1966, FAMILY
LOVE AND KNOWLEDGE (excerpt)
Terms are not always within the framework of their notions. Knowledge sometimes requires an effort to clarify common meanings.
Love is an obvious fact: when it is present or when it is absent. It is an obvious fact and, in the end, it is also a choice. A kind of choice for an obvious fact – a paradoxical definition, but not without its grounds. Love is an obvious fact that is chosen.
It is clear, however, that only a certain experience of knowledge can ground this clear, irrefutable obvious fact – love. Psychologically speaking, love is not possible without a certain experience of knowledge. Love is a form of knowledge.
At the same time, however, love is also a premise of knowledge. This may seem a paradox if we think of the rigor of the scientific method. Nevertheless, it is commonly accepted that love is a condition for knowing an object, especially for self-knowledge.
Psychologically speaking, the premise of knowledge is an emotional motivation for it. In the case of love, the emotional condition is very intense and motivating. Perhaps that is why it is also said that love is a premise of knowledge.
Knowledge, in turn, has two forms: one theoretical and one practical.
In love, practical knowledge is especially present, in the sense of living existential experience.
Love is a deep and complex life experience.
This aspect is, moreover, quite well highlighted in works that study the problems of sexuality. It is a known idea that sexuality is not reduced to the function of reproduction and not even to the physiological dimension, but has a deeper, existential significance.
This significance is closely linked to love. In this way, love is linked to the human condition, to the fact of being human.
The problem of love is, in this vision, a fundamental problem of the human.
Psychologists, phenomenologists, disciples of existentialism, sociologists have convergently demonstrated that sexuality is a form of manifestation of human existence, and not a simple biological function.
Thus, E. Minkowski considers that sexuality is a form of participation in the being of life, that is, a form of manifestation of it.
Bachelard gives sexuality a poetic meaning, of reverie.
E. Strauss interpreted sexuality as a structure of behavior, specific to a human existence, and not as a purely biological instinct.
M. Boss, 1957, in a work inspired by Heideggerian thought, shows that sexuality should not be understood as an isolated function, but within the whole existential structure, and that in this framework it finds its true significance.
This conception has, moreover, been consistently supported by existentialist philosophy. Heidegger, in Being and Time, describes the existential structure of man (the Dasein), insisting on the significance of affectivity as a way of revealing the world. In this vision, love is a privileged way of opening towards being. And for K. Jaspers, love is a form of existential communication, that is, an authentic relationship between two human beings. P. Tillich spoke of love as a tendency towards the reunification of what is separate, as a manifestation of the courage to be.
These directions, despite the diversity of points of view, converge on an essential fact: love is a form of human life, an expression of the specific way of being of man.
As such, love is also a form of knowledge.
This also results from the fact that through love man reveals his profound dimensions and engages in an authentic existence.
In other words, love is a way of living authentically, a form of authentic communication, a path to the true being of the other, a way of existential knowledge.
So, is love a form of knowledge? And if so, what is the specificity of this form of knowledge?
The answer to this question is all the more necessary as love is a favorite theme of literature and a concept frequently used in existentialist philosophy.
Apart from phenomenologically and existentially inspired approaches, there are also numerous attempts to understand love within the human sciences.
The problem of the relationship between love and sexuality, between love and knowledge, between love and creation, etc., has been raised.
One fact is certain: love has become a theme of philosophical and scientific reflection.
Another equally certain fact: love is a theme of poetic and artistic inspiration.
The question arises: how do these two aspects fit together?
Is it simply a juxtaposition, or is there a deeper unity between the two aspects?
This question is actually a fundamental problem of culture: the problem of the unity between knowledge and creation, between science and art.
That love is a poetic theme is a well-known fact. That love is an existential fact is also well-known.
The problem is whether love can also be considered a form of knowledge.
This is, moreover, the idea that humanist culture has constantly supported.
And not by chance.
Love is part of those realities that involve the whole being of man and deeply engage his consciousness.
In this sense, love is a form of living, of knowledge, and of creation at the same time.
Man knows through love. Man creates through love.
This is the idea we wish to support in this essay.
We will try to show that love is a specific form of knowledge. We will also try to show that love is a premise of creation.
Only starting from this idea can we understand that love is a profound human reality.
Only in this way can we understand that love is a factor in the formation of personality.
RADU ENESCU
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1966, WOMAN
Registering a marriage
“Only the marriage concluded before the civil status officer gives rise to the rights and obligations of spouses provided for in this code” (Family Code, art. 3).
– The marriage declaration is made in person by the future spouses at the executive committee of the people’s council in whose jurisdiction one of them resides.
– If one of the future spouses is not in the locality where they are to marry, they may make the marriage declaration to the civil status officer in the locality where they are.
– Necessary documents: identity cards, original and simple or legalized copies of birth certificates, proof of dissolution of a previous marriage (if applicable), medical certificates attesting to the health of the future spouses.
– The consent of the future spouses will be taken after 8 days have passed from the date the marriage declaration was made, ascertaining that the legal requirements are met, that there are no well-founded objections to the marriage, and no legal impediments.
– The marriage act is signed by the spouses and by the civil status officer who took the spouses’ consent (Decree no. 278/1960).
Rights and obligations of spouses
“Man and woman have equal rights and obligations in marriage. Spouses decide by mutual agreement regarding the marriage.”
– The surname of the spouses, the right to bear the name of one of them, a combined name, or for each to keep their previous surname.
– The rights of parents are exercised only in the interest of the children.
– The obligation of the spouses to live together arises from the nature of marital relations. Leaving the marital home may constitute the fault of the spouse, and moving away from the family home may constitute an offense punishable under criminal law.
– The obligation of moral support and mutual fidelity is protected by provisions of the Family Code and the Criminal Law.
– Spouses are obliged to contribute, in proportion to each one’s means, to the expenses of the marriage.
– Maintenance (alimony) may be established even during marriage if one spouse refuses to contribute, in proportion to their means, to the household’s needs.
– If the spouses have divorced, the right to maintenance continues for the spouse who is in need due to a work incapacity arising before or during the marriage, as well as when the incapacity arises within a year from the dissolution of the marriage as a result of circumstances related to the marriage. In these cases, the amount of maintenance may be set at up to one third of the net income of the other spouse; if maintenance is also owed to children, the amount may not exceed half of this income. The spouse at whose exclusive fault the divorce was pronounced may benefit from maintenance for only one year. In all cases, the right to maintenance ceases upon remarriage (Decree no. 779/1966).
– Assets acquired during the marriage are the common property of the spouses.
– The salaries of the spouses are common property.
– The woman’s work in the household for raising and educating children constitutes a contribution to the acquisition of common property.
– The spouses’ personal property consists of assets acquired before the marriage, those acquired during the marriage by inheritance, legacy, or donation to one spouse, personal use items and those intended for the exercise of a profession, prizes, awards, scientific or literary manuscripts, as well as other such assets provided by law.
– Amounts deposited at the Savings Bank by one spouse are common property or personal property, depending on whether they fall into one of the two situations regulated by the Family Code.
– Division of common property during the marriage, at the request of one spouse, may be admitted by the court for well-founded reasons, in the interest of the marriage and the family.
Birth allowance
“A birth allowance is established, granted to the mother for each child born, starting with the third child. The amount of the birth allowance is 1,000 lei and is granted based on the birth certificates of the children” (Decree no. 954/1966, art. 1).
– The birth allowance is not taxable and cannot be seized for debts.
– It is granted to the mother regardless of income and marital status and regardless of whether she is employed.
– In the case of twin births, for the calculation of allowance rights, each child born is considered a separate birth.
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1966, WOMAN
The wife of the famous man
Two women who lived alongside famous men – Maria Tulescu and Alice-Vera Călinescu – spoke to us about themselves, about their lives in the company of two of those who, through their works, gave new brilliance to Romanian art and culture.
Everything in her face is calm, tenacious. The turmoil of the heart shows only in frequent eyelid flickers, and the well-dammed tears do not leave their place on her cheek, Maria Tulescu tells us.
— They were all joys. Of a modesty as all-encompassing as could be…
We were classmates at the faculty of medicine. This waiting lasted nineteen years. He was younger by one day, dreaming of the first science of life, meeting me. I was dreaming of advancing in the profession of doctor, a profession with destinies — either those above professionalism. Extraordinary. We consoled each other. I studied until late at night, he fixed his deep, warm eyes on me. He made no gesture. And this calm of wisdom remained. What could marriage be? A road of stones? A fate?
I knew him to the depths of his soul, I knew his every gesture, every moment of joy and sadness…
— I also did my first night shifts: realizing it, he would accompany me, sheltered. My husband had also begun to plan basic manuals. We would go together to the School of the Office of all. Now when, in my husband’s briefcase, I often find boxes of paints… It was he who sent me through director Angelescu. Marius Bunescu bowed before my image.
Then the awards began, the work, the responsible work. My husband was calm, gentle, refusing any praise. We worked exactly alike. We went to Italy, Spain, Yugoslavia, Bulgaria, but my husband also found time for home.
We both went through great sorrows, but we always found each other again. We raised a child of great kindness. Now he has become of exceptional intelligence. We took a step and discovered something new: we were witnesses to all the emotions before the crowd that welcomed us in Bucharest.
I was a white shadow. I was his support, his left hand. I am proud. Maria Tulescu is the doctor with a high professional conscience. And she was everything. He repaid my parents because he did not have them. I lifted him up alongside the others. And if this house was shadowed by the voices of some who envied it, I can only be proud. I have lived 45 years in waiting, I have always fed in my heart.
Vera — as her husband called her — knew him better, looked at him. Age had not stolen her candor. Naive, in the sublime sense of the word, with the soul of a child and mature intelligence. Clarifying on her own the understanding of the underline and sympathy.
She is silent. Two unmistakable figures. In the same waiting. They, waiting, as years before, in his classes, for the professors with story-like gazes.
Was she 18 when she married George Călinescu? She would never have said that she had achieved such a thing! What a harem? Energy and adoration, it is a cultural patience, inexhaustible.
Thirty-four years of toil and silence. Alice-Vera understood her judgment of love: never a word, but a gesture, a moment.
She was his only daughter. She was silent. Călinescu had a calmness of spirit that she protected.
Life had given her much. She was often wronged. Calm, with an unusual power of concentration, she knew she could not be replaced.
A wife down to the remaining ashes, deeply felt, profound and sincere, pure and strong, in the face of death she said: “To accompany him with pride!”
Only those who knew the genius Călinescu know what this inner affirmation means. Vera was his support, the ideal support, the ideal wife.
Alice-Vera Călinescu could speak at length… With all the brilliance of a destiny.
If those around a writer do not show him the slightest recognition, if the wife does not understand the miracle at every step, does not accompany him, then what is it? He would live in a glass house, eat glass bread, love only one person — her!
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1966, WOMAN
The type of devoted sister and wife
Among the women who were destined to share the companionship of a man of genius or talent — a man with a creative spirit, there are many who have earned the right to gratitude and homage for the great understanding and deep devotion they have shown in the proximity of these rare human examples.
Through their power of understanding and spirit of sacrifice, such women have contributed, from the shadows, modestly, to the creation of works that were achieved alongside them. In the realm of Romanian and universal culture, among the women whose names are linked to the great enlightened spirits, we mention today Harieta Eminovici, sister of Mihai Eminescu, and Sașa Odobescu, wife of the writer Alexandru Odobescu.
Harieta Eminovici
The selflessness with which Harieta (or Henrieta) Eminovici cared for Eminescu in the years when, once again seized by illness, the poet withdrew to the little house in Botoșani where his younger sister lived, is exemplary.
Afflicted herself by an infirmity which she bore with stoicism, Harieta could move her legs only with the help of iron contraptions weighing 3 kg. When her unfortunate brother turned to her for help, Harieta did not hesitate to give him all her care. She was aware of Eminescu’s genius and considered that destiny had entrusted her with the noble mission of saving him.
Although she had not studied — she had only known the primer — she was endowed with an extraordinary intelligence that had aroused the admiration of her poet brother: “I have another sister, a genius in her own way, with a memory like Napoleon’s and natural wisdom.”
Half dead, as he said, Harieta had been struck by apoplexy.
Eminescu agreed to the organization of monetary aid resulting from public contests, through subscription lists. The money was carefully managed, with savings being made, for Harieta secretly wished to buy a little house in which to retire with Eminescu, determined to care for him until death, although this involved enormous sacrifices on her part — of all kinds, but especially physical.
Eminescu’s serious illness required Harieta’s presence at his bedside several times a day. The devoted sister was the support of his tormented body, each time traversing a distance that must have seemed enormous to her. She moved with difficulty, producing a clanking of iron; sometimes, to avoid the noise, she removed her walking contraptions, dragging her feet with great difficulty.
To get from inside the house to the front door took her half an hour, as testified by two of Eminescu’s friends who visited him in Botoșani in that year, 1887–1888.
On St. Nicolae Street no. 1, the inhabitants of the small town in the north of Moldavia often saw the now-familiar picture: a crippled woman walking her brother with an absent look, definitively turned to an abyssal world.
Harieta gave Eminescu a unique kind of affection, which contained the essence of maternal feeling and sisterly love, pushed beyond the usual limits, born from the great admiration his genius inspired in her and from the compassion his suffering awakened.
After Eminescu’s death, her life lost its meaning. She survived only a few more months, passing away on October 14, 1889.
Sașa Odobescu
In light of the testimonies that speak about her, the wife of the writer Alexandru Odobescu, Sașa, appears as a superior being, with an almost unique ability to understand the subtle psychology of the complex personality that was her husband.
A young woman, with a good education and solid conceptions about life, Sașa watched over the tumultuous existence of the writer with tact and discretion, in a companionship of over thirty-five years.
With goodwill and greatness of soul, she followed a path that was often difficult.
Gifted with great physical beauty and coming from a family with noble titles, in a historical era when the boyar class, indifferent to the suffering of the people, lived in wealth and splendor, Sașa seemed prepared for a life of superficial joys.
Destiny, however, made her know a life full of agitation alongside her husband.
She was by his side in drafting his works, maintaining contact with Odobescu’s devoted students — he was also a university professor of archaeology at the University of Bucharest — and with admirers of his writings.
Through her husband’s disciples, Sașa maintained not only the image of a talented writer but also that of one of the most erudite men of culture of the 19th-century Romania.
Her sense of living came from the awareness of her spiritual bond with the writer.
She endured, without complaint, sufferings of unusual drama.
She remained admirable, gentle, kind, wise, always seeking and finding, with effort, the best possible solutions to ensure the happiness of the husband she considered a value of our culture.
She died in poverty, at over ninety years old, in modest surroundings, balanced by the idea of fulfilling an ideal.
The former passionate researcher of Odobescu’s biography sought her grave in vain. No inscription today reminds us of her passage on earth.
Odobescu, deeply disturbed by personal events and by his own illness, decided to end his life. Sașa could not save him.
Surviving him by more than twenty-five years, Sașa Odobescu spent her last days in respect for the memory of her illustrious husband. She took pious care in the reprinting of his work.
She remained imprinted in the consciousness of her contemporaries, passed on to posterity, as the type of perfect woman, in whose hands one can entrust the peace and balance of the complex soul of an exceptional man.
ELENA PIRU
“Love is like a battle.
On its battlefield there is no place for cowards, for here one must often endure many unpleasant and harsh things.”
(OVID: The Art of Love)
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1967, WOMAN
“THAT SOMETHING COMPLETELY NEW THAT IS CALLED US”
— 15?… one April. 75% — two more.
CECILIA BANC, chemical engineer. Good to calculate, but not to explain — it seems to me. But, in any case, these 10% would be worth wishing for and waiting for.
In my opinion, in the most personal social relationship, that of marriage, the laws of iron cannot work. In place of the divine law of force of the past has settled the much more personalized and finely nuanced law of the unity of feeling. We = woman + man who have not brought a child into the world do not feel truly happy, fulfilled except in the life of two. You offer the other the satisfaction of seeing how much of your youth you can entrust to a being to give yourself totally — completely — on the path of fulfillments, which are truly set only in a double copy. To be two means to think as two, to have converging thoughts. To truly embody the principles of caring devotedly for the one beside you.
To love your neighbor — someone said — means to offer him possibilities. Love is, therefore, to a much greater extent an attitude, a position towards the other. Too little is said about the joys of working as two, of the couple of intellectuals who go through life shoulder to shoulder. About success as two.
I believe that in this way the role of the husband becomes clear — that of consolidating and at the same time deepening the wife’s happiness.
To give two children for the rest of your life is still a sacrifice. At 22 you want a girl. At 22 you can love and want a child.
SORINA NICOLAE, teacher
Life as a couple is at the same time a unity that understands nature, compatibility, love, communication. It is known: two characters like two teeth in the same wheel. A wheel turns thanks to a joint. Two people can turn on the same life orbit. Experience confirms that husband and wife must be friends, good colleagues, confidants, the best companions.
Everything starts from a dialogue, from a sincere discussion, from unshaken trust, from total entrusting in the other, from the conviction that this is the being with whom you can spend your life. From the love that was and has remained the only one.
When a woman loves, everything changes around her, even things become better.
A life as a couple means sharing joys and hardships. It means uniting thoughts into one mind. When you come to understand life as a couple, nothing seems hard to you, everything becomes simple.
MARIA COTRUȚA, engineer.
The stories of one’s own experiences of life together can start from a minimum point — a dream — an ideal — to living next to a person, to getting used to the thought that from today you are no longer just you.
But Maria, the hostess, a former lieutenant, a man then past 30 years old, determined, too sober — came from a life of struggle, of responsibilities.
Marriage did not mean for him the beginning of a family life, but on the contrary: a last stop.
No, not a happy marriage. Maria is honest.
— He made me understand marriage differently. I had the impression that everything is for life. But in fact every morning had to be a new confirmation. I realized that you cannot live peacefully next to a person unless you win them over again each day, renew them, resuscitate them.
A life as a couple gets meaning only when each shapes their character through the other.
To love means to trust the man you are in love with, with whom you want to stay, with whom you marry. But to love also means to know how to recognize the other’s weak points, to understand them, to face them with patience.
In life as a couple there can appear jealousy, lack of communication, routine, tiredness, perhaps even boredom.
But if you trust the other and love him, if you know how to give yourself totally, you will not get into behavioral disorders, not even to those misunderstandings about children and homework, which sometimes cause increasingly frequent crises.
I believe that before forming an ideal of life together, parents have the duty to discuss the responsibility of the future with their children. To tell them what the risks and benefits are.
To speak to them clearly about married life. To speak normally and conditionally.
C. CHIRCULESCU-RADU, educational counselor, Radu Negru High School, Bucharest.
— If parents know how to raise their children, if they don’t learn from a young age certain fears, tensions, dissatisfactions — the children will become normal people. We, at Radu Negru High School, had two boys at 18 years old, two girls of 16 — legally married, in school. Both studied well. They became outright popular in high school.
It is unimaginable for some. But it was possible. Because they had the support of their parents, the courage to speak, and the understanding. Because they did not start on the path of marriage under impulse or pressure. They realized they wanted to stay together and took the step.
Even from these few opinions it is understood that life as a couple is not an adventure nor a provisional attempt. It is a reality. A struggle and a fulfillment. An occurrence and a construction.
