, to take full responsibility, and to live their destiny to the fullest — but with greater reserve, without illusions. Tender and sensitive, most often, women return to this late right to happiness with that spirit of sacrifice that defines them.

Dialogues Without Prejudices
THE SECRET OF MARITAL HAPPINESS
MARIA ȘERBAN-PREDESCU, psychologist

— Our new colleague, Liliana, confessed to us that the secret to happiness in a couple is as simple as can be, yet delicate to restore. At first, she told us nothing else, curious to see what she was hiding behind the expression “I’ve never heard anything like that,” which she uttered smiling. But Liliana was perfectly right. For this reason, we chose to resume the discussion, offering her other points to reflect upon.

Those on the other side of the couple, usually, do not expect a woman to give a compliment. They need to be prompted.
— What do you mean, is it an obligation?
— No, but it is a necessity. It is a form of communication. A form of sincerity that you can sustain, believe in, and express naturally.

In love, mutual seduction is natural. In erotic life, compliments involve a certain nuance, in a subtle seductive arsenal. At the same time, the compliment can become an effective part of trust in the relationship, revealing the pleasure of giving the loved one a confirmation — not only sexual, but emotional (affective and psychological, but also erotic).
— And it shouldn’t be forced?
— As naturally and simply as possible. A compliment should be the expression of sincere admiration, and it should be expressed exactly. It is about reliving the moment they first met, when shyness, frequent sensations, and the imagination of the person were in full swing. All men enjoy hearing what you like and dislike about a woman’s intimacy; that is why, among other things, it is also a “psychological” act — a man eager to know more about the soul of the woman next to him.

Men, thanks to their instinct for possession, need to know and feel that the woman perceives them exactly as they are. Nothing is more disconcerting than if he feels something he wants to know is being hidden from him. That is why it is important to be heard.

A compliment is not just a form of seduction, but a form of sincerity in which each couple can rediscover the key to a tone, a “miraculous sound” that activates the area of shared eroticism, the ritual, often expressed through praise.

Once again, I emphasize: a compliment is made with sincerity, as a sign of love.

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1996, MODERN WOMAN

5 TIPS FOR BEING THE IDEAL WIFE…

Some time has passed since they got married. Perhaps the man is not exactly as she dreamed when they walked out, arm in arm, from the town hall. He seemed sporty, energetic, always self-confident, enterprising, daring, a man who succeeded in everything. In everyday life, he turned out to be an ordinary man. Sometimes his stomach hurts, he catches colds. His sporting activity is limited to watching matches on television; he gets annoyed when he looks for his cufflink. Still, he is a good man, honest, a loving father, hardworking. The wife must know how to highlight his qualities, to create for Him a serene and happy marital atmosphere. “Love is a delicate plant,” he would say from time to time, “which needs to be protected from all the dangers that threaten it.

The balance of harmony between two spouses must always be kept in equilibrium. Respect and the desire to know what the other understands by happiness are essential conditions. From the beginning of time, those who have made a man feel like a woman in a marriage have been partners who knew when it was important, in reality or through neglect, to tell him what they wanted, without evasions.

There are several different types of wives: the mother-wife, the child-wife, the friend-wife, the doll-wife… Ask any man what kind of wife he has and he will place her in a category, but in reality he would like his wife to have a little bit of each, to be unique and yet different, and he would like the man endowed with good taste, intelligence, and a sense of proportion to help her find the right way. How should a wife behave to meet this ideal?

LOVING LIKE A MOTHER
The man comes home tired, bored, in a bad mood and irritable: on top of everything else, he forgot to pay the utilities, tore a glove, didn’t manage to pick up his shoes from the repair shop, didn’t start the work he had to finish by the end of the week… Convince him that everything can wait. Let him settle into an armchair, detached from errands, in front of the TV. Find a pretext to go out, pay the bill, pick up the shoes from the cobbler. Then buy him a small gift that will please him: a pack of cigarettes, a pastry, a crossword puzzle. Small attentions keep love alive and are not just for special days.

SPOILED LIKE A CHILD
In the morning – especially on weekends – play the lazy one. Get him used to getting up first, making you coffee, and bringing it to you in bed. But don’t see this as an act of humiliation. Each time, give him the impression that he is giving you the most wonderful gift in the world and show him that you know how to appreciate his skill and thoughtfulness.

