HER: For a while, I made memes of myself like I was something out of The Matrix. Later on, I set up a more serious profile. I thought, “Hey, maybe I’m ready for dating. Let’s see what I can find.” So, I uploaded some pictures where I looked good, you know, to show I’m a nice-looking girl. The next day, I had 1,000 likes. In just 8 hours. And I don’t even consider myself beautiful. (…) The app is designed to make money off men’s loneliness — they hand out likes desperately. Women are way more selective.
HER: Last year I started to travel by myself. Most people saw it as a sign that something was not OK. “What do you mean you’re traveling alone?” they said. What!? Don’t you ever go out for a coffee or for “something else” all by yourself? There were many who thought my behaviour was very strange. And even if the guy I was dating was ok, for me it was pretty clear that it wouldn’t have worked out. The Bumble BFF tool works great. I made really good friends there… `soulmates` as one might say. It’s very useful if you’re alone or if your girlies you grew up with stopped going out as much as they used to because they got kids and a family to care for, or even if you’ve just gone through a breakup and your group of friends has split… You have your dating mode, your BFF mode and your Bizz mode to network professionally. Basically, you just go on Bumble and you find friends, lovers and jobs. I find it really impressive.
HIM: I dated an ex-drug addict. She had gorgeous eyes, three kids, and she seemed rather familiar. We realized afterwards that we were both part of the BNT generation. When I was 16-18 years old, rockers and punks used to gather around motorcycles. We used to gather on the steps of the Bucharest National Theater.
For me it was kind of an exercise to see if I could date someone with kids. I asked her bluntly about her addictions, because she had that ex-drug user overall look – she was skinny and had very prominent facial bones – poor thing. She told me she’d been addicted to heroin for several years and that the father of her children – with whom I believe she was also married – abandoned her. Her parents disapproved of her lifestyle. She didn’t keep in touch with them. But what really shocked me had nothing to do with the things I just mentioned, but rather with the fact that when I told her we should go home, she became confused and didn’t understand why we were going to her place instead of mine. Apparently, she and her friend who was babysitting the kids that night, assumed we would end up at my place. I told her “You have kids. You should be with them tonight.” She had a little one too, like a three-year-old or something. It triggered my Savior Complex. And then I ghosted her. I couldn’t tell her why I did it.
HER: Discord serves as a communication platform mainly for gamers, featuring both a voice chat and a text chat function on various themes. There’s a bot that plays music and helps setting the mood, which is pretty cool if you ask me. However, it can become tiring when a lot of people join the chat group because it’s hard to keep a conversation going. Discord isn’t only about gaming. For example, you can create a text chat where everybody talks about beauty and makeup or you can create a voice chat where everybody has a photo of their pet as their profile picture. A reason, that’s what we’re looking for. A reason to socialize.
HER: This was the last guy I met on Bumble. He was an asshole. Misogynist, anti-Semitic and everything, and I’m Jewish. He was the whole package… not in a good way. And you know what’s the craziest part? He was studying psychology. He was fat shaming other girls, telling them they should hit the gym… He had no problem sharing all this crap with me. He was OK with it. Considering I’m not his type, I asked why he matched with me on the app and he said he did it only because he liked the photo in which I’m wearing a bra and thought that “I’m that type of woman.”. Then he said he liked me because I had more of a tomboy personality, that he felt he could talk to me, that I listened to what he was saying and asked him questions about his life, that I sort of enabled him to say all that crap, that I didn’t judge him and that’s what he wanted. Anyway, it ended pretty badly because, yes, I got drunk and he didn’t, and then he had sex with me and went home. I said to myself it was the last time I’d do something like that. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back. It felt like closing a case. For me, it never worked out to be on these apps.
(…) He was older than me. I think he was 36 at that time. I was only 16, but I lied and told him I’m 18. I wasn’t attracted to him or anything, but I convinced myself I was. He used to say things like: “even though you’re only 18 and I’m 36, the power dynamic is actually in your favor because you’re stronger and smarter and so on and so on.” And I went to his house before I turned 17 and he greeted me with nothing on but a towel. I asked a friend to call me in exactly two hours so I’d have an excuse to leave. We fooled around and I didn’t like it at all, it was terrible because I didn’t like him. I don’t know why I got involved in something like that. I told him I had done this many times before and he didn’t catch on. I went home and even though he kept texting me I didn’t contact him. Well, I guess I was rude too because I lied and did all these things.
HIM: Recently I had a relationship with a woman who was three years older than me. She was a single mother. She was OK from pretty much every point of view. (…) We planned to maybe see each other over the weekend because her daughter was staying with her father and so she’d be home alone. But she didn’t say anything all weekend. On Sunday I asked her “Do you wanna hang out?” and she said, “Of course, only if you’re willing to take the initiative. Just tell me where we’re going.” It felt a bit odd. Anyway, I took the initiative. At the end, she said she wanted me to kiss her. And I was like, really?! I listened to 6-8 hours of that conversation about situationships and I felt like I was being blamed.
(…) I bought a bottle of wine and drank it in two and a half hours. I thought it was going well. At the end, she looked at me and said, “Okay, there won’t be a second date.” And I said, “Alright, I thought it was going well”. What else can you say to something like that!? “It’s not you, it’s me.” she said. “Okay, thank you” I said. “I can explain if you want.” And I said “To be honest, I don’t think it would help me at all. You’ve already told me it’s not my fault.” She was offended when I said there’s no need for an explanation, which makes me think that her tactic was either for me to insist or for her to explain some unexpected circumstances that led her to meet someone else and that she wants to see him again. She thought of a specific scenario regarding the direction in which our conversation should go, and I didn’t follow it at all. This is something that has happened to me many times, situations where the other person expects to be asked a specific question so they can give a specific answer, and usually I refuse to ask that question.