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1967, WOMAN
ten men who did not give their names
by DOREL DORIAN
- — To tell you the truth, I’m tired of so much “in two.” When she’s at home (the wife), when she’s gone… What do we men do when love “burns forever”?
— What do you mean? Do you mean I’m ready for marriage only when young, and until death?
Yet also a truth: life stabilizes, it doesn’t just strike. - — Senelejec, I no longer believe in love in two. I don’t know how you worded the question. I lived a life alongside a beautiful woman.
III. — It was too much… a lady of the new fashion, educated, bold, cultured.
- — We have been married for almost 6 years, but I am both man and woman in this house. I say this to emphasize the truth…
- — The answer, if you can record the sincerity: The first, whose unforgettable face followed me even after marriage, was a great love. After that there were many others.
— And the wife?
— Wife, mother, devoted. Something in between. I remained with the conviction that there are great loves, but they do not last. - — I realize that something is not working. It’s a fear. She is beautiful, well-raised. Maybe that’s precisely why I married her. Maybe that’s also why we divorced. (4 months ago.)
VII. — My wife is an extraordinary woman. It seems to me she does not understand enough. And neither am I.
It seems to me that some men have a more melodious inner music, but don’t know how to express it.
To make it clear, sir, I prefer poetry.
VIII. — The drama is, in my opinion, that people get married without knowing each other beforehand. It happened to me three times to meet girls, to get to know them more and more, until I discovered that I didn’t know them.
And something else: people no longer understand their own preferences. A quiet girl is not necessarily a good woman, good to marry, I married a more assertive, more independent girl and after a while she told me she preferred others, more temperate, softer…
— And what do you do when you see…
— You try to go along with his tastes, his preferences…
- — Some say that mutual respect and trust are the basis of a family life. And that’s what the specialists say, I have nothing to add. But, scientifically proven, in the family, about the man, about the truth of preference, then you’ll see how he backs away.
— And you never take revenge?
— I’ve learned. I don’t say a word anymore. - — I think we don’t know how to live together. That is, we don’t know yet… (Six months since marriage.)
X — Too much is said about respect and we reserved ourselves without too many discussions. (21 years of marriage.)
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1968, WOMAN
Who initiates you into family life?
by AURA ARACHELIAN
For this survey, 100 girls were questioned, aged between 17 and 24, high school graduates, first-year students and workers, engaged or not.
We did not give any names, only wanted initials and age. At 18 years old dreams begin to come to life, every image implied in a calm sentence, from the desire to start a family.
The survey seeks to try, within the limits imposed by the nature of the inquiry itself, to find out the thoughts and dreams of adolescent girls.
HOW DO YOU WANT YOUR FUTURE HUSBAND TO LOOK?
Not having the ambition to discover the real identity of the young man who inspired the great Will with the tragic love story of Juliet of Verona, we do not know what height Romeo had.
What is certain is that we know, based on the physical data imagined by the 100 girls who answered our survey.
In the majority of cases — to the question: “How do you want your future husband to look?” — the answer was limited to noting a height at the upper limits of the species: between 1.83 and 2.01 m are the limits in which, in their majority, the answers are set for the stature of the ideal man: 1.88, 94 heights (answers F.A.).
If the ideals of the young women are, in most cases, rather hard to find in reality (the average height of men, despite its noticeable increase, has not yet reached 1.70 m), on the other hand, sharing the practices of the imagined Romeo, they gave the names of common occupations, those of household heads, desires and “husband qualities”! The survey gathered the following answers:
— I want a husband who works, who is serious, who loves me, understands children, knows how to cook, does the shopping and helps me with cleaning. I am not a cook; I consider that an abasement. (G.M.); “To keep clean and iron clothes!” (P.E.); “To wash dishes and iron petticoats (editor’s note — they don’t seem to be worn anymore!?)”.
“To wash dishes and shake rugs” (sic!) (F.M.); “I’ll iron the men’s shirts myself. To respect my mother” (S.E.). From the other answers, 7 questioned girls require love and respect from their future fiancé — and all of these would be parquet. Only 9 answers fall into the order of consecrated things: “To know how to keep clean.”
Another girl values her future husband for “good mood and the sense of reconciling the quarrel.”
At such aspirations, a high degree of Juliet’s household conscience is not implied. But…
THE MAN RISKS BECOMING A LIVER PATIENT!
An approximate evaluation of the most often invoked reasons for which divorces are filed indicates among the most frequent reasons the fact that she does not know how to cook. With what does the young wife meet the household requirements demanded by the husband? Our survey investigated, through a few basic questions, the set of household knowledge of the young women:
- Do you want to have a housekeeper after marriage?
- Do you want to take care of the household yourself?
- Do you think of getting help from your mother-in-law?
To the first question about 9 girls answered yes. To the second, 68 girls expressed agreement, while the remaining 24 declared they wanted help from their mother or mother-in-law. Given the almost general orientation toward taking responsibility for the household — also a source of great satisfaction — and in addition demanding from the future husband active participation in household chores, it would be natural for the sum of their household practices to be clearly and precisely recognized. The survey results, however, indicate the opposite, a nuanced responsibility only in treated questions. The survey was oriented in two parts and asked:
How do you iron a men’s shirt? On which side do you iron it?
How do you sew on a collar button and on men’s trousers?
Where do you keep flour and sugar?
Where do you keep potatoes and onions?
Where do you keep clean laundry?
What do you do when the food burns?
What is the complete process for washing clothes?
What is the order of cleaning?
What do you do when the stove does not work?
For the first group of questions, most answers were negative (“I don’t know”), or reversed the natural order of the question, while for the last question in the first group, most subjects were misled, estimating different amounts of soda, although the formula we gave was childish and contraindicated.
For the second group of questions, the survey results were satisfactory. They concern us according to the rules of common sense.
“They cut the leaves (!) and roll them in a bottle (!). Otherwise, housekeeping is a simple thing.” “They are watered and chopped.” “Pour out the water.”
The girls declare — for the most part — that housekeeping is not an art, but that they know how to keep clean.
“To do the shopping and help my wife with everything.” (S.C.); “I think it’s proper to do everything” (R.I.); “I want a clean wife, to iron clothes and to wash” (D.P.); “And I will also do the cleaning” (V.A.)
We would have expected that to the first question in the last group the correct answer would be unanimous. Error! Most answer approximately: “Soup is made only from poultry, ciorba can be made with tomatoes, potatoes, etc. from the so-called bors.” (L.I.); “Soup has no bors, ciorba is made with bors.” (F.D.); “I will never cook. I don’t like it.” (S.M.)
AT WHAT AGE DO YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED?
98 percent of the teenage girls questioned, in their own confession, see marriage as a superior social situation, a favorable framework for establishing warm, affectionate relationships, and an opportunity for ideal communion.
Here are some of those answers we considered most characteristic: “I want to get married at 23–24 years old” (M.M.); “At 19 years old” (A.N.); “After I establish my position, I’d like to, I will get married. I think at 20 years old” (C.E.); “As soon as possible” (F.I.)
The question “Why do you get married?” received in most cases answers that attest to the depth and seriousness of the feeling: “Because I believe that the one with whom I will share my life will be a real man” (E.C.); “Because I want to have someone close, who understands me” (F.D.); “So as not to be alone” (C.F.); “Out of love” (A.Ș.); “Because at a certain age you feel the need to have someone by your side”; “To share joys and sorrows” (M.B.); “To have a life companion” (V.V.)
WHO INITIATES YOU INTO FAMILY LIFE?
Most of the answers we received invariably bring us back to the same question: “Who initiates you into family life?” Of course, the problem applies not only to girls, but also to boys.
Above all, among parents lies the key to resolving the creation of opportunities for closeness and making a decisive contribution within the family, parents remaining so necessary in the nuanced educational process that unfolds in many stages and styles in the formation of young people.
It is known that in the urban environment the problem is significantly different from that in the rural environment. However, no definitive result could be reached. Perhaps precisely because no serious and necessary program has ever been thought out.
The answers given to the questions formulated in the present survey, regarding their initiation into acquiring household skills, are completely unsatisfactory. And when you think that folklore has preserved so many sublimated forms of initiating the young woman!
The old custom of parents integrated into modern life? “But in sexual life?” To this question, the subjects whose mother had told them something, very vaguely, are extremely few. On the other hand, by escalating the issues and affirmations, we read between the lines, books and answers that are edifying: “My mother told me” (A.A.); “I read by myself, I find out” (M.M.); “Self-instruction” (H.C.); “Hearing on the street” (L.F.); “I don’t think it’s necessary.” (I.F.)
Illustrations by Ligia Macovei
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1969, WOMAN
Categories of Men
Precisely, the male population would have been divided into three large categories, in the following preferential order:
CATEGORY I: The Sensitive Ones.
Tender, delicate, attentive men, who never forget their wife’s birthday. Who does not read the newspaper at home, at the table. Who remembers that sweet words and compliments are to be said even after the engagement. Who does not consider that the “mărțișor” is a prejudice of pagan origin and that March 8 has gone out of fashion. Who does not believe that carrying a bouquet of flowers down the street (in the direction of home!) is something compromising. Who know that they must get off the tram first, in order to extend their hand and thus help their wife. Who do not believe they are the center of the universe and that everything revolves around their dazzling person…
CATEGORY II: The Household Men.
Men who know how to do the shopping — well, cheaply, and quickly. Who understands that harder work prematurely alters feminine beauty (and, consequently, they do it themselves). Who knows enough mathematics to help their sixth-grade son solve his problems for the next day. Who does not believe that the only thing worth saving money for must bear the brand “Fiat” or “Renault.” Who do not have a passion for daily soups and are content, every other day, with sunny-side-up eggs and green salad. Who brings home the paycheck envelope intact. Who repairs the iron and the television themselves. Who hates football and considers it a remnant of barbaric pleasures…
CATEGORY III: Sensitive and Household at the Same Time.
An ideal category, thus nonexistent. Summing up 99% of the — obviously futile — votes of women.
1% of the interviewed wives confessed, with a touch of self-criticism and self-irony, that in the role of men:
— they would learn the art of flattery — women believe so much in beautiful words (even if empty!);
— they would never show their weaknesses: the woman is so tempted to exploit them!
— they would always agree with her, even if only formally; the woman cares so much about having the last word.
It seems to me that this 1% is the most right. Think about it — if the men of the earth were part of the three categories above, both declared and dreamed of: don’t you think it would be a great boredom on the surface of old Terra?
SANDA FAUR
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1970, LITERARY ALMANAC
FOR A MAN, LOVE MEANS WOMAN, FOR A WOMAN, CHILD
An interview with TRAIAN HERSENI
Amiable with journalists (he respects and understands this profession, which he practiced for many years), of a profound warmth toward the younger generation, an effect of his qualities as a professor, docent doctor Traian Herseni, head of department at the Institute of Psychology of the Academy, received me in the most natural way, although pressed for time, in the “window” between two very important tasks: after an analysis session with PhD students at the Institute and before a new trip to Făgăraș, where, together with a group of collaborators, he has long been conducting a series of studies on industrial psychology.
This scholar, who deals with anthropology, psychology, sociology, the science of education, and who has generously devoted himself to research work as well as to that of a university professor, does not at all have the “pomposity” usually associated with scientists. He talks to me, with ease, about fashion, arguing that there is no tendency toward the masculinization of girls in the fact that they wear pants, and then immediately moves on to Marcuse’s theories and their influence among youth in the West.
For the 1970 Literary Almanac, I proposed to him a series of questions regarding the comparative psychology of man and woman.
CICI IORDACHE
C.I.: You once defined man and woman, through a masterful metaphor, as slopes of the same human landscape. Therefore, having an enormous number of common traits, but also infinite differences. What are these, on the psychological level?
Tr.H.: In every cultural area, there is an ideal of woman (hence: “the ideal woman”) and an ideal of man (hence: “the ideal man”), even several ideals for each, competing, which can serve, by comparison, as measurement standards and, thus, for establishing the degree of femininity and masculinity of each individual. Greco-Roman mythology, for example, promoted three fundamental types of woman: Juno (wife and mother), Venus (lover), Diana (virgin); each, with her own psychology and destiny.
Modern scientific research, undertaken from evolutionary positions, takes as a starting point the primordial biological functions of woman and man, which necessarily generate irreducible psychic differences. On the level of animal life, the role of the male is to fertilize, hence his traits of aggressiveness and dominance, while the role of the female is to give birth, hence her gentler and more peaceful traits. At the human level, these differences are sublimated and culturalized, yet some tendencies remain. Feminine psychology develops along warmer and finer lines, of sensitivity, sentimentality, imagination, whereas masculine psychology develops along colder and harder lines, of rationality, voluntarism, calculation, and thirst for power.
C.I.: What will be the future anatomy of man and woman? In some theories, a kind of unification is envisaged, reaching a single body of perfect biological structure.
Tr.H.: This is the old Hellenic ideal of the androgynous, but I do not believe we are moving in such a developmental direction, unless one day we arrive at human “incubators” that make gestation useless. The differences between a woman’s body and a man’s body have very deep biological roots, which have not yet disappeared and do not tend to disappear. It is simpler to accept the differences and aim for a perfection of “branch,” for beautiful women’s bodies and beautiful men’s bodies. Beauty is polymorphic. There is a beauty of the curved line, of roundness, of the oval, of undulation, and a beauty of the straight line, of angles, of cubes, of mass, just as there is a beauty of grace and another of strength. Human bodies can develop in different directions, yet they can be very beautiful, up to perfection, depending on their respective canons. The achievement depends mostly on us, on the development, spread, and application of physical culture and on its spiritualization through the essential elements of civilization.
C.I.: Were the ephebes of ancient Greece an error of the biological flow or the exceptions that will confirm the rule of a future biological structure?
Tr.H.: Perhaps neither. The ephebes were the product of the stadiums and the Olympics, as well as the product of the plastic arts that idealized them and transmitted their image in immortal forms to posterity. Personally, I think there is something else: the ethical factor. The beauty of the ephebes comes not only from the quasi-musical harmony of the body, but also from the deeper harmony of the spirit; it was a virginal beauty, an expression of civic purity, of inner calm, of metaphysical certainty.
C.I.: Is man a biologically closed being?
Tr.H.: At an equal degree of biological fecundity, man is more available than woman for other activities than the primordial ones. Man’s biological function is sporadic and ephemeral, whereas for woman it means maternity. However, man is not a biologically closed being either, only that he is open exclusively toward woman, while woman is open toward man as toward a simple means, while being completely open toward the child as toward a supreme goal. For man, love means woman; for woman, child. The difference is existential: from this special point of view, man is infinitely more selfish and superficial than woman, because he seeks only the pleasure of having, whereas woman has the capacity to surpass herself, to exist not only “in herself and for herself,” but also through another and for another, who is in a way her fruit or offspring. Of course, woman bears fruit through man, but this fact does not change the situation. On the level of life, of natural existence, only woman is fruitful.
C.I.: The contemporary woman tends to equal herself with man, rivaling his performances. What explanation do you give, as a sociologist and psychologist, for this tendency?
Tr.H.: The phenomenon is strictly historical. There were times when things happened exactly the opposite way. You have heard, of course, of the custom of “couvade,” found among some less developed peoples, which required men to lie in bed and simulate labor pains, while their wives were actually giving birth. Moreover, most of the performances to which you refer are not by their essence masculine, but simply human. It is the right of women to claim them, since they have been unjustly removed from their domain. The great social and cultural activities are open equally to all people. They belong to people, not to sexes.
C.I.: A perpetual alert between the two human poles is mutual knowledge, penetration into spiritual and emotional intimacy, reaching the “ineffable,” the intangible. What is the stimulus of this situation?
Tr.H.: The need for wholeness. When you are a part, you cannot fully realize yourself, you cannot become yourself except with the participation of the other part. Neither woman nor man can become a complete person except through each other, that is, together. They seek each other because they complete each other.
C.I.: Connected to this question, we would ask another, referring to the great problem of contemporary man, which art has been trying for decades to solve: “communicability” man–man, woman–man. Is it possible? What factors condition it?
Tr.H.: Ultimately, only the rational (logical) elements of our being are communicable. Everything outside consciousness and reason, everything that belongs to the domain of the unconscious, of the irrational or extra-rational, is incommunicable. The deeper we rationalize ourselves, the more chance we have to know ourselves and to make ourselves known. For all other aspects of our life, we have no other way to deal with them than through sympathy, love, understanding, and tolerance — human relationships that are within everyone’s reach.
C.I.: Socrates spoke of three great principles of happiness: I am happy that I am a man and not an animal; a man and not a woman; Greek and not a barbarian. Can you give us a 20th century reply?
Tr.H.: I am happy that I do not live in a historical era in which I would be forced to think, in this respect, like Socrates, who remains, of course, one of the great thinkers of the world. For us today, it is clear that if animals had not existed, neither would humans have existed, since we descend from them. And it seems just as clear to us that if women did not exist, neither would men, the reverse statement being equally true. I do not know if I would have been happier if I had been a woman, but I know for sure that a good part of my happiness I owe to my mother, my wife, that is, to women, and I like to believe that I have also been, for them, a source of happiness. So we arrive, by different paths, at the same conclusion: woman and man together make up humanity; to be human means at the same time woman and man, in an indissoluble ontological relationship, which is our very existence or life.
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1970, LITERARY ALMANAC
Section: Automobilism
WOMAN, THE UNCROWNED QUEEN OF PRUDENCE
The number of women driving today tends to approach that of men. And, if we listen to the opinion of specialists — instructors, doctors, psychologists, experienced drivers — there is a great diversity of styles in driving. Amateurs or professionals, drivers display behavioral particularities depending on temperament and inclinations, age or gender, reflexes, or health condition.
Based on data and on the experience of specialists, we will try here to define the status of the woman driver, a category regarded with certain reservations.
SOMETHING COMPLICATED THAT NEEDS TO BE MASTERED
This is how the automobile generally appears to the one who wants to approach it. Women, the experts claim, maintain with the automobile a relationship much more subtle and complicated than men do. This situation is perhaps due to the fact that women, generally speaking, have weaker technical training, and the car retains in their eyes a certain mystery.
Despite this observation, women who learn driving, whether in schools or under the supervision of a more experienced person, almost always demonstrate a great deal of perseverance, patience, and skill.
Women also have the exceptional quality of not becoming demoralized in the face of the failures inherent to the beginning, of persevering in executing a difficult maneuver or operation until they master it correctly.
Some candidates for obtaining a driver’s license are, it is true, handicapped by a profession that has no connection with technology. Office clerks, for example, acquire the art of driving more slowly. Others, however, such as technicians, workers, women engineers, that is, women whom everyday practice has familiarized with mechanics, manage to master it relatively easily.
“OFFICIAL” DRIVER
Once she becomes the possessor of the much-coveted license, the woman proves great qualities as a driver. A first observation is that feminine psychology presents a constant particularity: the woman is less likely to fall victim to the illusion that obtaining the license is equivalent to perfect mastery of the steering wheel.
She sees passing the exam only as a stage, and this spares her many unpleasant situations, because she remains always attentive and continues to strictly respect traffic rules.
The results, in this sense, are eloquent: in proportion to their number, women are involved in a much lower percentage of road incidents than men. During the year 1968, for example, female drivers in Romania were involved in less than 2% of the total number of accidents caused by the driver’s fault.