CHEERFUL AND AVAILABLE
Don’t stop surprising your husband, even if it’s just with a simple coffee in the park. If he’s quieter and absorbed in his thoughts, don’t try to force him to speak all the time; instead, you talk about what’s on your mind. Mention what you saw at the hair salon, what your friend told you, and in the evening surprise him so that he says: “Leave the dishes, I’ll wash them…”

UNIQUE AND YET DIFFERENT
Spoil him from time to time. Surprise him and change your hairstyle. He will look, be amazed, and say you’ve changed and that you are “I don’t know how” very pleasing. Don’t always serve him with the same dishes. This time, instead of the plain white breakfast plate, use one with flowers and add a wildflower to the table. The effect is guaranteed.

CHARMING, ALWAYS TENDER
Get your husband used to recognizing your presence by always using the same perfume. Choose one of quality. In this area, save only on quantity. But don’t forget that your perfume must please him most of all, so that he might remember to gift it to you every year, on your wedding anniversary or your birthday. Husbands must feel very close to each other. You love him, so make him always feel your warmth and tenderness. In the evening, when he’s watching TV, sit tenderly next to him, take his arm… My, how many stories there are for an ideal wife!…

Alina Ionescu

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1997, MODERN WOMAN

7 Mistakes That Kill Love

Many couples, in marital crisis, try to discover – though often much too late – what the causes of love’s disintegration are. Here are the seven capital mistakes that destroy marriages:

• Treating your partner like a “sex machine”
  Even after thirty years of marriage, intimate relations must be, for both, a “pleasure trip.”

• Persisting in deeply entrenched habits
  Going out together on Saturday night, always with the same old friends, going to the same restaurant or park, for example, kills the relationship between partners more than any other “madness.”

• Lack of courage to tell the other what you truly want
  Excessive shyness and inhibitions have as a direct effect a deep sense of dissatisfaction.

• The certainty of the relationship’s stability
  Too much certainty trivializes relationships and ultimately leads to boredom.

• Losing the ability to laugh together at a joke
  Even at 70, if you still feel a little bit like a child, it helps you keep your capacity for generosity and love.

• Rejecting the passage of time and the end of youth
  Fighting against the inevitable and, above all, denying the obviousness of the passing years makes us ridiculous and pathetic.

• Giving excessive importance to marital fidelity
  It is completely wrong to set an eventual sentimental outpouring on divergent paths. These may still lead… to the same “half.”

Let’s not forget: the last embrace before separation is perhaps the cruelest torment of the soul.

Corina Dobre

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1997, MODERN WOMAN

10 Tips for Having a Model Husband
We can briefly generalize the qualities of the “ideal husband,” reminding you that nevertheless “love is blind” and is the only GIFT given by God and NATURE.

The protective spirit, as mentioned, is the most important quality. The husband or future husband must have an innate sense of defending you and being by your side in any situation. You can test this by simulating an illness. Analyze his behavior and you will understand the conclusions yourself.
The husband must gather the qualities that you lack. Look for a calm, “whole” man who is less in a hurry.
If you consider yourself inferior to the one desired (husband), make an immediate conscious effort to indicate to him that you are EQUAL in qualities, NOT SUPERIOR. This can be achieved discreetly, over time, by showing him your successes “as if they were his merits.”
Choose a man who is capable of understanding and knowing you completely. When he says he understands you, simply say: “You still don’t know me!” Then adopt total indifference. ATTENTION! DO NOT ADOPT A DEFYING OR AGGRESSIVE EXPRESSION! Simply, “Do not pay as much attention to him as before and look at yourself artificially.”
If the partner or husband shows DOMINANCE AND PERSECUTION, you do not need to attack him. “LEAVE HIM ENGLISH-STYLE.” Otherwise, he could cause you unexpected problems. ATTENTION! If you leave him in reality, do not give the impression that you did it for this reason! Cases of jealousy-driven murder are encountered quite frequently.
Try to choose someone with physical similarities. German anthropology has shown that there is a correlation between similar physiognomies and the durability of the couple. The one next to you, partner or husband, subconsciously self-perceives his physique. Thus, loving himself, he will always love you too, THOUGH NOT AT THE SAME LEVEL!
Choose, rather, a husband who underestimates himself compared to his real value. TAKE CARE THAT HE DOESN’T WAKE UP IN THIS CASE! If you are married, activate his complexes at the wrong moments when he shows signs of “waking up.”
Do not choose a husband who is too attractive, charming, smiling, adored, or “dreamed of” by other women! These “qualities” can push him toward adultery!
The husband must not be only more intelligent or “higher placed” than you. You risk becoming rivals. If the husband is completely different, he will self-punish sexually. Learn to be “sexy.” Awaken his jealousy!
Be more receptive to qualities that demand modesty, submission, honesty than to physical appearance or “the talent to flatter.” Married, you will be more satisfied with the former qualities.