By categories of infractions, they also hold minimum records: only 1% due to excessive speed, 0.5% due to illegal overtaking, 0.5% due to failure to yield, etc.
At the wheel, the woman firmly rejects the temptations of the god Bacchus, out of overwhelming respect for the god of the roads, even if he has not yet been named.
The French journalist Jean Yves Montagu provides us with an important remark regarding the psychology of the woman driver:
“Women totally abandon the idea of competitiveness on the road. They show a maternal care and solicitude toward the passengers they transport. On the contrary, the man, who wants to be the master of the road, tolerates with difficulty any remark regarding his excesses or mistakes.”
PROFESSIONAL DRIVER?
“In recent years, the figure of the professional woman driver has begun to become a daily presence at the wheel of trolleybuses, utility vehicles, and even buses.”
These are the words of the deputy head of the Traffic Directorate in the General Inspectorate of the Militia, Colonel Victor Beda.
Being a driver is a profession of great responsibility, in which women are asserting themselves vigorously. We must nevertheless note here a certain percentage of accidents caused by women tram drivers, either due to weak professional training or due to increased emotionality, specific to the fairer sex.
The phenomenon, however, according to specialists, has been too little studied until today and not all necessary measures have yet been taken to prevent it.
THEY ARE MORE PRUDENT, MORE SUSCEPTIBLE TO IMPROVEMENT
This statement is made by absolutely all experts in the field. And M. Trintignant, the great French automobile racing champion, declares:
“It is a fact beyond any doubt that women are more perfectible; they correct their mistakes and improve their style from one year to the next. Convinced of his superiority, the man does not accept advice. The woman, at the wheel, more or less affected by the irony of male drivers, remains permanently a pupil.”
If, in the chapter of detailed theoretical knowledge, the woman sometimes still makes blunders, she nevertheless has the merit of being, while she is behind the wheel, the uncrowned queen of prudence.
It is a mathematically verified fact that she is the one who checks if the doors are properly closed, if the road is clear, if the gasoline will be enough for the route she has planned, etc.
The same prudence advises her to avoid speeding, and she, in most cases, obediently follows this advice.
THE CONCLUSION?
Here is the opinion of psychologist M. Lucet, researcher at the National Road Safety Organization (France):
— In a way, women behave like a man older than they are. Their driving qualities are indisputable.
His authoritative opinion, we believe, marks encouraging prospects for women in this relatively new field of their activity.
And road traffic, in conclusion, will only benefit from the increasingly active presence of women at the wheel.
ELISA MADOLCIU
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1970, WOMAN
INTERNATIONAL SURVEY
THE FAMILY IS CHANGING, in what way and how far?
The historical evolution of marriage and family, the relationships between its members hold a leading place in socio-psychological research. As also appears from the international survey of Femeia Almanac, to which personalities from different countries responded, the conception of the role and function of the contemporary family appears as a wide fan with infinite aspects.
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Florica Andrei
judge at the Supreme Court of the Socialist Republic of Romania:
mentality, education, public opinion
The process of mutual knowledge is a principle of marriage. It refers first of all to the meaning of conjugal will, the formation of common habits, as an expression of certain skills, aspirations, appreciations — regarding life, man, on one hand, and on the other hand regarding work, household, family, the education of children. These aspects gain importance not only for the life of the couple as a whole but also for the evolution of a civilized society.
To achieve such a goal, it is necessary to educate young people before marriage. They must be formed with a sense of responsibility in the face of a socio-human perspective. Only in this way can full democracy within the family be achieved.
One of the moments of crisis in the family — some participants in our survey said — is the break-up of the family by immature young people. One method of preventing these break-ups is to educate youth toward a higher awareness of the idea of marriage and family. There must also be greater care in preparing young people for life. This means not only instructing them but also forming them morally, cultivating respect for the values of life, the sense of responsibility toward the problems of family life. In this regard, the educational role of press activity, literature, art, the entire spiritual life of society must be emphasized.
The fulfillment of these tasks implies achieving the principle of equality, of individual freedom, which can be a source of contradictions between spouses, especially when the woman’s beliefs are not respected. Therefore, educating the man in the same sense as educating the woman is necessary.
Professions often interrupt family life at the beginning. This means that, for a certain period, family relationships do not manifest as a factor of balance in shaping the young person’s personality.
The leadership of society, through its specialized bodies, must set as objectives the education of new men and women, with a modern vision of marriage and family. This objective must be pursued with perseverance, through effective educational means, among which the means of influencing public opinion, literature, art are particularly important. In such an education, the traditions of our people, the content of its socialist ethics, its norms of civilized coexistence, full equality between life partners must be reflected. This is how mentality, education, and public opinion must act.
KIRSTEN RUDFELD
deputy head of department in the Ministry of Labor of Denmark:
the success of a marriage depends on many factors
The family seems to be an important institution in all cultures, and I am convinced that in the future it will be the same.
But in modern society, the family no longer has a protective, economic role of consumption, but an emotional role. A marriage today is no longer “arranged,” it is usually the result of an understanding. These are the premises for the success of a marriage.
For this understanding to have practical meaning, it is struck within a particularly complex living environment. In Denmark, for example, one of the greatest problems of marriage is whether the partners are emotionally prepared for the durability of a marriage and can face moments of crisis. That is why, in Denmark, the emphasis lately has been on developing feelings of responsibility toward family life.
I would also like to emphasize in connection with this topic the role played by women in the family. In Denmark, 55% of women between the ages of 20 and 60 are salaried employees. They are also mothers and housewives (of course, they are significantly helped by their husbands and by state assistance, which can be distributed directly elsewhere).
EMILIENNE BRUNFAUT
president of the Belgian Federation of Women in Liberal and Commercial Professions:
are young people prepared to accept each other as equals?
The family environment is influenced by the rapid evolution of the world, everything constituting a fluid of norms, structures, and sanctions in which permanent social changes intervene. At the moment when young people assume the roles of husband and wife, of parents, of educators, they are no longer the only bearers of the current moral, religious, educational, and formative ideas. These young people, with different professional backgrounds, will have to resist family influence, adapt to the demands of a social life that often surpasses them, overcome traditions and forms of authority, contradictions in the social, economic, and family spheres.
The family environment plays a decisive role in shaping the new generation. It will have to develop new habits, not in the sense of norms imposed from above, but in the sense of requirements arising from a real, common, objective feeling. I believe that the family of tomorrow can only be a unit within which each will assume their own responsibilities and respect the individuality of the other.
I believe that the first test of a couple is that of accepting each other, understanding each other, living equally.
Today’s youth are the product of an era in which, in the “great” countries, sociologically marked by industrialization and the total mechanization of labor, interpersonal relationships tend to be reduced to a system of norms. In Romania, a new type of woman is clearly emerging, an active, lucid woman who looks at family relationships with lucidity and maturity.
A successful marriage requires much patience and love, joint efforts, and mutual respect. It is a relationship of participation, trust, and love, which cannot be achieved without overcoming one’s own selfishness. To succeed in family life means to know how to endure failure, to learn to suffer, to know how to ask for forgiveness and to forgive, to affirm your own personality and to accept the personality of the other. These are the premises of a successful marriage, the recipe for happiness in family life.
Women in industrialized countries are becoming increasingly independent, but this does not diminish their role in the family. An intelligent woman will never neglect this role. It is about a mutual complementarity of the spouses, based on respect and friendship. Beyond this theory, family life is full of difficulties, but it remains one of the great fundamental issues.
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1972, FLAMURA
TESTIMONIES — Supported by… the wife
One day I overheard a conversation between two — apparently — young spouses. He wanted to buy dinner service and some kitchen utensils. I watched them choosing, discussing, buying. I watched them with the pleasure with which you look at every beginning. And perhaps with the understanding of their joy, of the two of them, of the love I saw them investing, along with the money, in the desired and necessary object.
And, paradoxically, I remembered other people, other couples, whose joy does not exist, or started with beginnings of failure in the gradual and so beautiful building of the home. Of people about whom I was told with embarrassment, but also with contempt, as about shameful cases of illness — an illness of conscience, of common sense — which we, the others, can neither understand nor forgive.
One day I was discussing with some comrades from the People’s Council of the town of Bocșa about such “cases”, which we might call social. As a typical example, they considered Nicolae Guran, by profession — driver.
In a society in which the equality of women with men has become a certainty confirmed by daily practice, he, the husband, still considers himself sovereign. And, by virtue of this absolute sovereignty, he has taken the “reins” of his own marriage, sending his wife to work, while he waits — at home (or elsewhere), in the company of various equally unoccupied friends.
To look indulgently at such a case, such an interpretation of family life, is not even possible. Because, going beyond the saying “my home — my empire”, currently at least outdated, we are simply asking for the observance of generally valid social laws, the observance of the most elementary norm of the ethics of fairness. Of course, the majority of women are salaried. But not to feed an exploiting husband, but to be useful to society.
Someone might possibly reply “if she likes it…”. It is unlikely that she likes it. Much more likely is that she accepts such a sacrifice in the hope of a moral recovery of her husband, the father of her child. Much more likely she accepts it with that sad, perhaps even dramatic resignation that has replaced the joys and hopes of marriage.
Society, however, cannot accept such parasitic existences, true violators of the norms of social ethics who, we believe, should be held accountable with the same scrupulousness with which all violators are punished.
RODICA POPESCU
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1973, CONTEMPORANUL JURIDIC
Still about marriage
— Of course, because love is possessive, exclusive, because in love there is no sharing, our family is monogamous.
What else could be the meaning of the text from the Family Code: “It is forbidden for a man who is married or a woman who is married to marry”?
— You are right. The text enshrines the principle of monogamy. But this monogamy — and it is an old truth as old as the world — has not always been founded on love.
“The first class antagonism that appears in history coincides with the development of the antagonism between man and woman in the monogamous family, and the first class oppression coincides with the oppression of the female sex by the male sex,” Engels remarks, brilliantly.
Monogamy began with the monogamy of the woman. She was the one who procreated, she had to give the husband full certainty about the children brought into the world. The rightful heirs of the property being the children, no doubt had to hover over them.
The woman, the property of the man, a slave before slavery existed, killed if she was not faithful, made Solon consider her the first among slaves, and Aristotle to state that he thanked the gods that he was born a man and not a woman. The monogamous woman, the polygamous man practicing adultery openly or less openly, is still the picture of the family under capitalism.
Moreover, the law also favors him: adultery is most often punishable with much more severe penalties for women and much lighter penalties for men.
— I believe it. The “legislator” has always been a man. I have never heard anyone say “legislatrix”!
I have the impression, however, that even in our old Civil Code the conception was not significantly changed regarding the balance of power between man and woman.
— As Sofia Nădejde relates to us, in an article “Woman and the Law”, also in Contemporanul, but from 1881 (quoted by Tudor R. Popescu in his excellent “Treatise on Family Law”), in the archives of the Romanian Provisional Government from 1848 a draft law was found in which, after noting that “slavery has been abolished” and that “the most unfortunate slave until now has been the woman”, in art. 9 it was decreed: “The woman is free and equal to the man”.
The draft law, which was far ahead of its time, was never adopted, and the Civil Code, which came into force in 1865, placed the woman “under the protection of the man”. Euphemistic expression, because in fact “protection” meant total submission to the man.
Only the Constitution of 1948 enshrined full equality between the sexes and repealed numerous provisions of the Civil Code, according to which:
the father alone exercised “parental authority”,
in case of disagreement between father and mother, the father’s consent was sufficient,
the married woman had no other domicile than that of her husband,
or those regarding the dowry regime.
About bigamy and legal impediments to marriage
— Let us return to monogamy. What are the legal consequences for a married person who marries again?
— In criminal law, they commit the offense of bigamy, which is punished quite severely:
corrective imprisonment from one to five years.
In family law, this second marriage is sanctioned with absolute nullity.
— Other impediments to marriage?
— Kinship. In this respect, there is unanimous consensus.
Marriages between relatives are prohibited both for:
biological reasons (the health of children is endangered in unions between close relatives),
and moral reasons (it would negatively affect family life).
Marriage is prohibited:
between relatives in the direct line,
and in the collateral line, up to and including the fourth degree.
— That is, cousins. And yet there are marriages between cousins.
— With the special approval of the Executive Committee of the People’s Council and only for well-founded reasons.
Marriage is also prohibited:
between the adopter (or his ascendants) and the adoptee (or his descendants),
between the children of the adopter and the adoptee or his children,
between those adopted by the same person,
between the guardian and the minor under their guardianship.
All these impediments are primarily based on strong moral considerations.
Compared with bourgeois legislation
Bourgeois legislation knows more impediments to marriage than our legislation:
marriages between godparent and godchild,
between divorced spouses (who can no longer remarry),
marriage for a woman is prohibited within 300 days of the termination of the previous marriage (the so-called widowhood period),
impediments of race, color, religion.
An eminent French civil law scholar wrote in a recent treatise, with complete sincerity, that:
“It would be hypocritical not to recognize the barriers that inequalities of class or race raise to marriage.”
Obviously, everything I have told you so far is only a set of very summary data. Family law has taken them up and developed them extensively.
— I imagine. Ars longa, vita brevis, as Hippocrates said.
Sanda Ghimpu
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1973, CONTEMPORANUL JURIDIC
• — BOTH, he and she, said “yes.”
In your language, therefore, an act of will creating legal effects. And yet marriage is not considered a contract. Why?
— The reasons are many and well-founded. Of course, this “yes” is a sine qua non condition for the conclusion of the marriage. But, alongside the “yes” of the two parties, there is the role of the civil registrar before whom the marriage is concluded. Then, as a rule, a contract may contain various clauses, and the parties may, in the course of it, modify it by mutual agreement. The legal status of marriage, however, cannot be changed in any way. It is predetermined by law. Once married, the two are subject to rules that the law has set imperatively.
A contract may be terminated by the common will of the parties or, in certain situations, by the will of only one of them. In marriage, if there is no intervention of the court, which, by its decision, pronounces the dissolution of the marriage, the union between the spouses cannot be broken.
Thus, here are briefly enumerated only a few considerations that have led to the concept of defining marriage not as a convention, but as a freely consented union between a man and a woman, in which both have equal rights, for the purpose of founding a family.
— Do you have confidence in marriage?
— You are provoking me. It is said that Napoleon would have stated that if man did not have to grow old, he would never desire marriage. However, I believe that was a joke, because he himself married young and only once! Yes, I have confidence. I have confidence in marriage, but in the conception of our law.
— Clearer.
— Full equality of man and woman, family relationships based on friendship and mutual affection, on mutual moral and material support.
— And with the conception “man — head of the family,” what do we do?
— Bourgeois remnants. Moreover, it is hard for him to still be the head when he no longer represents economic power. Woman has today become a force through culture, participation in social life, as well as through the fact that her concrete contribution in marriage is equal to that of the man and — why not be objective? — often even greater. Do you know what Engels said? The supremacy of man in marriage is a simple consequence of his economic supremacy and falls away by itself along with it. Thus, an effective equality is achieved, justified by the effective participation, in all respects, of woman alongside man in this freely consented union.
— I have often heard it said: “Marriage with us has a civil character.” What is the exact legal significance of this character?
— Marriage is validly concluded before the civil registrar. Of course, nothing prevents a religious celebration of the marriage. Our Constitution enshrines the freedom to exercise religious worship, only that the religious conclusion of marriage has no relevance, no legal effect.
Moreover, the secularization of marriage, the removal of its character as a mystery, as a sacrament, took place with us long ago, with the entry into force of our old Civil Code, that is, in 1865. An astonishingly advanced conception, is it not? Think that even today there are countries where there is a right of choice between civil and religious marriage, both having the same value, and in other countries — few, it is true — marriage still has an exclusively religious character.
— And the conditions that the law imposes regarding marriage?
— They are numerous. The legislator has carefully established them in view of concluding solid marriages. We, the jurists, divide them into substantive and formal conditions of marriage.
Among the substantive conditions: a minimum age. For men — 18 years, and for women — 16 years. A maximum age, however, does not exist.
— It is never too late for happiness!
— Probably that is what the legislator thought when he did not set it.
Regarding the woman’s age, for well-founded reasons marriage at 15 may be approved. The age dispensation is granted by the Executive Committee of the County People’s Council or of the Capital in whose territory the woman has her domicile and on the basis of an opinion given by an official doctor. Among the well-founded reasons, the woman’s pregnancy is generally admitted. There may be others. The law does not enumerate them, and rightly so.
Then come, in order, the health conditions. The future spouses are obliged to inform each other of their health status, and those suffering from certain diseases are prevented from marrying. Free consent is another substantive condition of marriage. It must be current, that is, given at the time of marriage (promises of marriage have no legal value), personal, and expressed simultaneously.
— How simultaneously?
— For the marriage to be concluded, both spouses must be present. Marriage by proxy is not admitted by our law. The completely exceptional circumstances in which this rule can be derogated from only confirm the rule.
On the matter of kinship, an impediment to marriage, I will dwell more, as well as on the formal conditions. In future notes, therefore.
Sanda Ghimpu
_____________________
1973, ORIZONT
Social work, a condition of women’s emancipation
by Nicolae Stanciu
The revolutionary transition to socialism abolishes the conditions of the millennia-old inequality of women in relation to men and opens the complex process of real emancipation of women. The new historical conditions and tasks necessarily involve a new self-image of women — an image resulting from their free aspiration regarding themselves, achievable through the enhancement of freedom in the real process of self-confirmation, of attaining the model of their aspiration.
The achievement of an essential transformation in women’s self-awareness as people of a new subjectivity obviously requires the actual overcoming of any feeling of frustration and any complex of inferiority, maintained throughout previous history by economic inequality and by the shaping influence of repressive morals. The transition to socialism does not mean the automatic removal from people’s consciousness — men’s and women’s — of the ideas and feelings whose object is the supposed inferiority of women compared to men in terms of their capacity to carry out valuable and diverse social activities.
It is about the skeptical opinion, the lack of confidence in the strength, the capacity of women — despite some contrary sensory evidence; it is the attenuated manifestation of the bourgeois position of denying the social status and role of women. The “basic” argument brought in support of this opposition is the absence of a valuable historical role of women both economically and spiritually. Although largely correct, this observation eludes the essential: the absence or sporadic presence of women in various sectors of social activity is due to men, who have reduced the sphere of women’s concerns to household chores, repressing more or less brutally any desire of theirs to assert themselves in terms of social-political achievement.
As such, supporting this argument means the absence of a Marxist understanding of the historical situation of women or, otherwise, the presence of profound hypocrisy. I tend to believe that often the presence in skeptical form of the prejudice of women’s inferiority is due to convenience — whether in men or in women. Thus, in the current conditions of women’s affirmation on all levels of social activity, men who are not willing to make an effort of self-improvement find themselves outvalued either by their wives or by female colleagues at work. Instead of a constant concern for self-surpassing, they resort to prejudice to intoxicate their self-esteem, a product of the prejudice of male superiority and of the competitive view of the relationship between women and men.
When the skeptical attitude is found in women, it seems that it is based either on the absence of strength, of confidence in their own abilities, of principled perseverance, or on the convenience that leads them into a clear moral and even economic dependence on the husband — an intimate and anachronistic presence of parasitism and lack of personality.
Reservations in recognizing equal capacity are sometimes argued with the help of differences discovered between them by the sciences. It is known that biology and psychology have objectively reached the conclusion of the existence of differences in terms of physical effort capacity, in the relationship between thinking and affectivity, etc., between women and men. These results have been exploited by some in favor of men. In the subtext is the mechanistic idea that equality between men and women would be justified only when all activities carried out by men would be performed to the same parameters by women, forgetting, of course, the reverse relationship. In other words, the woman should adopt the man’s vision of life, to copy him.
In conditions of sensory certainty of women’s work potential, of their increasingly full affirmation in the process of building socialist society, such opinions and attitudes are a serious impediment to women’s emancipation, to the rapid achievement of social progress, thus requiring an uncompromising critical attitude toward them and toward any negative opinions or attitudes regarding women’s social status and role.
As Engels emphasized: “the first precondition for the liberation of women is for the whole female sex to return to social work.” It is clear that, in order to overcome the formal, limited character of women’s emancipation in bourgeois society, “the whole female sex” must integrate into social, economic, political, cultural activity.
As such, the increasingly full integration of women into the sustained effort of the people signifies the real possibility of manifesting their capacities for creating and transmitting socialist material and spiritual values, of their role as subjects of the self-construction of their personality. The return of the whole female sex to social work in its various forms is an objective necessity in socialism; the construction of high socialist social and moral objectives is only possible through the uniting of the energies of the entire people into a single torrent, through the demand for the exercise of the attitudes and capacities of each individual, of their continuous improvement, through the equal assumption of responsibility by men and women for the future of the country.
One of the premises of utmost importance for women’s participation in social life is the inclusion in our country’s Constitution, at the head of the fundamental rights of citizens, of the principle of equality of rights in all areas of economic, political, legal, social, and cultural life, without discrimination of sex, nationality, race, or religion. Unlike bourgeois constitutions, which record the principle of equality of rights and respectively the equality of rights of men and women, our socialist Constitution stipulates that the state guarantees this equality of rights, allowing no restriction of rights under penalty of law. Equality of rights between women and men does not remain a mere expression as in bourgeois law, since the socialist state creates the material guarantees for the exercise of rights. Our Party has considered the emancipation of women as one of the important objectives of the struggle for the abolition of the exploitation of man by man, for the attainment of the social ideal and communist ethics.
The Plenary of the Central Committee of the Romanian Communist Party of June 18–19, 1973 reaffirms the high appreciation that our Party gives to the considerable contribution of women to the progressive evolution of our country, to their role in raising and educating children, in forming and developing the youth in the spirit of the principles of communist ethics and fairness, of socialist dignity and patriotism. The Plenary emphasized the various measures taken recently to facilitate the harmonious combination in women’s lives of the role of mother, educator, wife with participation in economic, social, political, and cultural life.
The decision of the Plenary includes tasks for all bodies and organizations that make up the system of democracy in our country for the mobilization and organization of the effective participation of women in the country’s progress, in accordance with the place and objective importance of women in our society. The achievement of the objectives of the Plenary decision of June 18–19, 1973 will lead to an increase in women’s contribution to fulfilling the complex tasks of the multilaterally developed socialist society, to the economic, scientific, and cultural development and leadership, to the political life of our country, to ensuring the necessary conditions for the multifaceted manifestation of women’s creative forces, to a new stage of their general emancipation, to raising the entire people to new heights of living standards and civilization.
NICOLAE STANCIU
1974, FEMEIA
Love in Marriage
Conversation between psychologists Geta Dan Spânoiu and Prof. Dr. Decent C. I. Botez
— I propose, comrade professor, to leave aside, of course for the moment, the psychology of work.
On this ground we meet more often and I know your opinions. I prefer a more delicate subject for a conversation between a man and a woman. And precisely because it is delicate, we should not, I say, avoid it either in discussions or in psychological studies.
— Do you agree with what Elwin Toffler says, that rapid changes in contemporary society increasingly alter the feelings between spouses, and hence a greater number of divorces?
— I do not agree, because the feeling of love expresses a human essence, which springs from a splendid bundle of complementary needs, generating, in turn, feelings of tenderness, warmth of soul, devotion…
— I believe that the mistake made by the ultra-rationalists of the future stems from the fact that they try to explain man and all the coordinates of his life through a single principle, that of technologization.
— I do not deny what Eulah Laucks says in an article of hers, namely that the impact of technology is cumulative, being felt even in the family — this traditional framework of humanization and civilization. I believe, however, that she is not right when she says that nowhere is this dislocation more pronounced than in the family, a fact which has led to the idea of a marriage crisis.
— Let us not be frightened by ideas that are proclaimed as new or subversive. The idea of a marriage crisis is not new. It was known in the Middle Ages, when two moralities clashed — the Christian one, which considered the family sacred, and the chivalric, pagan one…
— Speaking of the latter, we must inevitably think of Tristan and Isolde, right?
— Exactly, because their story is a symbol of the recognition of love.
— But the two heroes love each other with a consuming passion outside the family, thus deceiving themselves with the illusion of freedom and the fullness of love, and precisely for this reason the end is tragic.
— Therefore, allow me to complete your thought. We notice the same thing if we look in the rearview mirror of time somewhat later. In bourgeois society, a similar reaction appeared. Influenced by the cultural environment, by literature and art, the youth built the idea “aimer c’est vivre” (“to love means to live”) as a reaction to mercantile marriage and the resulting boredom.
— You mean to say that we are faced with both a truth and an exaggeration at the same time?
— Exactly. It is a truth if we think of the reconsideration of the feeling of love, and an exaggeration regarding its autonomy outside marriage.
— Probably if a series of conditions had appeared, such as the independence of women, their equality with men, detachment from religious concepts, hypothetically speaking, we would also have encountered the idea of temporary marriage, which some specialists talk about today?
— Very possible, because, in fact, the reactions against the family, to which we referred above, are neither accidental nor simply a symptom of the disappearance of the family — this framework which for millennia has proven its usefulness. They are, rather, a riposte to the lag of the family compared to the changes that have taken place in society. We can also speak, in the case of the emotional basis of the family, of a confusion of ideas and feelings at the level of the persons concerned. Such states are characteristic of the stages of rapid implantation of new ideas, new values.
— Could it be that the love in the novel and film “Love Story” also fits into this context?
— Of course. It is a reaction to the love generally characteristic of today’s young people. Today’s young people have all the conditions to know love in all its fullness, without all the limitations and obstacles stemming from class, family, or wealth prejudices. All dramas, passionate dramas, starting with Romeo and Juliet, present the tragic conflict between love and the obstacles that oppose it: the prejudices of outdated institutions. Today all these barriers no longer exist and love can be perfected in marriage, reaching that fullness of personality and life which bears the name of happiness.
— I believe that nowhere, in the literature of our days, does this happiness emerge more clearly than from the marriage act in “Love Story”, which is truly a profound agreement between the two young people. And now let us move on to the much-discussed problem of adapting the structure and lifestyle of the family to the structure and lifestyle of society, so that it can preserve all its virtues. This is about creating new mentalities regarding the position, role, and potential available to each member of the family couple. This is about, ultimately, balancing the multiple planes of family life, and in such a way as not to compromise the most intimate one, which belongs to them, and upon which a truly happy home is built: the feeling of love.
— Completely agree! But let us not deceive ourselves that it is so easy…
— Who said it was easy? Do not forget that I have, besides a profession, a family. Each of us tries for a balance, we succeed better or less well, most of the time or sometimes, totally or partially, but only this way can we advance. Not even the simplest arithmetic problem is solved head-on.
— Is it an indiscretion if I reveal that you suggested to your husband to go alone to the show because you had an article to write?
— Not at all. He gave me the same recommendation one day when he wanted to go to a football match. Full agreement, no?!
— You see, here is the problem! It depends on each one how they know to direct their conduct in order to respect the other.
— Curious. You are a man and, from what I see, you do not evolve in the sense of Al. Mirodan’s idea, who, in the magazine “Femeia”, in the column “A Man and a Woman”, said that the woman decides whether a marriage succeeds or not.
— In terms of decision and success of marriage I could not say that I contradict Al. Mirodan, but neither that I agree with him.
— Strategy?
— Not at all! First of all, it is an illusion to believe that rational decisions regarding affective relationships in marriage are decisive. The factors that come into play are countless.
— A French psychologist says that love is such a complicated feeling that you must rather be a poet to describe it. In reality, it is a true construction of affective life in the family, and if it is not maintained, it falls apart. Only one thing is observed: marriage for love, which for great-grandparents is rather proof of weakness than of moral depth, today has deep roots in our culture. Love becomes, from a peripheral interest (to be created after the legalization of the family), a primary justification of it. At the moment of marriage, love represents the very reason for life. What a pity, however, that this reason is no longer maintained afterwards, through the conduct of the two spouses. The same as at the beginning, you still meet them after some time, as if paraphrasing B. Croce, lamenting that “the family is the tomb of love.” I would think that it is a reversed logic of reality in these lamentations. Perhaps it would be more correct to say that “the lack of love is the tomb of the family.”
Marriages that have reached this moment of despair are victims of several confusions. First of all, it seems that the two members of the couple set out having quite easily deceived themselves, and thus they took a simple desire for love as a feeling that would support a much more serious, lasting construction: the case of those who decide in great haste to marry.
— But you mentioned several confusions?
— If we were to list them all, we would have to write a volume. But let us try to put a dot on the i. Why should we so easily overlook the fact that marriage is based on elements of sexual, affective, intellectual, motivational behavior? Whether people are aware of their existence or not, these act. That is why a feeling of love must be maintained, not easily replaced.
MARRIAGE CUSTOMS OF DIFFERENT PEOPLES
AZTECS. The young man says goodbye, in a ceremony, to other young people of his age. On this occasion, the elders who took care of his education are given as a gift an obsidian axe and are asked for permission for him to marry. At the wedding, the young bride and groom are seated on a carpet and given symbolic gifts. Girls receive men’s clothing, while boys receive women’s clothing. The man’s cloak is sewn to the girl’s shirt, a symbol of the bond between the two. Then food is brought to them on plates and they serve each other.
ESKIMOS. Their marriage is arranged by the parents, who take into account the strengthening of friendship relations. The wedding takes place only when the man can support a family. He buys the girl with various gifts and brings her to his village, obligatorily taking with her an oil lamp, stone pots, and sewing tools. If they do not get along, they part very easily.
MATO GROSSO. Boys marry after giving proof of courage and skill. To be accepted as a husband, the young man brings his chosen one a piece of game. If she prepares it, it means she likes him. To test his courage, he is placed in a pool in which there is a ferocious fish, which he must catch. In this case he is accepted. If he dies, another young man tries his luck. Another test consists in clearing a piece of jungle, which he must cultivate by hand. Only when the land yields crops can he marry.
GUINEA AND SENEGAL. The engagement of the young couple must be approved by the boy’s and girl’s parents. Sometimes the engagement is made when the girl is 4–5 years old, but when she reaches marriageable age, this is not done without her consent. In the meantime, the young man gives gifts to the parents and the girl. If the girl wears the gifts received, the young man sends the in-laws a new gift: a capon and a black chicken. The wedding is held during periods related to agricultural work and is conditioned by obtaining a plot of cultivable land. The wedding takes place only on a Monday, Wednesday, or Friday.
__________
1977, PARENTS’ ALMANAC
SPIRITUAL CORRESPONDENCE BETWEEN SPOUSES
Report-investigation by Dincă Soare
From daily reality we glean at every step concerns such as these: How can we harmonize our interests and tastes, when I work at the hospital, operate on people, tremble for their lives, and my wife works in an office? What can I talk about with my husband, when he comes home tired from the factory and is not in the mood to talk, and I am bored with household chores, with the children? Can we talk about books we’ve read or art, when neither of us has time for that? I read something now and then, but when to discuss what was read, and with whom?
Comrade Ștefania Anastasiu, who ended up in a factory because between the profession of dentist and the imperative need for work in the system of the tools of labor the latter proved stronger, recalls important moments of learning from her own family, about balance. It allowed her to achieve full trust in married life. “It is important,” she says, “that communication of ideas, tastes, and convictions should become especially a daily habit. That is, we should no longer neglect to talk, to ask each other questions, to give opinions, to listen. My husband believes that intelligent people must talk a lot to each other, not allow themselves to be overwhelmed by daily work and not lose emotional contact with each other. In this way we support each other and work with more energy. And if necessary, I gave up certain things that bored me and did not interest him either. Or vice versa.”
In turn, comrade Professor Nicolae Saftu from a high school in Pitești stated: “It is encouraging that my wife and I have always found a common point. We talk a lot. Sometimes in disagreement, but with the sincere desire to clarify things. This is why no major conflicts have appeared in our life. I believe that a real friendship between spouses is needed and, at the same time, affection based on sincerity.”
In the same spirit, Mr. I.M. Pan, economist, told us: “In the family we do not censor ourselves. We speak openly about our profession and about all fields of common interest. We like to give each other advice, we consult each other, and we decide together on any decision. We are also united by a common passion: reading. We very much like to discuss what we read.”
The same conclusion is reached by spouses who work in the same place. Here is what comrade Valentin, in one of the country’s major industrial centers, told us: “My wife and I complement each other perfectly. We work in the same workshop, but on different lines. When we meet during breaks, we exchange ideas, help each other, encourage each other. When we go home, we always have something to say to each other. We tell each other things, we laugh together. I believe that this harmony is precisely the secret of our happiness.”
To this observation, comrade Alexandru Stănescu, turner, adds: “I believe that two people who unite their destiny for life, through strong feelings and not out of obligation, have the duty to communicate constantly. Only in this way can the warmth of the relationship and the education of their children be maintained.”
In the same spirit, comrade Ștefan Ioniță, pensioner: “It is important for spouses to try to understand each other, not to isolate themselves from each other. To stimulate their taste for work and life through advice, encouragement, but especially through sincerity. In the family there must be both understanding and encouragement, otherwise fatigue and routine can overshadow the peace of the home.”
There are, however, marriages like a chaos, where the great speed of the social order makes life confused, feverish, fleeting pleasures lasting only an hour’s pause, bland luxury not completing the false idea of abundance, the domination of the man being confused with manliness, the woman is “decorative,” and love burns out to exhaustion. If both spouses are united in this logical boil, they take root together and grow chaotically (apparently, a community without marriage), but if they fade separately, they also decline spiritually.
A few years ago I met two elderly people who, despite the many and hard years in the factory, led a quiet but disciplined life, out of friendship, out of respect for each other. They no longer had the sweet words of the beginning, but the way they looked at each other, how they sought each other’s eyes, how they smiled or kept silent, was living proof of an understanding that had passed over all the routine of a life of work. One day, he told me: “After all our loved ones were gone and we were left alone, I understood that happiness does not come by chance, but is built little by little, over time, with wisdom, with patience and love.”
Comrade Valentina Panduru, electronic engineer, believes that “family life involves adaptation, understanding and sharing of feelings, decisions, aspirations. It does not mean that the woman must give up personality, critical thinking, but she must learn to share everything she feels and in return receive sincere affection.”
Thinking about my own experience, I would say that the common path traveled step by step together, with the aspiration for the perfection of the spiritual self of each of the two spouses, always brings them together, in their common action to shape integral, sensitive characters with the same desire for perfection in their children. I consider this the essential element that unites two spouses in their common struggle to ensure the stability of their family, in achieving that harmony absolutely necessary, in a healthy moral climate of a modern family.
We also addressed these issues to student Petrescu Teodor, in the third year of the Faculty of Psychology, who has been married for about a year and has a seven-month-old daughter. He considered that a condition of spiritual correspondence between husband and wife is by no means the equal level of education and culture or similar professions. Two spouses may correspond in this respect and yet not have the same views, appreciations, which can lead to misunderstandings. So, it is another factor that determines harmony in the home, namely the affective one. No matter how much attraction one feels for the culture of another person of the opposite sex, if an affective factor does not intervene, a lasting relationship cannot be achieved.
However, spiritual differences can also lead to complexes of inferiority, sometimes harmful to marriage. A husband with complexes of inferiority, for example, becomes unbearable. For the wife.
There are also people who repel you by showing too much of their intelligence, especially with the obvious aim of putting others in a position of inferiority. A truly intelligent person hides their superiority. This is very annoying. I say it sincerely, I have been thinking about this for a long time. I would say that a deeper understanding between the sexes is necessary, especially of the woman towards the man. Many women are intelligent, understand and accept this, especially when it comes to a series of things related to their behavior, manners, attitude in the family, in society or in other places where it is simple, but essential, the fact that they confuse equal rights with a superiority they sometimes attribute to themselves without foundation. It is necessary to differentiate between these and those specific to femininity.
These are serious shortcomings in education. I believe, therefore, that they should benefit from proper training, starting from school and family. There should be a permanent spiritual education, which should shape the soul of children in the spirit of a balanced relationship between the sexes, based on mutual trust, respect and concerns for self-determination.
________________
1977, CUVÎNTUL NOU
Small Legal Dictionary
PROPERTY OF SPOUSES
According to the Family Code, spouses have, in marriage, two categories of property: common property and personal property, each category having a special legal regime, strictly regulated by law in terms of acquisition, use, alienation and enforcement.
Thus, according to Article 30 of the Family Code, common property is that acquired by either spouse during the marriage. It is, therefore, irrelevant whether it is acquired through joint or separate work, or whether in the act of acquisition only one of the spouses is mentioned, it being sufficient that its acquisition takes place during the marriage.
Since common property is intended to support the burdens of marriage, the spouses have over it a right of joint ownership, not by shares, and the right of each of them over it cannot be established, nor can common property be divided according to this right, except upon dissolution of the marriage, or, exceptionally, for good reason during the marriage, according to Article 36, paragraph II. The division is made in relation to the contribution of each spouse, taking into account, in this respect, the wife’s contribution to raising the children and managing household affairs, which in practice has usually led to the division of property equally.
As long as the property is not divided, the spouses may each, even separately, carry out acts of administration and use, but when it comes to land or buildings, neither spouse may conclude acts of alienation without the express consent of the other spouse.
Common property may generally be pursued only for common debts or expenses, incurred in connection with the ordinary needs of the marriage.
By exception to the above, certain property is, according to Article 31 of the Family Code, the personal property of the spouses, namely: property acquired before marriage, that acquired during marriage by inheritance, bequest or donation, personal use items and those intended for the exercise of a profession, property acquired as a prize or reward, compensation paid for damage caused to the person, and the value that represents and replaces a personal property or the property into which this value has been converted.
In relation to personal property, the spouses may each carry out acts of administration, use and disposition alone, without needing the consent of the other spouse.
The status of common property is presumed by law, and the status of personal property must be proven.
(V. M.)
___________
SOCIAL, EDUCATIONAL AND POLITICAL REQUIREMENTS OF THE FAMILY
Maria Bobu, member of the Bureau
of the National Council of Women
Throughout its millennial existence in the ancestral hearth, the Romanian people have accumulated and passed on, like jewels of great value, moral traditions with an intense force of influence. The family has proved to be the cradle in which the sons of this land have learned the uplifting love of the homeland, the passionate defense of freedom and social justice, respect for work, honesty, sincerity, courage and passion for dignity.
Today, in the conditions of building socialist society aimed at communism, the Romanian family has a true and real historical mission. The Party, personally comrade Nicolae Ceaușescu, general secretary of the Party, president of the republic, attaches high value to the family, the basic nucleus of society — to the woman-mother, to the role she has in raising and educating children, in the continuous development of our socialist nation. The Program of the Romanian Communist Party, the fundamental Charter of our society, enshrines the high position of the family, of the woman in the structure of the new family relations of social principles, family of equality, respect, affection and mutual trust between spouses.