1. Radu

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1998, MODERN WOMAN

Marital Myths
Before marriage, you never really know what awaits you, but we all have our illusions. After we see the “hazard” beyond its fence, we compare it with what we imagined marriage to be. But do we still remember what we believed and dreamed? Not much, so it would be appropriate to review the marital “fantasies” both for those who have forgotten what they dreamed and for those who imagine all sorts of things, preparing the ground for later disappointments.

“My other half is only one, and if I find it, happiness will accompany me all my life.”

The myth of soulmates who meet and turn their life into a continuous fireworks display claims many victims. Each of us has multiple “halves” with whom we can unite, just as the “perfect” half at one point can, over time, prove to be unsuitable. It is not enough to find a “well-matched” partner. A marriage is a constant and mutual adjustment.
“We’ve known each other for a very long time, so surprises are out of the question.”
Who says people don’t change? Life proves the opposite! They don’t change if their surroundings remain constant, but marriage represents a continuous series of events that can catch us unprepared. Children appear, our hopes take on other dimensions. A poet says that “once we lived in a hut and dreamed of living in a castle”… In marriage, the element that must work well is the ability to adapt to change.
“We will always be together for life. Divorce is an unfortunate event that can happen to others. We are different…”
All divorced people believed that at one point. Who would still go say “I do” if they thought they would divorce? All couples go through more or less difficult times…
“Maybe there are some things I don’t like about him/her now, but after marriage I’ll do everything so that he/she changes.”
What a mistake! The main traits of a personality do not change. I’ve said, it’s true, that people change, but not according to our expectations. The aim of a marriage is knowing your partner, not changing them.
“He does everything I tell him. He’s at my feet and will be that way all his life.”
Boring and, above all, unfair. How can someone stay at your feet their whole life? Doesn’t he/she also have desires, demands, aspirations to fulfill? How can you delude yourself into thinking you can become the purpose of another person’s life? Your life partner has the right and the duty to a personal life. He/she will always be your equal and will participate ONLY in some aspects of your life.
“We love each other and that’s all. If there’s no love… so it will keep us together forever.”
You hold hands, stroll through parks, and have the impression you’ve known each other forever. He/she is everything you’ve ever wanted in life. You live the romantic stage of your love, and years later you will remember it with nostalgia, but you will not be able to relive it with the same intensity, no matter how hard you try. It will not always be like this! Love transforms precisely so that you can live your life separately as well. Your love, however strong it may seem now, will not be able to overcome all hardships, so pray that your feelings mature, that they grow. Only then will you be able to overcome together.
“We detest those who fight. We will never do it, because we love each other and have nothing to fight over.”
We cannot live without conflict! Marriage also needs arguments, which can lead to solving problems. Quarreling is an element of progress in a couple’s life, when it doesn’t degenerate into major conflict. Without moments when each partner expresses their dissatisfaction, tensions can build up. It is not for nothing that it is said that lovers’ quarrels are like spring showers: the sun comes out again, seemingly brighter.
“We understand each other perfectly in bed. What more could we want?”
Successful sexual relations are not the primary guarantee of a happy marriage. They can be the product of a great love, but if they are the only foundation, the structure won’t hold. There are countless happy couples in which sexual relations do not have an extraordinary contribution. A successful sexual relationship is, almost always, the result of a successful marriage.
“We can talk about anything. We communicate excellently, and this keeps us together.”
Communication is a strong element in a marriage’s success, but it does not guarantee happiness. How many couples have divorced despite excellent communication? They remained friends, divorced amicably, but… why did they do it? Maybe other aspects of marriage were not satisfactory.
The above is not meant to discourage you, but to be an encouragement to realism. A couple is not something static, condemned to perpetual happiness. The most certain proof is that even Adam and Eve preferred to live in a real world, with good and bad, dreaming of Paradise.