The contemporary family benefits from the great economic, social and political transformations of socialism. The development of the technical-material base, the consolidation and improvement of the new relations of production, of socialist property, the continuous raising of material and spiritual well-being, the new consciousness of the people, the changes made in legislation and morals are the objective premises of inevitable transformations of the family. Being a social phenomenon, the family undergoes a permanent evolution in its structure and functions, in the character of family ties, in the relationship between the material-economic side and the spiritual side of the family’s life and activity. Hence the importance of placing the family, as a basic social entity, on the straight line of evolution and fulfillment of socialist and communist society, of increasing its educational and political role in the communist becoming of the homeland.
Raising to a higher level the old Romanian traditions of strong families with many children, in our country the family is surrounded with material and moral support — paid maternity leave, reduced working hours during breastfeeding, free medical care, the continuous growth of the network of nurseries and kindergartens, the development of social services that relieve the family of many household chores of the past. All these and many others are an integral part of the actions undertaken by the Party to raise the material and spiritual standard of living of the masses. Another measure of the Party leadership in connection with the increase of the real income of the people is included in the five-year plan 1976–1980, the increase of the state allowance for children by an average of 30 percent, aid granted to mothers with several children which will amount, according to previous provisions, to six times — representing a new expression of the Party’s care for raising the people’s well-being, for supporting the family.
All measures and provisions concerning the raising of the standard of living, the increase of incomes, social assistance, etc., are intended to create ever better conditions for the care and education of children, for the multilateral formation of the young generation.
The modernization of socio-economic life, urbanization, the increased social mobility of the family, the changes in its structure and functions, its improvement as such — all these make it so that alongside other changes it does not lose its role, but that the educational-socializing function of the family gains new proportions and values. Socialism has eliminated the contradictions between the family and the child’s education, the ideal of life and individual fulfillment being a component of the social ideal; the tasks of the family are built into the desiderata of the society’s educational process. Parents have increased responsibilities on two levels, with double interference: on the one hand — within education, on the other — in the process of forming a new person with a moral, political and spiritual profile — at the same time learning and becoming educators, they also exercise their role as educators of their own children.
Nicolae Ceaușescu, addressing the pioneers and educators — not because the role of the family in educating children is placed on the last plane, but on the contrary, on the first, and because he addresses all parents with the call to give more attention, more care to the education and upbringing of the children of our homeland. Each parent, taking care of their own children, must also take care of other children who need the support and education of all. In this sense, in 1976 the “National Commission for Family and Children” was established — a new consultative body of the Central Committee of the Romanian Communist Party, which, through its activity and decisions, responds directly to the new, fundamental requirements of socialist society.
The Program of the Romanian Communist Party, which has its deep roots in the reality of our life, confirmed at the highest level through the new family relations of socialist principles, based on equality, respect, affection and mutual trust between spouses.
In this spirit and under the permanent guidance of comrade Elena Ceaușescu have acted also the women’s committees and commissions which have organized, in collaboration with other educational factors, large-scale political-educational actions among the masses of women, considering that in socialism the family represents that social unit with the longest duration of educational influence. In the same sense sustained actions have been undertaken by the National Council of Women and the committees and commissions of women organized in different branches of activity and especially women in education. They have focused on educational actions targeting the family, the education of children, strengthening family unity, and that of the young generation. These have also been supported by the UTC organizations and by the trade unions which support the efforts of all women and of the family and support the integration of this activity into the requirements of social life.
In the Romanian family there has always existed the cult for work, for fulfilling destiny through honest work, the parents’ conceptions about work and life leaving a decisive imprint on the children.
______________________
1978, WOMAN
WOMAN’S TIME IN THE MODERN FAMILY
A woman’s free time? Indeed, what is that free time under the conditions in which both wife and husband work, and once the woman returns home she is awaited by household chores? Naturally, we ask ourselves this question when there are children to raise and educate, homework to guide, and obviously, time for social duties?
Then the woman must also, like the man, improve herself professionally? Then the woman must also, like the man, improve herself professionally? Then the woman must work according to a strict schedule, based on an agreement to share tasks, both in production, in the family, and in daily social activity.
Starting in 1978, the first stage of implementing the reduced work week will be undertaken, covering branches and sectors where a significant number of women work, and thus considerably increasing the amount of time available to the woman. However, the most important remains the organization of the woman’s time within the family, which is a current issue in the modern family.
So what is this free time and what do we know to do with it?
A DELIMITATION IS REQUIRED
Lucreția Sabău
technician at the Timișoara Textile enterprise, secretary of the factory’s party committee, delegate to the Great National Assembly
— Why do you call it free time? I wouldn’t call it that. It creates, in our modern mind, confusion. Look, I would agree to call it available time, woman’s time available outside of work, outside of duties towards children and towards her husband.
— Why should we separate them? No one said that the man in the family should not participate in all the duties, but the woman also has a work status.
— But also at the workplace?
— That is why family matters still attract most of the effort to women. Perhaps from here comes the idea of delimitation. Perhaps in the instructions for sharing tasks the level of awareness will be raised, to manifest socially. All these require, beyond ideal and effort, time. The socialist order has achieved a series of radical transformations in the condition of the woman, a condition that has also left its mark on the specifics of the family. But not everything is accomplished: if we do not reach a delimitation, regardless of the changes produced in the family, the woman will see herself divided into several places and will concentrate in a kind of old pattern: working woman, mother, wife, housekeeper, militant. Does it consume more or less time? Things can no longer be separated. They must remain a unitary whole, with educational tasks and household duties. Then regarding the home and the living space — conditions also intervene here. In our case it is a great help: the kindergarten where you know your child is supervised. Then medical assistance, cooperation within decent limits, good teammates at work.
— They hardly exist!
— They must be created. I will now refer not to what is, but to what should be inside the family, within a cleaner climate, in a climate of enterprise and family neighborhood. I mean a program that also includes clearing the road of myths regarding the role of women.
— Shortening the road between conception and reality is not done only on the basis of the disposition to remove a habit, an attitude. Strengthening cooperation by the enterprise and workplace is required. Not only at home. The woman’s available time must be rethought as a whole, of the family, of each social unit.
Then there is also the problem of bringing the family closer to the neighborhood, to work, to the enterprise, to the association. Then there is also the problem of bringing the family closer to the neighborhood, to work, to the enterprise, to the association. Perhaps that is why, within neighborhoods, there is a need for: libraries, sports halls. Likewise, within the enterprise, activities must be organized according to the woman’s real time. I know the photos from Timișoara are proof of this progress. Such facilities create an extremely valuable available time budget for the woman.
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1979, SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY
SEXUALITY, MARRIAGE AND FAMILY (XXXIII)
The psychogenic etiology of male sexual insufficiency is much more frequently encountered than the organic causality, both in the case of primary sexual impotence and in cases of secondary sexual impotence.
Although not exclusively, nevertheless to a large extent, psychogenic secondary sexual impotence is marital or selective impotence (towards a certain constant partner), the role of the partner in the genesis of some psychogenic male sexual deficiencies and, consequently, in the therapy of these disorders, appearing to us as primordial (Robert and Claire Gellman — 1975).
We will refer to two categories of psychogenic secondary sexual impotence: the psychic reactive category and the neurotic category, the difference between these two categories consisting in the particularities of the determining causal factors and in the preexisting psychic background.
Psychic reactive secondary sexual impotence obligatorily involves one or more psychic traumatic factors, grafted on a somatopsychic background, in which certain particularities can be admitted, one of the manifestations being sexual behavioral deficit. Although normally we refer to male subjects with sexual behavior within normal physiological limits, we must admit the existence of some favoring somatic and psychic traits, belonging either to the individual structural type, to certain neuro-psycho-endocrine particularities, or to various exogenous factors, recorded especially in the stages of the psychosocial formation of the individual. Cases with exclusively psychogenic etiology must be understood in the sense that preexisting somatopsychic traits and environmental factors have only the value of facilitating elements for the harmful action of the determining etiological factors, with great usefulness in understanding the process of alteration of sexual dynamics, as well as in formulating the prognosis and drawing up the appropriate therapeutic scheme.
Without detailing the problem of this complex exogenous factorality, we draw attention to the quality of the marital couple, the relationships between partners, the type of marital life, the particularities of the couple’s sexual dynamics. These are aspects of great importance that must not be neglected in a sexological exploration of the couple, given the multitude of incriminable psychic traumatic factors. The psychic traumatic factorality must most often be identified in the field of the couple’s partner relationships, not necessarily related to the specifics of the sexual dialogue between the two partners, but concerning the partner’s attitude and behavior towards the husband, his way of integration and reactivity to traumatogenic factors.
Without claiming to offer a complete “list” of these possible intramarital traumas or microtraumas, we mention: marital conflicts without sexual character, with various but repeated motives, which can appear in maladapted (sometimes adapted) couples, altering marital harmony, progressively dissociating the couple; marital conflicts with sexual character, occurring in apparently adapted couples, with a couple’s sexual stereotype within normal limits, but with partners having structural type discrepancies; another grouping, very frequent in practice, refers to microtraumatic psychic incidents concerning the ambiance of the sexual act or the marital ambiance of the couple (the possible inhibitory factors being multiple, related to the partner’s bearing and attitudes, her behavior, the environmental framework, etc.).
The trauma or traumas are followed by a psychic reaction of frustration, depression, hostility, disaffection, etc., the inhibition of sexual behavior being motivated under these conditions. Sexual inhibition that appears following the traumatic inciting factor initially generates an erectile failure, then, by reliving the state of disappointment, wounded pride, frustration, leading to decreased libido, loss of capacity for favorable reception of erotic stimuli, etc. Hence the repetition of some erectile inhibitions, expressed either by inability to achieve erection, or by insufficient or unstable erection, by inability to copulate or unsatisfactory copulation.
We draw attention that the pathogenic pathway presented constitutes only one of the possibilities, given that there are countless other types of factual situations, among which we list: non-repeated trauma, major erectile failure, with persistent factual impact, equivalent to an anxiety, any attempt at sexual relations with the partner being ineffective, whether or not the non-sexual “relations” of the couple have meanwhile become optimal. Another type of situation (with a more serious prognosis, however) is given by couples where traumas are repeatedly recorded, where “communication” progressively fades, the impact of the first erectile failure imprinting the gradual alteration of the entire male sexual dynamics. Also, the “image” of some antagonistic mismatches between partners, increasingly strongly imprinted in the male partner, whether or not the fault belongs exclusively to him, generates — through the same neuropsychic physiopathological formula — the first sexual failure.
Although we have limited ourselves to the exclusively psychic causes of sexual deficit, we consider it necessary to mention that, besides the endogenous and exogenous factors listed, a possible pathogenic endocrine mechanism (parallel to the inhibitory psychogenic one) can be added, with negative effects on gonadotropic secretion, which adds to the effect of sexual erectile deficit.
In the category of psychogenic secondary sexual impotence we referred to, erection is especially targeted — in the sense of the difficulty of its initiation and maintenance. At the same time, we also mention ejaculation disorders, a frequent manifestation being premature ejaculation, followed by decreased libido, with dyspareunia being inevitable.
The prognosis is varied, depending on parameters related both to the male subject and to the partner, the disorder being, after all, a disorder of couple life, of communication, including sexual, between partners. The prognosis appears to us as favorable in many cases, provided there is no long-term alteration of the partners’ relationships, a remediable conflictual situation and the effective and loyal collaboration of the partner, under competent psychomedical counseling.
Therapy is both medicinal (focused on the etiology of the potency deficit, aimed at rebalancing the male subject’s neurovegetative system, general toning, etc.) and psychic (psychotherapy), aiming at disinhibitions, rapprochement of partners, adaptation or readaptation to a scheme appropriate to their psychosomatic particularities.
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1981, WOMAN
THE ROAD FOR TWO MUST BE PREPARED
We always walk alongside those we like. But why do we like them? We walk as long as we will discuss good things — we will discuss, and for the good we will not just discuss, but we will understand each other and support each other, when together we progress, there are small problems. And these are not just any problems, but new ones that must be weighed in the decision to walk alongside.
It is first a matter of self-knowledge, then also of mutual knowledge and self-adjustment, if from an emotional and moral point of view they have a common potential or complement each other, or if they can still make a good home together, so that they do not take the same road and life becomes a futile, even impossible effort.
It is also clear that, sometimes, the process of getting to know and meeting between two young people on the basis of the new unit of life has such rapidity that they do not have time to find out if they are compatible under the family name of the partner who has declared themselves “one” alongside for an entire life. At least as they intended. At the test of the contrary, and in an ever-increasing number, the disappointments… all these accelerate even more the process of constituting the new couple, especially since everything seems different before saying that fatal “Yes.”
The next day, however, everything seems different again, and the young partners hit the “upper threshold,” as they say: either they begin to see their role more gray and to feel surrounded by unforeseen aspects, or the differences between the two seem to have other possible solutions.
We often hear that young people “fall in love and get married,” but when they try to decipher what this feeling of love means to them, we are surprised to find that they say nothing beyond the word “love.” I tested this question on 600 women and was amazed when they could not decode into words the feeling with which they based their unit of life.
Haste characterizes, first of all, the girls, since they also mature faster and feel the need to take on the independence of couple life, in a society that gives them, along with their birth certificate, the right to full equality. But this equality is often felt even by those who should ensure it in fact. Thus, they perpetuate the models of choosing a partner based on criteria that do not harmonize with the principles of socialist justice and equity, considering the act of marriage more important than the principles that should underlie the constitution of a viable couple in the new unit of family life. This also comes with the idea that each of the two must be able to mold their partner after themselves. Similarity in concerns, socio-professional interests, type of family, mode of occupation to become a couple — basic units of society during the fertility period — are social realities.
This way of thinking is not happier for a young man who, more mature or less, will in such cases go through family life frustrated.
I have always been surprised by the fact that a young woman often meets a boy who fits her idea of today’s fashion, that perhaps she is barely docked in port L, but she makes no effort to think about their compatibility in nature, temperament, the conformity of their tastes and conceptions, the similarity of future outlooks or investments.
If young people a century ago did not discuss their views regarding the number of children, the brand of car, or the number of rooms in the apartment, those of today should know precisely where they will invest their work efforts and future aspirations, to what extent their professions or aspirations for spending free time complement each other, and how sincere they are regarding their opinions about gender equality and mutual respect.
Often, the behavior of men who verbally defend “poor women overworked — at work and at home —” but who have no intention of doing the same in deeds seems exaggerated — not to say hypocritical. Where are those who dispute the rare and precious free time? The partner who wants her by his side? Why should one be sacrificed and pampered in continuation when the one closest to the heart and equal to her — her partner! — complains and does nothing to create better conditions for the comfort and closeness of the other? And yet, what is preferable in a family — continuing to live together in an existing arrangement? The lack of intimacy and respect for personality, when one of the two spouses is justified, at some point, to bring about this deterioration of relations, or to account for them when there is no longer an object of reconsideration?
Of course, sometimes it is very hard to give up years of harmonious cohabitation and all the investment of affection and effort, but at least the image of that period remains intact and the hope of restoring respect for one’s own personality. Moreover, some feelings fall with the generations. If this conflict is realized by one of the partners, they can replace tension, even with self-analysis and confrontation of feelings with the best-known aspects of the human psyche. Here, knowledge and effort are needed. In many countries, and also in ours, special services have been established and organized for the protection of the couple in their life problems. Many families have thus been saved from separation. Interesting to note, from the experience of these services, is that not few have been cases of partners returning to each other — not on the principle of “de separée de facere” (with reference to oneself), but on the conviction to live together again — with preparation for understanding marriage differently.
In conclusion, I would like to emphasize my confidence that the Romanian woman, relatively speaking, in the new socio-political context, can assert herself more, both as a mother, as a wife, and as a being who shows dignity and self-respect. She must be that modern, realistic, balanced, hardworking woman who shares authority and tasks with her partner throughout their marital life. Such a distribution of authority in the family will help her rethink the way she can be called upon regarding household tasks and in terms of investment of affection towards other family members. The word “love” must be characteristic of all family members and must form that atmosphere of tenderness and gentleness that colors existence, giving it for the rest of life a special purpose. When this atmosphere is not expressed through words of love… but through the modulation of tone, it does not indicate the need to do domestic chores, but only that one must feel the other. In such a family, every moment of love lived for the partner and for the child means being hardworking and diligent, beautiful and maintaining beauty, and being the most loved by all her loved ones.
And since the basis of these fulfillments cannot rest only in words of admiration, but the spouses and children must guide each other in the spirit of this noble ideal of life and family life.
For this, it would be worth establishing schools where we learn how to live better, to learn what an ideal family life means, whose arts bring balance and harmony to the family microgroup.
VALENTINA NEGRIȚOIU
sociologist
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1984, THE PARENTS’ ALMANAC
family pedagogy
How to learn the “profession” of spouse and parent
If acquiring and practicing a profession, in general, is a programmed process and therefore controllable, learning the “profession” of spouse and parent remains, to a large extent, an aleatory one, little verifiable, and unfortunately, subject primarily to the direct influences of the family model of origin.
How parents have managed to help children evolve over time can determine the fate and chances of self-fulfillment and satisfaction for the new parents.
Conjugal happiness and parental educational efficiency is a fortunate fulfillment or has a bio-psychological and social determinism, whose understanding could help us master it?
In our opinion, the harmonious and efficient adaptation of spouses to the profession of parents is an art that is learned and acquired over time. We all deserve and must learn the science of generating in others, especially in the younger generation, the cultivation of the science and art of rational, conscious education and of harmonized affective-sexual relationships. In other words, to transform the feeling of love into an education of sex and life for an entire lifetime, educational under the sign of the good and the beautiful, of health and well-being.
Parental failure is also a conjugal failure — although not all conjugal disharmonies lead to parental failure. However, most often, the unconscious assumption of the elevated and dynamic role and mission of the parental and conjugal function, and the wrong or inappropriate sharing of family educational responsibilities, lead to disorientation, with the adolescent thus feeling confused and incapable of integrating and succeeding in life.
Treated only as a probabilistic game of existence — it is at the same time subject to systematic learning. In every era, there have been and still are successful or failed models of husband and wife. Children learn what they see from parents and how they themselves relate to knowledge and objective realities.
In education, it cannot be about chance and hazard, but about competence and the certainty of a consciously assumed path of formation.
It is necessary to introduce into the education of young people the science of human relationships, in the spirit of humanism, respect, and understanding towards oneself and others.
The ability to communicate, to form a true “psycho-erotic culture.”
The parenting skills in gaining and maintaining trust, communication, and understanding minimize the generation gap over the long process of school education that precedes the formation of one’s own family. A few pieces of knowledge in sexology can clarify some essentials in forming the future competent, healthy conjugal and parental role.
Among these, particularly important is information regarding the psychosexual characteristics of adolescents, the personality traits that lead to a lifestyle specific to femininity/motherhood and masculinity/fatherhood, and to the realization of intimacy. The psychological comfort of the individual, as well as their psychosexual identities, are essential for the further development of conduct, attitudes, and aspirations specific to the sex (boy, girl) to which they belong. This psychological comfort creates a state of security conducive to the harmonious development of personality and an optimism and clarification of one’s own goals and ideals.
Complexes of inferiority and insecurity, caused by the theft of the right to know the biological realities of sex, favor in many cases hostile-punitive attitudes (conscious or unconscious) towards the opposite sex. It is necessary for young people to adopt a “boyish” attitude of self-confidence, to attract the affection of the partner, to feel satisfied in reality or with the idea of success. Likewise, it is fundamental for boys and girls to be formed with the idea of being hardworking, to stand out through beauty, and especially through increasingly evident empathy.
And since the basis of these fulfillments cannot rest solely in school education, children must also guide each other in the spirit of an atmosphere of respect and collaboration. (…)
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1985, WOMAN
MARINA GRAF
Educate Your Husband!
(Fragment)
Are there some men and some women predisposed to give exaggerated attention to the trivialities of everyday life? This is what prompted me to set out below my philosophical concept, which greatly eases my family life. For me, it is clear that, for example, it is impossible to solve the quality of the “raw material” through an adequate method no matter how minimal.
But if there is a possibility of choice, it is preferable to have a gentle, pliable husband, whose portion of food is moderate and who is delighted to do household chores.
The kitchen gives a woman more headaches than anything else. This has been proven by studying 1,000 married men. Coming home, 999 wanted to know what there was to eat, and only one went into the kitchen to see if the soup was boiling over.
Of course, there are also ineffective people from the perspective of finding a husband among those who prefer food close to nature, especially regarding diet. At first glance, a husband who eats raw food seems convenient. Serve him a plate of green stalks (as the first course) and three well-cleaned raw carrots (as the second course) and you are free to be absent for the next three hours to get your hair done at the hairdresser’s or exchange a few words with a friend.
During that time, the husband will barely have finished chewing. However, preparing raw food requires a terribly long time. Those who are inclined to such a diet eat mainly fruits and vegetables. For certain reasons, however, they will not eat raw potatoes no matter what, and the rest of the vegetables they will want in the form of salads.
And allow me to tell you that in the time you would have spent preparing a salad, you could have finished a chicken stew with béchamel sauce.
How can you make sure that such a trivial aspect of life — food — does not undermine family happiness? Begin the action subtly and discreetly:
“You know, my dear, I read an interesting article in a magazine yesterday. It seems that very sweet things cut life in half.”
The husband, who was just enjoying pancakes with jam, will push the plate aside.
“Mice that were fed jam lost all their fur.” Your husband will involuntarily run his hand over his still decent mane of hair.
From that moment on, pancakes — which are a nuisance to cook — disappear from the menu. And so on: it’s good to guide yourself by the list of dishes more complicated to prepare than boiling macaroni. It’s hard to say how long such a campaign will take. It all depends on your husband’s appetite and mental stability.
For hypochondriacs, two or three weeks are enough, but for others it might take a good year to break their resistance.
Be patient, sooner or later the day will come when you will hear:
“You know, dear, I think we eat too much. Let’s be more moderate.”
This day (and not the wedding day!) should be celebrated every year as the beginning of a happy married life.
Of course, it’s not good to overdo it. After all, the goal is not to inspire in your husband an aversion to all kinds of food.
Such a thing would make no sense. A sick husband will no longer be able to move furniture around, wash windows and floors, paint doors and cupboards, or whitewash.
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1990, AT HOME
HOW DO YOU SEE INTIMATE LIFE?
Answer by sexologist GALINA IVANTOVA
We probably don’t yet have newspapers or magazines that write openly about intimate relationships between men and women, about the need to raise the level of sexual education. As a psychologist on sexual relations, how do you assess this sudden interest in the subject?
— To assess the current situation as accurately as possible and to draw fair conclusions, let’s remember the long-standing “taboo” on all issues related to sex. In the minds of many people, the idea persisted for a long time that sexual relations had the sole purpose of perpetuating the species and nothing more. It was therefore considered that the woman, playing a passive role, only had to contribute to satisfying the man’s physiological and sensual needs. Such an attitude towards sex is now taking great hold in our society. Sexual relations have only one meaning — they are the means by which physiological satisfaction is obtained. But the erotic world is much richer. In this sphere are intertwined, in a very tight knot, many types of human relationships such as: mutual attention, tenderness, gentleness, the art of sharing the other’s joy, of restraining selfish desires. Intimate relationships between a man and a woman are also called closeness, and this is possible only when both have the same psychological experiences, the same soulful attraction to each other.
The spirituality of sexual relations… An unusual combination of words.
— We can only regret that in our society such a point of view on these relations is entirely absent. The result — the low level of our views on sex; which leads to primitive principles. Entering into intimate relationships only for the sake of resolving some physiological releases, the man and woman naturally show an increased interest in the technique of sexual relations. If, however, these expectations are disappointed — something that happens quite often — disillusionment appears, pushing them to seek new partners. The cause is a single one — no temptation and no technique will bring satisfaction as long as sexual relations mean only physiological satisfactions, without seeing in them the peak of spiritual closeness. Even the strongest sensations can, in the end, become boring, whereas spiritual communication, nourished by profound emotional relationships, is inexhaustible.
— But how could the concept of sexual life be changed, how could we escape from the stereotype rooted in our consciousness?
— This is a long, by no means easy process, which requires patience and tact. To move forward on the right path, propaganda of sexual relations as they exist now is of no use to us. I mean those superficial articles and interviews with erotic accents that appear quite often in our press or, even worse, those reflections offered by television. And how much they generate a technical way of thinking and reduce sexual relations to the pleasure of physical closeness.
Of course, I am not against learning methods, means, and techniques of sexual play. But I have happened to hear that if a woman has no satisfaction in sexual relations, it is because of psychological immobilization. I want to emphasize that we are not talking here about sexual anomalies, but about the attitude towards sexual relations as part of the culture of human communication. Although it may not seem easy to believe, the strongest sensations can bore you over time. Only profound soulful communication can bring harmony to intimate life.
Indeed, sexologists today have changed their point of view. They no longer consider intimate relationships only as sexual acts, but as a way of communicating with the partner’s entire personality, as a form of mutual understanding on an emotional and intellectual level.
— I wonder if we aren’t rushing things, getting the maximum results in the minimum time. How is this tendency explained?
— We can, without a doubt, take something from the French, the Americans, the Indians, but I don’t think it’s worth copying them. The lack of knowledge, the attempt to mechanically transfer to our environment the experience of other civilizations cannot lead to good results.
THEN WHAT SHOULD BE DONE TO BEGIN WITH?
— There is a need for an open discussion about sexual culture. A specialized literature must be developed.
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1993, FREE YOUTH
Do young men prefer mature women?
The mature woman, accompanied by a man younger than herself, is the subject of numerous jokes and caricatures. Usually well-off financially, haunted by the fear of old age, she casts an interesting and ridiculous veil over a relationship meant to increase sexual activity. He is young, she is tired — here are many of the wrong meanings and principles. It was only about sexuality and aggressive force.
This is the power of clichés, of stereotypes. Let us state clearly: the “gigolo syndrome” is recognized as truth by all who think that men should only be attracted to women their age or younger, and women, of course the “decent” ones, should not marry men their own age or younger. This sexist stereotype is neither the first nor the last that history and society impose on us, but, as we see, it is in the process of dissolving.
Investigating the phenomenon in one of the premarital counseling offices, we found, when checking the ages of newly formed couples, a clear trend of increasing numbers of marriages in which men are younger than their future life partners. This trend has become especially pronounced in recent years. Thus, out of a number of 591 couples married in January-February 1993 in the capital, we found 58 cases in which the men were younger than their wives. The differences ranged from 2–3 years to 10–15 years. In some cases, these couples made up approximately 10 percent of the total number of marriages, therefore a significant percentage.
Let us note, then, concretely, from the discussions held, why young men are attracted to mature women. Here is the opinion of young men in two perfectly successful couples, in their own view.
“I must admit that I did not feel completely at ease at the first meeting. I was afraid I might be indifferent because of my youth. Sometimes I even thought she was making fun of me. But at the same time, I felt very good next to her. How to put it? I didn’t have to prove that I was a fantastic lover, as you often have to appear in front of young women. And, at the same time, I felt that she wasn’t making love to prove something either, as young women do. This relationship, although intimate and good, rediscovered for me, left a woman much less experienced, with much more secure relations and for whom I was certainly not the first man. And she showed me, without reservation, that I was making her happy.” — A., 27 years old. His wife, C., 41 years old, adds: “For me, it’s part of happiness. Why should I refuse it?”
Here is another “case” in which A., a laboratory worker, mother of two 12-year-old girls, is married for the second time to a young doctor, D. She is 38, he is 23 and has never been married.
She says humbly: “Of course, my family was shocked — they predicted a collapse within two years of marrying a ‘child in age.’” His wife, A., says: “I didn’t tell anyone about D. when I met him, because I was looking for love and it seems he found it in me. I didn’t let him speak, I didn’t care. And even if it had been true, what did it matter? We both had what we wanted. When it came to the sexual side, we managed to adapt to each other, we could achieve a balance.”
- adds: “I find that young women are not serious enough. They are very intelligent and well-educated, but they are not exact enough except when it comes to themselves. I find that many bring nothing of real contribution to the couple’s biography. Many relationships, even in the sexual sphere alone, prove poor, collected on barren ground.”
It is clear, therefore, that artificial barriers, arbitrary rules, and unnecessary restrictions go against the ideal of the ‘complete’ fulfillment of men and women and are on the verge of disappearing. Everyone must know the profile of this freedom, how to use it.
- G.V. CĂLIN
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1995, MODERN WOMAN
FAMILY BALANCE
In the life of the couple, of the spouses, there must always be concern for creating an atmosphere of balance, trust, and mutual respect. Emotional and intimate disagreements between spouses negatively influence the educational process and the peace of the children. The same situation can also be reflected in the quality of fulfilling professional tasks.
Over the years, the couple’s intimate relationships undergo some changes compared to the early years of marriage. The sometimes negative inclination of behavior is related to early, disorderly, and casual sexual relations from youth. Also, excesses in intimate relations, abuses lead to premature “aging,” to lack of interest, to the weakening of affection between spouses. In the decrease of the tone of the two partners, impotence in men, frigidity in women, somatic, endocrine, and neurological causes can be involved.
Somatic causes are related to endocrine imbalance, toxic states. Alcohol abuse, tranquilizing-effect medications act on the balance of the couple’s life. Repeated abortions, besides the ovarian dysfunctions they cause, indirectly involve states of tension, jealousy, fear of the sexual act, things that, sooner or later, spark quarrels and the cooling of the family atmosphere.
It must be known, however, that neuroses, of various types, do not necessarily involve a decrease in potency, especially when self-medication is avoided and treatment is done strictly under medical supervision. After overcoming a period of tension, the main problem of the spouses is to recreate, in the family atmosphere, a state of relaxation, of comfort, with a balanced lifestyle, without excesses, with pleasant leisure time spent in nature.
Sometimes the temporary hospitalization of one of the spouses is necessary, much more effective than medication, which gives results for a short time, after which crises reappear. Knowing that, both physically and mentally, men are different from women, that in general they are responsible for supporting the family, the material means, that they are nervous, proud, and do not give in, even when they know they are guilty, as specialists we advise women to be the ones to bring peace and calm to the family.
It is said that men are “big children”: therefore, treat them as such, they will feel loved, protected, and will know that after a day of work they return gladly to a pleasant nest, where patience and understanding melt away grievances and sometimes professional failures. By avoiding quarrels and especially unfounded accusations arising from unjustified jealousy, both spouses can create an intimate and warm atmosphere, in which they will not lose their love and respect for each other.
Alongside psychological balance, a clean home, and permanent hygiene will ensure physical health and the pleasure of living under the same roof.
DORINA ALDEA
Primary psychiatrist
______________________
1995, MODERN WOMAN
IS IT GOOD TO HELP THE MAN WHEN HE HAS DIFFICULTIES PERFORMING THE INTIMATE ACT?
Answered by Dr. FLORICA TRANDAFIR,sexologist physician
A single, clear-cut answer is not possible. Difficulties in performing the intimate act are quite numerous, ranging from libido (desire), erection, to copulation and achieving orgasm. At each of these intermediate steps that mark the intimate act — as a whole — moments of difficulty can occur. These may be real or apparent, objective or subjective, circumstantial (accidental) or habitual (from habit). The woman, in any of these situations, will have a certain role, and true erotic harmony is built with an effort of understanding, adjustment, gentleness, empathy, and sensitivity.
Some men need to be helped at the beginning of the intimate act, through the woman’s attitude that allows him, understands him, thinks of nothing else, and gives herself. Fear of unwanted pregnancies, indifference, or even hostility can prevent, from the start, the realization of the intimate act. If the man is the one who does not want this, because he is tired, nervous, in a bad mood, troubled by professional matters or simply “not in the mood,” it is wrong for the woman to push the matter. Here the woman must show perfect tact and even if she harbors a certain dissatisfaction in her soul and an unfulfilled state in her body, it is preferable to wait for the right moment for both.
When the man desires the intimate act but has difficulties at the beginning or during it, there is also a great risk in trying to “help him” insistently, without his consent and cooperation. He will certainly feel frustrated and will become even more inhibited. If we know him well (and we should), we will know how to spare his susceptibilities and create those “strong” points to which he responds well. Sometimes a short break, even in the middle of the difficulty, is enough to set up another atmosphere: we put on a lively record, draw the blinds, take a refreshing shower, have a glass of drink. At other times, changing the position of the intimate act can trigger virility dulled by monotony. The best thing, however, is for us, as women, to have as our main concern the prevention of failure in the intimate act. “Prevention is easier than cure” applies very well in the field of eroticism. If the man feels that we are particularly eager to consummate the intimate act, he may be frightened by the prospect of failure. Therefore, the woman will take care to modulate the atmosphere through the so-called “delaying”: “We have all the time in the world, my dear. If you are a bit tired now, go to bed and we will meet, in our dear project, after you rest!” Of course, for this strategy to work, the partners must know each other, love each other, and live together. That is why such a “model” is inappropriate for couples who meet by chance, see each other occasionally, and join together whenever and wherever they can!
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1995, MODERN WOMAN
IS THE WOMAN’S AGGRESSIVENESS IN INTIMATE RELATIONS HARMFUL?
Answered by Dr. FLORICA TRANDAFIR, sexologist physician
In only one case is a woman’s aggressive conduct beneficial in intimate relations: when her partner, for certain reasons, suffers from psychological inhibition and needs to be unlocked. In all other cases, the man does not accept, either psychologically or behaviorally, that the woman takes the reins of the sexual act. It seems natural to me, up to a point, that erotic initiative should not degenerate into aggressiveness — and in no case should it belong to the woman. I receive numerous male patients, but also female patients, who declare themselves unhappy about being forced to respond to erotic initiatives when they do not want to. Of course, we are not discussing rape here, which is a criminal matter. I will tell you about the most representative case regarding the repercussions of violence on a man. I am currently treating a young man, aged 27, very successful as a man. Perhaps for this reason, he was the subject of the aggressions of women who wanted him as a sexual partner.
Wanting to escape this real terror of his sex appeal, he got married. His wife, fearing that he might cheat on her with other women, applied a destructive tactic, similar to the fate of the women he had tried to escape by marrying. Ten days after consummating the marriage, the young man was forced by his wife to have sexual relations much more often than normal (daily, for several months). Regrettably, the wife invented the most fanciful methods and tricks to arouse her husband’s appetite and weaken his impulse towards other women. As was to be expected, the young man developed sexual neurosis. Although hormonally, anatomically, and functionally he is able to have intimate relations, he became partially impotent. A psychological impotence, a form of refusal towards his wife’s abusive conduct. If he were not embarrassed, the young man would be willing to divorce. But he fears complications.
As a sexologist physician, I advise women never to try to push the matter. Aggressiveness is like a boomerang: it turns against the woman and risks decisively upsetting erotic harmony. No one likes to be forced to do something against their will, and even less so in such a delicate area as intimate relations. Gentleness, protection, sensitivity — attributes of modern femininity — should not be sacrificed on the altar of fleeting moments of uncertain pleasure.
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1995, MODERN WOMAN
BETWEEN US, WOMEN
IS THE WOMAN’S EROTIC INITIATIVE HARMFUL TO THE COUPLE?
Answered by Dr. FLORICA TRANDAFIR, sexologist
Over time, the false impression has been created that the intimate act should be initiated only by the man, and the woman should be satisfied with his acceptance or, at worst, his refusal. In the sexual relations between young people today, there has appeared a pronounced… assault from the woman, who desires erotic fulfillment as much as the man. This is deeply justified. It is neither wrong nor unusual for the woman to take the initiative in the intimate act. In most cases, it has been shown that the man… assaulted feels flattered and — in part — even aroused by the woman’s desire. In our opinion, he has every reason to be. A woman eager for sexual contact is preferable to one who is indifferent, apathetic, tired, or repulsive. The only thing is that erotic initiative should not become aggressive, as it can lead to opposite effects if the man is not ready, able, in the mood, or desirous of sexual contact.
This is a fundamental rule, valid also for the man who takes the initiative. What do we advise women? To attempt erotic foreplay with the thought and feeling not of consummating the sexual act at any cost, but of mutual fulfillment and desire. If she is attentive to the man’s reactions, observing the extent to which he is able or willing to complete the sexual act, that is very good. If blockages, inhibitions, or fears appear, associated with partial or total impotence, or with premature ejaculation, the woman will face a delicate moment, on which the man’s subsequent reaction depends. Knowing how important the man considers the successful completion of the sexual act, we dare to warn women that any erotic initiative is somewhat like the saying “knock and it shall be opened to you.” We would add: yes, if the man is at home…
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1995, MODERN WOMAN
Sexual fantasy – a handicap?
Answered by Dr. MIRELA BRĂDEAN — sexologist
“All things are permitted to me, but not all things are beneficial”, says a biblical precept. In other words, tact, attention, and mutual respect are nowhere as necessary as in the intimate sphere. Everything that is pleasant for both partners is permitted without limit as long as that limit does not represent for one of them a taboo, a frontier beyond which one must not pass.
Imagination (fantasy) has its roots in our own body, psychoanalysts affirm. Therefore, it must be formed and developed in each of us. Just as a child is taught to walk, to write, so must each person learn how to live their own sexuality. It should be known that sexual balance is not achieved overnight, but over time, through direct, open communication between partners, who, while giving free rein to fantasy, still respect another golden rule: what one does not like, no matter how much the other likes it, must no longer be applied. And although each person has the right to make decisions regarding their sexual conduct, everything related to it should not be a unilateral decision, but the result of mutual agreement within the couple.
In the modern view, reciprocity means knowing your own feelings, ideas, and demands about sex, but above all knowing and understanding those of your partner. Lack of communication, the tendency to assume that the other “should understand,” lead to conflicts that separate, before a serious relationship is established or sometimes even long after.
Since in love fantasy is the driving force of action, attraction, and its maintenance, and caresses, kissing, poetry, dancing, and play are just some of the ways to express imagination, verbal and nonverbal communication represent the “psychological key” to a healthy and satisfying sexuality, making the sexual relationship a perpetual joy and not a routine duty.