Violeta Baur

1999, AGENDA MAGAZIN

Lightning Strike: Sometimes It’s Love

It may be enough for two glances to meet and for passion to appear, to be mutual, strong, with feelings and physical sensations, experienced explosively by both. Whoever hasn’t experienced it yet will, sooner or later, feel it, because the lightning strike, according to a recent survey, is a very widespread personal experience at all ages. Often, unfortunately, it is short-lived, but if it lasts over time it can guarantee a romantic and intense love story.
Marriages born from a lightning strike can last a lifetime, perhaps also because of that so irrational beginning which keeps the couple’s relationship alive. How can Cupid’s arrow be recognized from a mere flash in the pan? According to couple therapy experts, there are five unmistakable signs.
The heart beats fast and the throat suddenly goes dry, just at the thought that you might meet him, even by chance.
In his presence, you don’t dare look him in the eyes, while you feel his gaze fixed on you.
If your hands happen to touch accidentally, you feel an electric current running through your whole body.
His scent remains imprinted pleasantly and excitingly in your memory.
Even if you are usually talkative, now you carefully avoid talking about him, at least in the first period, so as not to reveal the strong sensations you feel. It is a secret just between you and him, one you do not want to share with anyone.

1. M.

1999, AGENDA MAGAZIN

Ten Tips for Keeping the Flame of Passion Alive…

…For Him
–  At least once a week, tell her she is the ideal person for you.

• Hold her in your arms and tell her how much you value her as a human being, not just as a woman.

•  Talk at length about what you like about her.

• Notice the small things she does especially for you and tell her how much you appreciate them.

•  Send her a love letter by mail; for a woman, this will surely be pleasant, even if you have been married for 20 years.

•  Praise her in the presence of others; even if she seems embarrassed, she will be happy for others to hear she is the woman of your life.

•  Prove your love concretely – a gift, an invitation to a restaurant, or even just a walk cannot leave her indifferent.

•  If she asks you to do something for her, fulfill her wish without grumbling or objections.

• At least twice a week, tell her how good she looks.

• At least once a week, call her at work or at home just to say “I love you.”

…For Her
– Tell him how lucky you are to have him by your side.

• Remark that you like him as he is and wouldn’t want to change him for anything in the world.

•  Don’t criticize him or give him advice about something unless he asks for your help.

•  Straighten his hair or tie every time he leaves the house, so it’s clear you want him to look good, but also so you can touch him.

•  Show interest in any suggestion he makes, including sexual ones; it’s even more important for him to see that you listen and think about what he says than to actually do it if you don’t agree.

•  Tell him openly what you want from him, don’t let him guess your wishes and needs, only to later reproach him for not knowing you!

•  Be honest with him.

• Remark admiringly that he looks good and women turn their heads after him.

• Give him a gift, however modest, and tell him that while you were buying it you thought of him.

• Do a striptease for him.

1999, MODERN WOMAN

The Ideal Wife for a Happy Marriage
In their relationship with their partner, some women behave like overprotective mothers, but most often, maternal overprotection damages the couple’s balance. Others, on the other hand, accept their responsibilities diligently, but refuse to get involved, for example behaviorally, in their partner’s life, addressing, alongside them, both their personal problems and the difficult family situation.

There are also women who avoid or ignore the poetry in love because, as is known, “something” is not working in their marriage, but they always find an excuse to hide the truth: “He is not selfish, just busy” or “The truth is that he has better taste than I do.” This type of woman defends her partner with all his flaws, which she considers “qualities.” Insecure and possessive, these women have only one goal: to keep their partner by their side until the end of life. Their motto is: “Do whatever you want, just don’t leave me!” Still, things don’t go the way they want, and when rebellions arise or he shows indifference, they adopt a strategic attitude and respond to reproaches with: “Is this how you repay me for everything I’ve done for you?” or “If it weren’t for me, you’d be a wreck!”