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1995, MODERN WOMAN
DIALOGUES WITHOUT PREJUDICE
THE MIRACLE OF TENDERNESS
— Whenever our marriage goes through some eclipses, there is always a remedy to which I resort, sometimes I, sometimes my husband, Barbu. It is like a miraculous flower, whose scent, laden with memories and longings, helps us pass more easily through life’s traps. I think you know what I’m talking about.
— I suspect, but I’m waiting for you to confess.
— You see, dear friend, the burning fire of love, which scorches the years of passionate youth and tempestuous years, gives birth, in those who live together in harmony year after year, to a bud, an enchanted sprout, called tenderness. I like to see it, in my mind’s eye, as a bud, because this gives me the feeling of freshness, of perpetual wholeness, and in fact that is how tenderness should be: without end, without fatigue, and without old age. I have been married to Barbu for almost 20 years and I can say that, after so many years of first loves, now our love is wrapped in this miracle of souls, which protects us whenever we have a crisis.
It may seem too fluffy a word and hard to understand, but between us there have never been poisonous suspicions, unfounded jealousies, or physical rejections. We have always taken care that, at the end of some heated discussions, or simply when feeling the harshness of the daily atmosphere, we sprinkle it with a tender expression, to assure the other that the esteem, appreciation, our inner soul is still there, intact, and that life goes on, with its meanders full of charm, dangers, joys, and troubles — but much more bearable when you live it with the loved one.
— I suppose that between you two, as things stand, the issue of separation has never arisen.
— Of course, we are mature and wise enough to understand that a life lived to the end, as two, that is in communion, complementarity, support, or as is often said, is infinitely more advantageous, more beneficial to the soul and body, than loneliness or some form of compromise. It is true, it requires many renunciations of whims and selfishness, honesty, even marital fair play, but looking closely with the eyes of the mind, anyone lucidly finds that only these characteristics polish the true HUMAN BEING. Most people see marital or partnership relationships as a kind of business, like “I have someone to cook for me”… “I have a shelter”… “I have social status with a rich man”… “I’ve settled down and escaped bachelorhood or loneliness.” Even when there is between two young people a playful spirit and love, it can only survive in a climate of understanding, devotion, flexibility, even many compromises, but above all these more or less conventional formulas, there is a fundamental value that protects, purifies, and strengthens the relationship between them and gives it stability, cohesion, resistance to the erosions of time. Whoever does not understand that in a true family giving and demanding equally, devotion, cannot be called a partner in hidden thought, considering the partner the person of your life, subject to the game, he unsubjected, the recurring comforter of all kinds of risks, of troubles, which sometimes never appear on their own.
Whoever understands that in a life spent under someone’s “roof” giving, the waves and storms clear as if by magic, is a person truly fulfilled spiritually.
Psych. MARIA PREDESCU ȘERBAN
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1995, MODERN WOMAN
ARE EROTIC FANTASIES HARMFUL TO THE COUPLE’S RELATIONSHIP?
Answered by Dr. FLORICA TRANDAFIR, sexologist physician
When one of the partners in the couple has an extra (we might say surplus) of imagination, he or she is generally disadvantaged if they give free rein to erotic fantasy. Fantasies appear as a reaction to erotic unfulfillment and are not, in themselves, harmful to the couple unless they become obsessive or are associated with frigidity, in the case of the woman, or with erection, libido, or ejaculation disorders in the man.
I recall, in this regard, the case of a young woman who had the chance to be considered extremely seductive and sensual, so to speak, by several partners who had failed to satisfy her erotically. The cause? One of them was in too much of a hurry to enjoy the charms of her body, another was vulgar, and the third, brutal. That is why Adela began to fear men, to avoid them, and to take refuge in the world of erotic reveries (fantasies), which brought her to a threshold of sensory bliss.
This moment is, however, harmful to a woman’s intimate life, as it can prepare the ground for major reflex disorders of the desire to achieve orgasm (nocturnal emissions, anorgasmia), disturbance of the erotic instinct which can lead to the absence or a particular form of frigidity (“some movements of men hurt me”). Well, it is risky to enter marriage hoping that married life, with all it entails, will solve all the inhibitions you have acquired as a result of failed experiences. That is why, at the beginning of marriage, the two partners could communicate openly and sincerely about everything that troubles them in this delicate and essential chapter.
If, however, the woman, out of shyness, refuses to discuss with her husband and remains in the same type of resignation, daydreaming about what she could obtain, with some effort, through communication, the risk of perpetuating her frigidity is very high. A woman can be kindled next to a dirty, insensitive, cold, overly carnal, or hurried man. He can help her love, but not just anyone, and not unless he understands what is happening in her soulful and physical dream. It is, therefore, a healthy wisdom, accessible only to those couples in which sensitivity, love, and the desire to make the other happy reign supreme, with whom you spin the thread of daily existence.
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1995, MODERN WOMAN
BETWEEN US, WOMEN
ARE SEXUAL REFINEMENTS A STIMULANT FOR INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS?
Answered by Dr. FLORICA TRANDAFIR, sexologist doctor
Figuratively speaking, sexual refinements are like the spices that enhance the taste of dishes: from bland, they become spicy, more pleasant to taste, and more stimulating for the appetite. Not every man or woman, however, knows the “secret” of these, which are neither vicious nor condemnable if they have the consent of both parties. The former model of the adult generation, characterized by modesty, restraint, and poor information, unfortunately created a great handicap for women through erroneous conceptions. Thus, the young generation had neither the source nor the guidance to learn some natural, normal things that can also take refined forms in terms of sexual behavior. The uncontrolled flood of literature or audiovisual images with pornographic content (after the Revolution) covered this lack of information, distorting their form and fundamental beauty, which any couple has the right to enjoy.
In my practice as a sexologist, I have met many women who have confessed that they are embarrassed to ask their partner for certain sexual refinements, such as: persistent kissing of the breasts, sensitive or deep caressing, taking positions other than the classic one. These are tied to a false idea — that only prostitutes can ask for… sinful inclinations toward erotic life. Such fear can generate mistakes. I recall a case, a 27-year-old woman, married for 3 years, who suffers from a particular form of frigidity because she was ashamed to ask her husband to caress her and hold her to his chest in the bedroom before having sexual intercourse.
Even from the beginning of intimate relations, young people should prefer refinement and strive to discover it. This aspect of finesse is especially valuable and adds flavor to the relationship. It is neither shameful nor immoral if the two partners love each other and agree to try various forms of erotic expression, which include sexual refinement. This is, without a doubt, beneficial to the evolution of a couple. But, attention! One can slide, imperceptibly, into the artificial, unnatural, sophisticated, at any cost, if too much importance is given to this aspect. That is why I advise women not to resort to refinements as an end in themselves, but only when the concrete moment calls for it. Never refuse, brutally and definitively, such an invitation from the man. And, as the saying goes: “appetite comes while eating.” Often, when not invited, a man may not know well that the woman should not force him, but neither should she wait passively for him in the bedroom, at that moment, for a certain sacred moment. To be a woman means to have refinement, to have tact, to please, and to be more comforting in prevention.
To remember: sexual refinements are learned over the course of a long-term erotic relationship, based on respect for the partner, decency, and good sense. To confuse them with what some call “being depraved” is a grave error. They are part of the sacred traits of man and woman, which God has endowed with love, with feeling, and with sensitivity. But also with the filter of reason and discernment.
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1996, DILEMMA
Man and Woman
Man or woman, neither escapes the prejudices that cling stubbornly to one sex or the other.
From a young age, a girl has her ears pierced in anticipation of earrings. Marked visibly, little girls are given the “free” assignment to dress in pink and play with mommies, kittens, or Indians, with dolls (the collection is made only for the giants and other gentle ones, accepted by both camps). The sexual back-and-forth of late adolescence brings with it other tender moments. At the flowering of love, girls are advised (by the wiser, still female, members of the family) to be on the defensive, not on the offensive. Traditional prejudices say that a girl “must set her eyes on a boy,” not the other way around. Their role is to cry in the rest of the scenes, when the man on duty leaves the stage, tense, sulking… The declaration of love must come from him, so that the girl has all those ready-made answers. She, according to custom, manifests her preferences discreetly, directly or indirectly, through a modest, affectionate behavior. And she provokes no emotion — otherwise she risks playing in life not the role of the beautiful and well-behaved woman, but that of the ostentatious vamp from soap operas.
For marriage, a girl must not only wait, but also preserve herself. Masters of prejudice (like Barbara Cartland, present in the Guinness Book of Records for the enormous/obscene number of syrupy novels produced) consider marriage to be a woman’s career. The eternal scheme of the poor and pleasant girl who, with tenacity, catches the rich heir, saving him thus from a vitiated society, has been so inoculated into us through all possible media that we have almost come to adopt it (we, women). The Romanian variation of the above-mentioned pattern, also present in matrimonial ads, is simpler: looking for housewife women and salaried men, thus with income.
Further, the rustic prejudice about marriage takes on a more economic tone: the hateful times bribed the deformed couple, famous and united in standing in line and putting money in the C.E.C. for heirs and memorials.
This pessimistic vision fits into the personal prejudices of the article’s author. I am amazed that, beyond the marital prejudices of some of the signatories, they come to form their own “counter-prejudices.” Thus you risk falling into the prejudice that “you see the woman as too strong, the strongest, much stronger, untamable, able to ‘carry’ everything.” Or too miniature, with the mind and memory of Adam’s rib.
I do not affirm nor contest the truth or falsehood of these prejudices. I believe, however, that any generalized conclusion, planted in power-based facts, is inaccurate, laughable, and therefore disconnected.
Iaromira POPOVICI
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1997, MODERN WOMAN
Our Partner – THE ALTRUISM OF LIFE AS A COUPLE
BETWEEN US, WOMEN
Most men want to be treated by their wives similarly to how it was in the home of their childhood, when their mother or a sister offered them all the comfort necessary for a protected existence. Life as a couple involves a considerable set of responsibilities that require giving up, with nostalgia and a certain regret, the old infantile comforts. Some of these responsibilities can become the cornerstone of conjugal existence — equally a bond between HIM and HER or a thorny subject of dissent inflamed by the boiling arguments of “I don’t have time,” “this is your responsibility,” “it’s not my job to…,” “I wasn’t used to…”
A careful and impartial analysis of our partner’s biography, the habits and traditions he has accumulated in his own family, the structure of regional influences (Transylvania, Banat, Moldova, Dobrogea, Oltenia, Maramureș) will surely give us the markers to decide on the opportunity of certain strategies for harmonious cohabitation. The partner’s selfishness is often encountered in couples, and a perceptible and conscious shift toward the sacred territory of conjugal altruism is both a coherent and equally lucid-sentimental temptation. A real argument, a sincere and heartfelt request, a concrete example of devotion, the cleverly disguised reproach under the mask of “sweet” upset, constructive dialogue, free and relaxed communication, the division of household tasks under the seal of consensus — all these smooth out the roughness of life as a couple. The incendiary initiatives, most often, of parents, neighbors, friends must be neutralized with tact and diplomacy. Velvet firmness in applying rules and beliefs that will make the home a stronghold of stability is within our power as women. We have on our side the miraculous weapons with which we have always managed to win the battles for happiness in two: intuition, femininity, patience, tolerance, and generosity. With such psychological “ingredients,” our partner’s altruism will be shaped in parallel with ours. Because, isn’t it so, we will demand from him what we ourselves are capable of offering in terms of altruism: self-giving, dedication, tolerance, sacrifice, and generosity, under the all-powerful sign of Eros.
MARIA
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1998, MODERN WOMAN
Seasonal Pill
Why do MEN turn their heads after WOMEN?
In summer, women always seem to us — in fact, they don’t just seem, they really are! — more beautiful than in any other season. In summer, in fact, all women are beautiful, and the very beautiful ones become even more beautiful. Thinking superficially and vulgarly, we might be tempted to believe that this surplus of beauty is nothing more than an increased feminine attractiveness — due to fewer clothes, their thinness and transparency… Dresses are cut with more pins: shorter, lower-cut, lighter, and more airy. The much-coveted forms now become at once guessed and the tempting gleam of skin — a woman knows all too well that… men are fools in a different way. The long-proclaimed physical and intellectual superiority of man pales before the slightly aggressive feminine charm. (Their foolishness, not beauty, should be more than enough argument for a woman not to feel inferior or discriminated against in any way!)
A seduced man is just as easily abandoned as a seduced woman. A woman who is only intelligent is weaker than a woman who is only beautiful. These are just some of the reasons why a woman’s beauty can be a more powerful weapon — not only for men. Beauty underscores spirituality, while the reverse is not necessarily true! (Not a few men I have heard confessing, moreover, that they feel more comfortable next to an intelligent woman than next to a beautiful one, but that they feel, in turn, more flattered standing next to a beautiful woman than next to an intelligent one, more envied, with their masculine pride more satisfied…) Years ago, I remember, a former college colleague, a witty guy but with a — until then — not very generous biography, a boy from the mountains, was going for the first time to the seaside. He was excited. Knowing him to be a hardened misogynist, I warned him: “Be careful, on the beach it will still be women who will come your way!” He sent me a postcard: “Man, you know you were right! I got hit, and it stuck,” and when he returned from vacation, as misogynistic as he had been before, he got married!
In summer, all women are beautiful: blondes — more blonde, brunettes — more brunette, chestnut-haired — more chestnut. Not because the dresses are shorter, the pants more tight. But because the summer light spiritualizes their beauty in a more special way.
That is why men always turn their heads after women: because in summer, women are always beautiful and because there is no man who, at least once in his life, has not felt like a poet — for the sake of a single woman!
GEORGE IANCU
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1998, MODERN WOMAN
The 50-Year-Old Woman…
It is easy to give advice to women in full strength and vigor, it is easy to tell them how to build a career, how to fight for their rights, how to adopt effective contraceptive methods, and how to choose their life partners. But what should women around the age of 50 do, who represent a special category in the post-December history of Romania?
Most of them you see at the market, shabbily dressed, without perfume, with one, two, three bags in hand, sad and almost totally ignored.
Some came to the city thirty-some years ago, forced by fate, by earthquake, by family, finished college, got a job, and worked diligently. Now they are lined up, just like merchandise, on the shelves of a regime — the regime that bans middle age — and they no longer have any chance. Prematurely aged, misunderstood, condemned, they are, at best, the subject of jokes in the family or at work. It seems to them that their life is reduced to the hours spent in the kitchen, in the markets through which they wander dizzy from prices, to children struggling to find their way in life, to hot flashes caused by menopause, to sufferings of all kinds. A bleak picture, isn’t it? You might say it is an exaggerated vision of what most women in Romania who are around 50 feel. Day-to-day existence, however, proves me right.
A simple statistic, obtained with difficulty from the Ministry of Health, shows that, at the level of the years ’97-’98, women in this age group present the most serious psychological imbalances, and the number of those seeking medical services is increasing. Their condition interests no one. Moreover, this type of woman does not fit into any kind of standard.
Their offer on the labor market is non-existent. Any young person has priority. Isn’t it illogical and lacking in common sense to ignore precisely those who have worked hard until now? In a civilized country, 50-year-old women have an important role to play. They are the ones who can speak sensibly, who can get involved in organizing charitable, benevolent, or humanitarian organizations. Social programs are the only ones that can help them. In this sense, they should be included among the disadvantaged categories, and they would deserve a different kind of protection. Do not forget, the 50-year-old woman of today is the product of a regime that subjected them all to a sacrificial sum. They are the mutilated victims of the horrors of communism and of the indifference of the transition.
VIOLETA BAUR
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1998, MODERN WOMAN
Is your husband indifferent and “forgets” about you?
BE MORE INDEPENDENT THAN HE IS!
You have been married for… years. You haven’t exactly been the woman of your husband’s dreams. You know that well and you’ve made peace with it — he didn’t come riding on a white horse from magical lands either. Even so, your marriage WORKS. The children are growing beautifully, the family assets are increasing, even if we are living in hard times. Would you like to be the ultimate woman for him…? Of course you would, but how could you do it without arousing unfair suspicions? Without letting him know that his indifference bothers you? A few solutions, which can be adapted from case to case, may be useful.
- a) Avoid calling him at work just to ask how he’s doing and say banalities. Suddenly stop addressing him just out of a desire to make conversation and let him take the initiative.
- b) If you have taught him that, when it comes to sex, you always make the first move, it’s time to reveal a new side: be shy, evasive, like on the first date; don’t respond immediately to “advances,” let him wait, to “see in action,” and slowly, slowly he will rediscover his lost manhood.
- c) Give up the usual home outfit consisting of sweatpants or a bathrobe. Put on discreet makeup, even if you’re not going anywhere, and wear perfume; he will have no one to be jealous of, but you will draw attention.
- d) Give up the “waiting” attitude. Always be on the point of leaving or arriving. Make yourself a busy schedule, go to the cinema, to the theater, to shows, ask him if he wants to come too; and if he refuses immediately, know that it will be hard to go alone at first, but you won’t be without company for long.
- e) Always give him the impression that your time is precious, make him always choose after you, struggle to get a few minutes of your time; he will have the feeling that you no longer entirely belong to him, and will believe that he might lose you.
Attention! Your conduct must be impeccable. You must arouse his interest, not his jealousy. The goal is a new lifestyle, independent of his. The more independent you are, the freer he will feel… to chase after you.
- f) He has so many extra-conjugal pursuits. He follows numerous football championships, meets with friends, goes fishing, hunting, wastes hours in front of the computer, playing backgammon… You, on the other hand, give him all your free time completely and wait for him, and when he comes home you nag him. The solution? Be busier than he is. Any activity is welcome: an extra job, activity at a gym, friends to chat with, some course or other. Organize your life in such a way that you no longer have time to complain that he neglects you, that you get bored in the free hours when he should be with you.
MIHAELA RĂDULESCU
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1998, NATIONAL JOURNAL
Eighteen tricks by which a wife can “train” her husband
At the beginning of a marriage, everything is new, everything is beautiful. Unfortunately, the honeymoon passes very quickly and, little by little, small frictions appear, which often needlessly escalate. To help wives who still hope to have a perfect husband, there is still hope. We present, below, 20 small tricks by which a wife can try to shape her life partner.
Household troubles
• He doesn’t like to take the trash to the chute. Make a small arrangement with a neighbor, preferably a more handsome one, to take the trash for you at least a few times. The effect is guaranteed.
• He never helps you wash the dishes. There’s a remedy for that too. Give him a few days of eating from plastic plates. You will find that very soon he will ask where the dishwashing detergent is.
• He forgets to wipe his shoes when he comes into the house. Find a good photo of your favorite actor or singer and leave it in the middle of the doormat. He will wipe his shoes with excessive care.
He forgot how to be gallant
• He doesn’t have a photo of you with him. Slip one into his wallet, but not before coating it well with “Superglue.”
• He no longer remembers your birthday or wedding anniversary. Take a red marker and circle those dates on the kitchen calendar or in his personal agenda.
• He’s forgotten to invite you to a restaurant. “Accidentally” fail to cook his favorite meals and carefully hide the phone numbers of pizza delivery places.
• He no longer offers you flowers. Make him jealous and send yourself a few bouquets of red roses. Usually, the trick works.
• He’s not as amorous as in the first days. Watch a hotter movie together, one of those aired around midnight. If that doesn’t work, try “Viagra,” the medicine that makes something out of nothing.
Ugly habits
• He picks his nose. Take a photo of him “in the act.” Don’t forget to enlarge it as much as possible.