Another type, unfortunately quite widespread, is that of the martyr woman, who pities herself and always waits to be pitied by others. She self-victimizes and sacrifices herself in order to find consolation and compassion. Her favorite words are: “I deserve to be treated like this” or “For the good of both of us, it’s better that I remain silent…”

And finally, a last type is the vindictive one. In this case, the woman vents her anger on her partner, threatening to punish him, blaming him for her personal failure.

None of these types of wives really succeed in building a remarkable marriage. That is why, not by chance, specialists in couple issues believe that the relationship can be easily balanced if approached by a wise wife who does not let herself be led by emotions or resentments.

Luiza Spafiu

_____________

2000, MODERN WOMAN

How Much of a Man Is Your Partner? (Test)

Does your partner understand just by looking at you when you want to make love?
a) Often. b) Rarely. c) Always. d) Never.

Can he make love at any hour of the day?
a) In the morning. b) At noon. c) On certain days. d) Never.

Do more intimate caresses awaken his sexual appetite?
a) Always. b) Sometimes. c) Rarely. d) Never.

If you leave him alone for a few days, does his erotic desire completely disappear?
a) Very short, maximum 2 days.
b) Even a week.
c) It happens even more than a week.
d) Very long.

Does he prefer a long foreplay?
a) Yes. b) Sometimes. c) Rarely. d) No.

Does he like long embraces during foreplay?
a) Yes. b) Sometimes. c) Rarely. d) No.

Is firmness, his “virile element,” at the moment of penetration, a source of pleasure?
a) Yes. b) Sometimes. c) Less often. d) No.

Does he like to receive pleasure and feel the need for more subtle caresses and touches outside of sexual intercourse?
a) Yes. b) Sometimes. c) Rarely. d) No.

Does he have spontaneous fantasies in mind?
a) Sometimes. b) Quite often. c) Rarely. d) Never.

Do feminine movements during intercourse excite him?
a) Often. b) Sometimes. c) Rarely. d) No.

Does he usually go as deep as possible?
a) Always. b) Sometimes. c) Less often.

If you ask him, could he prolong sexual intercourse?
a) Yes. b) No. c) I doubt it. d) I am convinced not.

Could he reach orgasm in any position?
a) Of course. b) On certain days. c) I doubt it. d) I am convinced not.

Interpretation of results
Majority “a”
Your life partner is supermasculine. This is due to a very good functioning of the nervous system and a “synchronization” of erotic functions.

Majority “b”
He has normal sexual potency. It is possible that your partner may have an erotic ideal if he learns to develop his fantasy.

Majority “c”
His masculinity is normal, but he belongs to an increasingly large category of men.

Majority “d”
He is not much of a “man” in bed. It might be a good idea to consult a sexologist.

Text: Marius Radu

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2000, MODERN WOMAN

A Look Does Not Mean Adultery
— “Why do you always look at women? What do you see in them? Don’t you love me anymore… You’re a cheater!” — this is how most reproaches sound in couples where he has “wandering eyes, playful heart…”

How justified are these reproaches?
How dangerous for the couple is the temptation of men to look at women?

It is important for women to understand that men are naturally attracted to visual images. A man sees a beautiful woman and instinctively looks at her.
When a woman sees a handsome man, she will pay attention to his appearance only out of appreciation for aesthetic taste. You are not immediately concerned with sexual intercourse.
Women usually make the mistake of believing that such a look is a sign of betrayal. In reality, it is only a biological reaction, related to desire and instinct.
The point that men find harder to escape is that, beyond the look, they may have the tendency to flirt or make proposals.
However, many men choose stability, security, and fidelity in the couple, even if their visual instinct is “awake.”
This is also a test for women:
if they want to have control over the man, they should not reproach him only for his instincts, but make him understand why she deserves his fidelity.
A man is not a cheater because he sees, but because he decides to seek something else.
Therefore, a look does not mean adultery!

____________

2000, MODERN WOMAN

Test: Are You a Good Wife?

Ladies:

What do you do if your husband sometimes comes home late?
a. You wait for him full of anger.
b. You get upset.
c. You leave his dinner in the warmed oven and go to bed.

Unexpectedly, you receive from your husband a gift of fine and expensive lingerie.
a. You scold him for wasting money.
b. You thank him happily.
c. You become curious, insisting on finding out what he wants to make up for with this gesture.

What would you do if you suspected that your husband had been unfaithful?
a. You question him.
b. You check on him often by phone.
c. You wait for him at home with a romantic dinner.

Your husband compliments your best friend in your presence. What do you do?
a. You buy a robe like hers.
b. You get upset.
c. You acknowledge that the friend looks good, but it’s not your style.

What do you do when your husband watches a football match on TV?
a. You are glad that he is finally resting and relaxing.
b. You are glad that you have more time for yourself.
c. You consider it a waste of time.

When was the last time you asked your husband what he would like to do on the weekend?
a. Never.
b. At the beginning of the day.
c. About half an hour before.

What do you do when the baby cries at night?
a. You are happy for your husband to go to him.
b. You go immediately from bed.
c. You reproach him for not bothering.

What do you do if your husband doesn’t want to buy a new washing machine?
a. You use the old one without problems.
b. You tell your husband to do the laundry himself with the old one.
c. You try to save money for a new washing machine.

What do you do if your husband admits to an old infidelity?
a. You accuse him.
b. You blame yourself.
c. You leave him without a word.

You really like a dress, but you know that to buy it you would have to save a lot for a long time. What do you do?
a. You buy it immediately.
b. You ask your husband if you can buy it.
c. You forget about the dress.

SCORE:

Questions	a	b	c
1	5	0	10
2	0	5	10
3	0	5	10
4	0	5	10
5	10	5	0
6	0	5	10
7	0	10	5
8	10	0	5
9	0	5	10
10	0	5	10

Results:
Between 85–100 points: You spoil your husband too much. Don’t be so understanding all the time!
Between 45–85 points: You manage to make your relationship harmonious, although sometimes stubbornness and the desire to control the situation burst out in you.
Between 0–45 points: If you don’t love your husband, it would be best to break off the relationship with him. If you still love him, try to please him sometimes.

1. Enescu

_____________________

2003, ZIUA

Classic Opinions

Love and Its Goods

Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not love, I am become as sounding brass or a tinkling cymbal.
And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not love, I am nothing.
And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not love, it profiteth me nothing.
Love suffers long, and is kind; love envies not; love vaunts not itself, is not puffed up.
Does not behave itself unseemly, seeks not its own, is not easily provoked, thinks no evil.
Rejoices not in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth.
Bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails. But whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.
For we know in part, and we prophesy in part.
But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.
When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.
And now abide these three: faith, hope, love. But the greatest of these is love.

The First Epistle to the Corinthians of Saint Paul the Apostle, Chapter 13

Love

In the end, the crown and fruit of all virtues, of all spiritual labors, is love — that gift which can be given only by God, as the final result of all soul preparations.
When Christ comes to judge us, the criterion will be love — not a simple humanitarian concern, but concrete and personal love for our neighbor, whoever he may be. Not abstract entities like “social class” or “race,” but the living, unique person whom God has placed in our path.
Christian love is not social activism; it is not focused on “humanity” but on the person. The social activist can sacrifice the individual for the “common interest.” Christianity, on the other hand, demands care for each individual soul.
The Parable of the Last Judgment does not speak of politics, but of love as a daily, concrete exercise: “I was hungry and you gave me food, naked and you clothed me.”
Each person is called to respond with personal love. And we will be judged not for ideas, but for how we loved.

Alexander Schmemann – Great Lent

Not all of us are called to work for “humanity.” But each of us has received the grace of Christ’s love.
Some people are in prison, sick, alone — because this personal love was denied to them.
Each of us is responsible for a fragment of the Kingdom of God.
We will be judged for our love or for our refusal to love:
“Inasmuch as you have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, you have done it unto Me.”

Denis de Rougemont – Love in the Western World
To be in love does not mean to love. Falling in love is a state, love is an action.
Agape, Christian love, affirms being through action.
Eros, passionate love, glorified the instinct of death.
Agape does not destroy, but redeems even the one who destroys.
Christianity proclaimed equality between man and woman. Mutual love requires equality. The practice of fidelity develops a new way of seeing the other.
A man who restrains himself does not do so from lack of passion, but because he loves.
Marriage thus becomes the protected space of love — not through morality, but through respect for the person.

Nicolae Steinhardt – The Diary of Happiness
A friend or neighbor is more precious to us than a so-called truth whose validity we do not know. Love for our neighbor is our true duty; we must come to the aid of our neighbor, while in the name of uncertain and temporary truths, the conscientious are always ready to persecute and denounce their fellows. The true veritas is called caritas.
The Romanian people have always acted this way, placing charity above the “truths” of the moment, the neighbor and friend far above glacial objectivity.