• He invites his friends over too often. Before their visit, make sure to hide all the alcohol in the house.
• As soon as he comes home, he flops on the couch and stares only at the TV. Replace the couch with a less comfortable one or, if not, at least hide the remote control and suggest a “Freeze game” to find it.
• He badmouths your parents. Remind him that they haven’t made their will yet or make him believe they just won the lottery.
He will surely change for the better feelings.
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1999, AGENDA MAGAZINE
Critical phases in the life of a couple
Love and sexuality are the foundation of a couple’s relationship. The exchange of feelings is an accessory bond between elements. But many factors can change the balance. The first two years of marriage constitute the first difficult stage, which can be the source of disappointment if the husband (wife) does not behave as the partner expected.
Conjugal cohabitation then becomes a knot in which the two partners settle their scores. Then perhaps the first child appears. The two spouses must learn to live as a family of three. Some women change their behavior. Sexual life takes second place, and the husband feels neglected. The next seven years are another important phase. Various traps appear — the routine of marriage — which must be overcome. Then the two have passed their second youth. The children have grown up, are on their own path… and the couple is once again left alone, facing a new test, not always positive. The best way to overcome these crises is dialogue.
- M.
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2000, MODERN WOMAN
PROTECTED SEX – A NECESSITY
Sexology Clinic
A study commissioned by Durex, the leading name in the global condom market, revealed that, regarding sex, today’s Romanian youth are more responsible than previous generations. According to the study, 70% of young people aged 15 to 19 always use a condom when having sex with someone they have recently met.
In contrast, only 56% of young people aged 20 to 29 and less than half of those in the 30-39 age group do so.
While 82% of young people changed their behavior due to the fear of HIV/AIDS, just under half of young people aged 20-29 say this fear has influenced their lives, and we could say that only 51% of them can be considered responsible because they admitted they used a condom the last time they had sex for the first time.
The study revealed that Romanians make love, on average, 127 times a year, and among 17-year-olds who have started their sexual life, 17% said they waited until they felt ready. Also, almost 30% of women waited until their wedding day.
Romanians are a romantic nation. Most of them prefer to make love in bed with satin sheets, with the bathroom or shower coming in second place as the location. On the other hand, most say their love life is considerably less important than money, family life, or the recession.
Is the second “I DO” said more quickly?
Those who marry for the second time bring with them into the new marriage experience, wisdom, and self-knowledge. For this reason, men and women in this category manage to overcome obstacles better and faster.
The second marriage is usually more successful because the two have already had the chance to look for the perfect partner. They know very well what they want and that neither is without flaws. They also know that marriage as a shared life necessarily involves many compromises. Statistics show that while the relapse of the first marriage could be considered the chaining of honeymoons, in the second marriage, it is precisely the beginning that is more critical. This is because the spouses notice problems more quickly. In return, they have more chances, more practice in handling conflict situations, so they know what needs to be done until death.
Interestingly, the second “I DO” is pronounced more quickly than the first. The reason is most often the pain caused by divorce, loneliness, and the urge for partners to want to rebuild their lives more quickly. In most cases, women throw themselves headfirst into the second marriage, either to console themselves from the suffering or to prove to their former husband that they are more attractive.
Although emotional healing when a woman is still single is slower, it is not impossible. Experts and researchers believe that the second “I DO” is spoken more by young women. But even those over 40 consider the second marriage as their last chance. Some women know they still feel strong, that they want to share their lives with a new husband. Remarried husbands also feel the need to close a cycle, ending the second fate on a better note.
QUARRELING, a way of saying “I love you”?!
There are couples who need daily quarrels. Every day they provoke scenes, sulk, shout, scream, gesticulate. Without these daily clashes, the two partners would be unhappy.
Children and parents turned into weapons
If the problems that arise in a couple are, directly or indirectly, rooted in the family past, they can take on a great variety of forms.
Psychologist Prieur, a family therapist, considers that at the root of a conflictual relationship lies, unconsciously, the family model. “At the root of a conflictual relationship,” he says, “is the family typology that each person carries with them, trying, more or less consciously, to relive it within the couple.”
Children are the most frequently used weapon. It is no coincidence that there is a resurgence of misunderstandings when children reach adolescence. Mothers feel the need to rebuild their lives. Children raise unexpected obstacles between themselves and their parents… In the case of separation, child support or visitation become excellent means of revenge.
Another handy weapon: elderly parents, who must be supported by the young couple.
What is to be done? Who pays? How much? Questions that turn life into a boxing ring.
The apple of discord: money and sex
Money occupies a leading place in couples’ quarrels: money earned, money spent, money inherited, money owed, provoking endless reproaches.
Sexuality generates situations of refusal, rejection, even aggression, when communication suffers. Is the husband disappointing me? I refuse him. Does the wife humiliate me? I make her submit – this is the mechanism.
2000, MODERN WOMAN
THE INFLUENCE OF THE SUBCONSCIOUS ON THE CHILD
Elisse Kraft
The power of the unconscious is so great that it constantly and imperceptibly motivates our actions, whether or not we are aware of them. Parents, guided by the rationalist conception of man and always driven by the best intentions, fear confronting the failure they face in educating their children and do not understand the cause. By admitting only their conscious motivations, such as “Every parent wants the best for their child,” parents exclude unconscious influences on their children. In this case, a double dialogue occurs between child and parent: one in a conscious mode, and another unconscious (see: “Psychoanalysis and Education” by Georges Mauco). From this results the fact that the unforeseen effects of education are the result of unconscious forces and interactions that are unrecognized and uncontrolled.
What is the way in which the unconscious of children can be kept under control? Here it is: unconscious tendencies remain with a structural charge as long as they are not recognized by the conscious instance (that is, they are denied), because their principle is to obtain immediate satisfaction. But when they are recognized by the conscious mind and mediated through words, they no longer have the violence that demands immediate release.
In my practice, in a case where a mother and her daughter could hardly tolerate each other and had even come to avoid one another, I advised the mother to allow and even encourage the daughter to express her hostile thoughts toward her. The result had a double efficiency: on the one hand, with the impulse no longer blocked by prohibitions and being expressed in words, it dissipated very quickly, and on the other hand, the mother learned how her daughter truly thought and began to change her actions as an educator. This is the high quality of a filter and censoring factor that comes from translating emotional impulses into words.
Another aspect that parents must take into account is that of emotional education. Within this education, one of the goals is the child’s ambivalence. This means that the child directs both love and hate toward the parents. In the family, the child learns love for the parents (and for siblings, if any), and thus, by overcoming his hate, will become a person with positive social feelings.
Another goal of parental education is aimed at the child’s independence. Let us not forget one thing: coercion was the watchword of the communist era, which hyper-fortified in people the desire for submission, thus explaining the temporary viability of dictatorial political regimes. I, as a psychologist and also as a teacher, strongly assert that all coercion must be removed from the child’s education.
From a psychoanalytic point of view, conditioning strengthens pathology instead of eliminating it, because it leads to the erosion of imaginative, fantastic life, and opposes emotional favoring, rather than actual coercion. There is a correlation between this level, their desire to attain the best possible image of the parents, the standard rules of action, and directed pressure.
But the worthy goal to be followed in good education is to understand what is happening in the child’s mind, which implies the development of the parents’ empathic abilities.
From a strictly family point of view, the child’s independence is much harder to achieve, since parents make the child their only goal. These tendencies have been called “educational violence,” because they force the child to follow a line in accordance with the parents’ desires and will, and not with the child’s natural tendencies for development. These tendencies are a sum between social necessity and one’s own nature.
The stake of the child’s independence is precisely that of successfully facing life’s difficulties, from which results, in the end, the reward: his intrinsic happiness.
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2015, NATIONAL JOURNAL
The “Mioritic” mentality perpetuates inequalities between men and women
Women in Romania – the most perse
According to European studies on gender equality, Romania ranks last, following the analysis of six areas: work, income, education, free time, political and economic power, and health. The Gender Equality Index for Romania is 33.7%, while Sweden, Finland, and Denmark are at the top of the European Union rankings with 74.2%, 72.7%, and 70.9% respectively.
MARIA COMAN
The media coverage of the Vaslui case makes us believe that in that geographical area the number of sexual assaults is much higher compared to other areas, but in reality sexual violence exists everywhere in Romania. Statistical data held by the Romanian Police and the Superior Council of Magistracy indicate that in each county there are rapes, but these data reflect only recorded complaints, not the real number of sexual assaults, which is much higher. Last year, the Police recorded 875 rapes, and the Prosecutor’s Office sent 469 people to court for this crime.
The patriarchal order, a “subject taught” at home and at school
The political, social, and cultural context in Romania’s history has kept women in the position of second-class citizens for a long time. In 1998, the Penal Code still contained the provision that a rapist was exempt from imprisonment if the victim agreed to marry the aggressor. This was eliminated only in the year 2000, the first law for the prevention and combating of domestic violence was introduced in 2003. The protection order has existed only since 2012. In 2013, there were proposals to include rape in the mediation law — to relieve the judicial system of less serious crimes.
Romanian culture is a patriarchal one, which legitimizes inequalities between women and men. “From an early age we are socialized into clearly defined gender roles, we learn what a woman or a man should and should not do. We learn from home that women are responsible for caring for children or other dependents, as well as for household chores, and these tasks take place every day — cooking, washing, ironing, cleaning, etc. At the same time, we learn that men are the ones who bring money home and that these tasks cannot be done by men, that it is ‘women’s work.’ This patriarchal order is reinforced in the education system which, through the examples given in textbooks, encourages this division of gender roles. Thus, unequal power relations are created between women and men, in which everything men do is more valued, more important, and better paid than what women do. The unequal power relations between women and men are those that lead to acts of violence against women, precisely to reinforce these power relations,” says Andreea Braga, from the Filia Center — an NGO that fights against gender inequalities.
From the time we are children we also learn about violence against women. If we are not ourselves witnesses or victims, we surely know a relative or a neighbor who is a victim of some form of violence (…)
Acts of violence to “reconfirm” power relations between sexes
Romania has 33.7%.
The reactions of those around, in which women’s behavior is questioned (“But what did you do to upset him?”, “You didn’t cook for him properly?”, “You must have provoked him, he wouldn’t have hit you for no reason”), as well as the lack of reactions that condemn the behavior of aggressors, make us understand that violence against women is tolerated and that it is a taboo subject.
North-south differences
There are significant differences between southern and northern culture regarding the differences between women and men. Patriarchy exists not only in Romania but also in various other countries of the world, but the difference in the case of the Nordic countries lies in the fact that they have adopted public policies to combat gender inequalities, and this is reflected even at the political level, where women have over 40% representation in national parliaments (Sweden, for example). In Romania, we have only 13.4% women in the Chamber of Deputies, 8.39% in the Senate, under 4% female mayors of communes or towns, and only 10 women as presidents of County Councils.
Students in Romania learn almost nothing about women’s rights, about equal opportunities or anti-discrimination. Unfortunately, children and young people still learn nothing about their sexual and reproductive rights, about what consent means and what sexual assault means. Education, I believe, plays an important role in changing patriarchal mentalities and gender inequalities between women and men.
Andreea Brînda, Filia Center
“The two will be one flesh”
Ontological equality between man and woman
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DILEMA VECHE, 2016
Petre GURAN
“Evangelical feminism” seems to have been overshadowed by a patriarchal foundation of the first Christian communities, a patriarchalism inherited and continued by the Church over the centuries.
At least this is the thesis of a contemporary feminist theology, attached to a social movement specific to the West in the 19th–20th centuries, namely the political and economic emancipation of women.
From here also came the literary fantasy surrounding Mary Magdalene, represented as a female apostle excluded from the founding group of Christianity and later hidden by church tradition.
The hypothesis has no basis in the observation of the formation of the Gospel text. If such an intention of concealment had existed, any trace, and especially her privileged position, would have been omitted from the Gospels.
Yet the Gospels themselves attest to this preeminent position of Mary Magdalene and the exaltation of the feminine as I described in the previous article.
St. Paul and the “feminism” of the Gospels
Let us see how Saint Paul, who has been accused of misogyny, relates to the “feminism” of the Gospels.
The first context in which the theme of equality between man and woman appears is that of couple relationships. Here we must read:
Chapter 7 of the First Epistle to the Corinthians of the Apostle Paul
together with the fragment from the Gospel of Matthew 19:3–12
…placing the issue of the couple in the context of the Kingdom of God.
Thus, the problem of the couple has both a social character and a spiritual character.
The social aspect: paternity and control
As long as an individual’s identity has been built starting from the question “Whose are you?”, there has been the necessity of social control of sexual relations, with an impact on procreation.
In most archaic societies (at least the best known historically), paternity determines the social status of the child.
The couple’s relationship is thus subordinated to procreation.
The exception is the accident in sexual relations, which induces chaos and tension in the patriarchal human group. The spiritual solution to this accident will be discussed below.
The spiritual aspect: ontological unity and evangelical novelty
Beyond the social imperative, the novelty introduced by the Gospel is:
The affirmation of the ontological unity of the couple, which excludes inequality.
Therefore, the patriarchal superiority of man described in Deuteronomy 24 as the man’s right of disposition over the woman is emulated and replaced with the man’s obligation toward the woman.
Hence the disciples’ observation that underlines the novelty:
“If this is the situation between a man and his wife, it is better not to marry.”
Chastity – a higher stage of being
The disciples’ observation, although it denotes spiritual obtuseness, will be transformed by Pauline texts into an openness toward virginity or chastity as a spiritual state, as preparation for a higher stage of being:
“…those who make themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven.”
Here is the evangelical text:
“Have you not read that He who made them from the beginning made them male and female? And He said: For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh; so they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no man separate.”
They said to Him: Then why did Moses command to give her a certificate of divorce and send her away? He said to them: Because of the hardness of your hearts Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. And I say to you that, except for the cause of fornication, whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery; and he who marries her who is divorced commits adultery. The disciples said to Him: If such is the case of the man with his wife, it is better not to marry. But He said to them: Not all can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. (…) for there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. He who is able to accept it, let him accept it.”
If you wish, I can continue with the rest of the article or also provide the other sections related to the Pauline interpretation and implications on spiritual and social equality.
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2019, CUVÂNTUL LIBER
Attention! STRONG WOMEN RISK ATTRACTING UNSUITABLE MEN
Although strong women want to have beside them balanced men who do not try to control them and who are not afraid of them, psychologists say that often they end up with unsuitable men, incapable of loving them and appreciating them at their true value.
In the opinion of specialists, the reasons why strong women attract unsuitable men are precisely the qualities they have – inner strength, self-confidence, altruism, and a “big heart.”
Luckily, regardless of the mistakes they make, strong women know that from them they learn valuable life lessons, overcome failure, and move forward.
However, psychologists say that even in this situation “it is better to prevent than to cure,” presenting the reasons why strong women attract unsuitable men.
They are altruistic – They are strong and confident in themselves, so they are able to love with an altruism that many people cannot even understand. Love is a natural thing for these women, so they end up attracting unsuitable men because they rush to take care of people, regardless of whether those people behave the same way or not.
They are driven by compassion and the desire to fix – Strong women are not necessarily poor judges of character, but they see the best sides of people and love them despite their flaws. Often, partners can take advantage of this. The heart of a strong woman is destined to heal others, especially when she sees someone who is suffering. Instead of recognizing that it is people’s job to heal themselves, strong women try to do everything they can even when it is not their problem. They fall in love with unsuitable men, believing they can be the ones to help them. But they only end up suffering themselves in the end.
Sometimes, they are intimidating – Strong women sometimes unintentionally intimidate the men who enter their lives. It is not about being too aggressive or too intense, but about the fact that men do not feel comfortable enough with themselves to accept a woman who is self-assured.
They are not used to someone equally strong – Strong women attract unsuitable men because they rush to be in a relationship. Because they have been disappointed in the past and feel they must be with anyone rather than wait for the right person, they convince themselves that there is no right person for them. They just need to be patient, because the perfect partner exists for everyone.
Sometimes, they are too independent – Strong women rely on their own strength in most cases to succeed in life. Unsuitable men may think these women seem too independent for a relationship, but the right partner will know that this independence is what defines strong women and that it is a quality, not a disadvantage.
They have learned to save themselves – Strong women continue to fall in love with unsuitable men because, over time, they have believed they only need themselves to succeed. Although they are incredibly strong and independent, even the strongest people sometimes need a shoulder to cry on.
If a woman is convinced she does not need someone sensitive who will take care of her, she may change her mind when she meets the right partner, who truly understands her and loves both her strength and her gentleness equally.
(L.P.)
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2020, DILEMA VECHE
The family’s family
Anyone is supposed to have a family.
Even the family itself.
To the terror of students, there are families not only of people, but also of words. The brides and grooms, the brothers- and sisters-in-law, the nephews and nieces of the “family” are words like “familiar,” “familiarism,” “to (make oneself) familiar,” “to defamiliarize” (?) and so on.
The stray sheep of the family is, however, “woman,” derived from the same Latin “familia.” Some would say that this etymology proves a reverence toward the one who embodies the essence of the venerable conjugal institution. Others, on the contrary, see here the remnants of a machismo attitude: “familia” is “the other,” and “the other” is “woman.” With a matriarchal fragrance or patriarchal scent, what is certain is that, from the start, we are dealing with a kinship that cannot be ignored.
“Familiar” means, clearly for everyone, “known,” “recognized,” “habitual” — as if the family were by definition the domain of predictability, of routine. With reference to language, the adjective also gains the nuance of simplicity, of directness, just as, about attitudes, it seems to mean “friendly,” “close.” In any case, the idea is that “in the family” we leave aside etiquette and craft so that we can feel, literally, “at home.”
May I dare to say that, in my case, my professional vocation is somehow at odds with the “familiarism” of domestic familiarity? In one of the impactful theories practiced in the middle of the last century by a group of experts gathered under the label of “Russian formalism,” it was stated that the essence of literature — of art, in fact — is its gift of refreshing the way we look at the world and existence. The formalists called this phenomenon “defamiliarization,” the tearing away from the routine of reception habits, on the one hand, or from the stereotypes of creation, on the other. Creators and their interpreters, critics, historians, are primarily engaged in “defamiliarization.” When I was dean at the Faculty of Letters, I inevitably received a lot of messages asking my opinion — authorized by the position I held! — about how to correctly say/write this or that. I was forced to answer that I deal with literature and that writers are precisely those who “break” the language permanently and cannot be taken as a reference for the academic correctness of speech.
Extended family
In a family, one of the most interesting relationships is that of the couple. Which, in turn, sometimes tends to “open up,” to become complicated by invitations addressed to third parties. It is not about third-degree cousins, mothers-in-law, and co-mothers-in-law, but about characters outside the “extended family” in the proper, legal, or cultural sense.
For example, about imaginary characters. Or literary ones. About memories with overwhelming emotional power. About previous relationships, which remain — in the memory or psyche of those involved — not only alive but often more important than the current relationship. About fantasies of all kinds.
Literature is, in fact, full of such scenarios in which the presence of a “third person” (not necessarily real) introduces tension, jealousy, frustration, or drama into the couple.
It can be said that the family is “extended” by all those who live in our imagination and whom we carry with us into our most intimate relationships.
It can also be said, at the same time, that the family — even in its modern, minimalist form — is never simple. It may be small, but it is not simple.