________________

2005, EVENIMENTUL ZILEI

Market Love

After millennia of history, love continues to play an important role on the stage of life, but in a different setting, in which the prince on the white horse has been replaced by the young businessman with a Mercedes and sunglasses, and perfumed notes, love letters, and serenades under the balcony have been dethroned by e-mail and music dedications on MTV. People thousands of kilometers apart can fall in love just by looking at a poorly scanned picture sent over the Internet.
Love, which once sparked wars or brought peace, no longer seems in our days a sufficient reason for a traditional marriage. Strongly supported by merchants, and with unexpected appeal to those who wish to be seduced by the aroma of the West, Valentine’s Day remains a media kitsch, with a purely commercial purpose.
Romanticism remains; only its methods of manifestation change, subject to a world capitalized down to the last cell. In the fast-paced century, we have become accustomed to conforming to the whirlwind of daily problems, to making efficiency calculations and precisely estimating the effectiveness of our actions, so that we rarely have the time or availability to think about feelings.

A Modern Vision
A more pragmatic vision of life has brought the sexual theme to the forefront, and the shy kiss on the cheek has been replaced by one-night stands. “Modern love is superficial, pragmatic, and easy,” says psychologist Mirela Zivari. Couples no longer have time, although a solid relationship is built by investing energy and time.
In the past, lovers performed certain rituals before building a relationship. The man would court the woman diligently, even duel for her love and honor. Today, moral values are considered misogynistic and outdated.
The explosion of commercialism and the promotion of image through film, advertising, and music have changed the image of women and their self-perception. Women are increasingly presented through eroticism, sexuality, and nonverbal language, and relationships become fragile, dictated by sexual interest.
“Love is centered on comfort, social status, and less on love. Accepting the other with all their qualities and flaws is a step toward emotional maturity,” says Mirela Zivari.

Old-Fashioned Passions
Ștefan Dumitrescu, president of the National Association of Pensioners in Romania, recalls the times when women were respected and relationships had clear limits. Meetings took place only with the family’s consent, and 8 p.m. was the deadline.
The pastry shop was the meeting place. Birthdays brought performers or musicians with instruments. “Tea dances” were very popular, an occasion for acquaintance and fun. Today, he believes, love is altered and the emphasis has been placed on the material side.

Love Has No Age
Venera and Cornel Vancea, with 50 years of marriage, are proof that love and respect can last. “My husband is extraordinary. He respects me as he did in our youth,” says Venera.

A Modern Love Story
Lavinia and Adrian (22 and 24 years old) met in a club. Their story began with an unusual gesture: he gave her his number and asked her to call him. Today, they fondly remember their first kiss and first “I love you.”
“When he tells me ‘I love you,’ there’s a sparkle in his eyes that’s the most sincere declaration,” says Lavinia. Last year, Adrian gave her a ring, and now they are planning a trip to the mountains.

Gifts Between Lovers
The most common are flowers, followed by plush toys and chocolates. Red roses signify passionate love, white ones – purity, yellow ones – joy, and purple ones – love at first sight.

The Oldest Love Declaration
Dating from 2200 BC, a 16 kg stone tablet contains Gimek’s love letter to Dasbuaj, inviting her to a meeting in Babylon.

Psychologist Mirela Zivari on Famous Couples
Adriana Bahmuțeanu & Silviu Prigoană – She seeks social status, he buys anything.
Lili Sandu & Bogdan Stelea – She aspires to be someone, he is famous with “charm.”
Nicoleta Luciu & Dinu Maxer – A love that has withstood fame.
Adrian Mutu & Alexandra Dinu – A story of change and taking responsibility.

The Legends of Saint Valentine and Dragobete
Saint Valentine married couples in secret, dying in prison on February 14, 270 AD. Dragobete, the Dacian god of love, officiated the wedding of animals and celebrated life.
February 24 was a time when young people resonated with nature, meeting so that their love would last all year.

_______________

2007, CONVORBIRI LITERARE

Marriage as Positive Asceticism

The Christian thinker Vladimir Solovyov, in his work The Meaning of Love, considers monasticism to be inferior to marriage in terms of the quality of asceticism. (By asceticism, we mean: a profoundly spiritual way of life, based on renunciation of the worldly – that is, the sordid and rudimentary worldly – with ascetics being able to live in the world, but not like the world.)
According to Solovyov, asceticism has two levels:
Negative asceticism, meaning monastic.
Positive asceticism, in true marriage.
Solovyov estimates that the asceticism of the monk leads only to anghelosis (becoming angelic), at best. In true marriage lies the divine-human path toward theosis (deification, communion with God).
Why would monastic asceticism be negative? The word “negative” here designates: the contradiction of the natural law of stable male-female union. “Negative” also implies erotic abstinence, generally forced. It also implies limiting the result of asceticism.
True marriage is above monasticism regarding the possibility of spiritual realization. But the attribute “true” is emphasized, by which a spiritual union is distinguished from conventional marriage, opaque to mysteries, fallen. True marriage would be, at present, an ideal difficult to achieve, if not a utopia. But we must still keep it in view as a possibility. Just as through baptism man is called to perfection, so through the sacrament of marriage he is called to the experience of divine communion.
Obviously, marriage is not spontaneously an illuminating or saving path. It leads to theosis only through initiation into Christian mysteries. Marriage is one of the 7 mysteries of Christian initiation, it is the fifth mystery, expressed in the concrete plane. Monasticism is also a “marriage,” but symbolic, abstract, figurative: the symbolic wedding between the bridegroom Christ and the person who chooses monasticism.
In true marriage, the path to theosis is traced by spiritual preparation, received within the ecclesial framework, sustained through the spiritual father–penitent relationship. Only in this framework can the living of the husband–wife union, the orgasm, naturally prefigure the agapic realization.
It is true that all words describing a mystical ecstasy are borrowed from the terminology of sexual ecstasy. It is true that there are similarities in intensity, climax, culmination. Only sexual ecstasy lasts briefly, is point-like and explosive, while ascetic ecstasy has an extended, inhabitable duration.
Someone opined, metaphorically, that the orgasm can give the minimal paradigm of enlightenment, showing how the whole experience focuses into an ecstatic whole. After climax, the happy one asks “Where is my body?” But the orgasm is only the sketch, only the fleeting image of ecstatic enlightenment. After it comes fatigue, sadness, torpor. And thus that theosis, which for the great realizers is a continuous, lasting acquisition, is gone.
When Solovyov establishes the two levels of asceticism and states the superiority of marriage, he also has in mind a fact: monasticism, as it appears today, offers very few cases of authentic asceticism. One does not encounter high-quality monastic asceticism; rather, very rarely, there are great ascetics, charismatic personalities, who have sometimes come from the monastic environment. But monasticism in general, as it presents itself in history, and especially today, is a kind of professionalization of prayer and of living according to liturgical hours.
There has not been an explicit illuminatory intention in monasticism, but a glorifying one. But even this has been carried out “professionally,” if not doubtfully. This is noted, recently, by Archimandrite Ephraim, abbot on Athos, during a visit to Romania in 2001:
“At the monasteries I visited, whether of nuns or monks, I saw only superficial, coarse monasticism. There is no precision, akribeia, in monastic life.”
(“Accuracy of conscience” means precision of conscience, explained Abbot Ephraim.)
In symmetry, however, we reiterate the clarification: marriage functions as “asceticism” only when elevated to the power of the sacrament of marriage (sacramentum). Asceticism meaning: conscious and guided work, leading to purification, illumination, perfection. Askeis presupposes a triple spiritual “guard,” with possible, if not inevitable, illuminatory intervals.

We can evaluate the two asceticisms (negative–monastic and positive–marital) not so much from the perspective of illuminatory performance, but by a more relevant criterion: that of salvation. For asceticism itself is not a goal, but a way. And not a way toward supernatural performances, but toward improvement and salvation.
From this soteriological perspective, we see that the asceticism of marriage leads more naturally toward fulfillment. And the monastic one is a kind of protected path, sheltered from storms, contrary to the data of the human condition.
As for angelification or deification, these are conventional notions, naming states and levels for which guided work is needed, regardless of which category you belong to: that is, even when you are in the soteriologically advantaged situation of true marriage.

Vasile Andru