HER: I know how a marriage works. I want to be free, not trapped in a cage again, unable to do anything. We have AI, but we suck at having a relationship, all acting like we’re still living in the Stone Age. (…)
It all comes down to education. Women must be obedient, women must bear children, women must know their place. If a woman chooses to live her life and then meets a guy and enjoys herself, she’s immediately labelled as a slut. That’s why our femininity is often judged harshly in society. Some people fail to understand that women radiate sensuality just by being themselves. And when I speak poorly of a woman, I’m actually criticizing her femininity, which means I’m also disrespecting myself.
(…) I cried over men and I also faced disappointment, but I came to understand it was all my fault; after all, I was the one with the unrealistic expectations. It was my responsibility to stop when I noticed certain red flags. I had to put my emotions aside. In the first 3-6 months it’s wise to keep your feet on the ground, because that’s when all these toxic relationships and abuses start. For the first 3-6 months, maybe a year, everything seems perfect, then they stop paying attention to you, they maybe even knock you up and that’s it, your fate is sealed. We have to understand that it’s not our partner’s responsibility to make us happy. This also applies to women and the way they approach a relationship. They need to lower their expectations because it’s not their partner’s reasonability to pamper them constantly. They have to offer something in return. You can’t always expect a man to make the first move. I didn’t know this before. I also didn’t know you could ask for the things you need and that it’s really easy to say no. Men are not made of steel. They might be a bit more resilient since they aren’t as emotional, but women also need to care for them a little.
(…) Mothers, in particular, need to educate their sons. I’m a mother myself and I realize that, whether we like it or not, we end up becoming our parents. (…) The divorce rates…Women came to understand they don’t have to stay in a relationship if they’re unhappy. Men also. You should take a closer look at the situation. Give it your all and try to fix it, and only if it doesn’t work, well… (…) Alright, we’ll move to the countryside, just the two of us. Couples with friends tend to be much happier than those without. Well, if Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie didn’t make it despite having everything… you get my point! Of course, what truly matters is how you interact with one another, not how wealthy you are.
HIM: Three days after we met on Romeo and realized we had a couple of things in common he invited me to Bucharest saying “Come visit!”. The lockdown restrictions were easing, which meant we could finally travel more easily. Despite being 20 and afraid of the unknown world around me, I decided to go. (…) I had always felt like something was missing with guys my age. They seemed insecure and confused regarding their life, each carrying their own emotional baggage. But he was 19 years older than me and he knew what he wanted. He was very straightforward and I appreciated his unwavering confidence in a world where I for instance was feeling pretty lost. I never had hoped to find someone with whom I could form a meaningful connection.
HER:
“Send me a photo,” he said. “Go fuck yourself!” I said. First, I wanted to see who I was talking to. I didn’t like sending photos or my phone number until I knew their intentions. Back then we didn’t have smartphones. One day, when I got home from Bucharest, someone texted me: “Hi, how are you?” It was my future husband. “I just want to ask if you’d be so kind as to give me your Messenger address. Only if you’re interested in chatting privately.” Because I was so tired of all those guys asking for a photo or wanting to meet me up for a coffee, I replied “Yeah, sure.” (…) I was joking around. Soon after that, a guy named Santa Claus texted me. I said to him “Here’s the deal, I’m not looking for a fling; I don’t have time for that.” Later, I found out that Santa Claus was actually my husband’s colleague. He was undercover, trying to support him.
(…) I fell in love with his sense of humour. We met in September and in November we moved in together, marking the start of our beautiful life as a couple. He didn’t know how to tell me because he thought I might get upset. “What do you mean? John is Santa Claus?” I laughed my ass off when I heard it. Santa Claus also found a girl on MIRC around that time and now they’re together and expecting a baby. Santa Claus is going to have a child.
HIM: Therapy has become the atheist equivalent of a confession. You know how Christians are — they’re cursing all day, hitting their children in the street, but then they go to church on Sunday to confess their sins. And everything’s fine because God forgives them. Some people use therapy in the same way. “I go to therapy, so I’m better than you.” “I think what I’m doing is so good for me”. That makes them even more dangerous. And those people who spend their time on dating apps are the same — it’s like therapy for them, sending confusing messages.
HER: I have a specific story which seems kind of “peculiar” to me and I’d like to share it with you. It was 2019 and I was in a relationship with someone. We’d been together for about three and a half years, it was a nice relationship, my first serious one. I was 20 years old and happy. We met in our hometown, but we started dating in Bucharest, only after we went to college. We used to talk about everything. We had very good communication skills. One day, we ended up discussing our fantasies. He told me he had been thinking for a while about meeting up with another girl. I was utterly shocked at first. Why is he telling me this when I’m already happy? He noticed my reaction and eased off for a while. After some time, I started thinking that maybe it could be a nice experience for me too and I agreed to do it. Let’s see how we can make it happen, how we can find someone and what are our preferences regarding a third party. He suggested making a Tinder account.
I’d never used Tinder before and I still don’t, but at that time I made an account for both of us on my phone. I uploaded three photos of me and one photo of us together. It was black and white and quite blurry. We set the audience to only girls and chose “Couple” as our username, which served pretty much as a disclosure. No bio, nothing. We also stumbled upon similar accounts; so, it wasn’t that unusual.
We usually looked at other people’s profiles when we were both together. He made me feel safe because I was the only one that had access to the profile. He let me run the entire operation. (…) After a while, tensions started to arise because I felt that the things he liked didn’t necessarily appeal to me and were very different from how I was. In the end I came to understand that those were his preferences and it didn’t necessarily mean that there weren’t things he liked about me. You usually want what you can’t have. You desire the things that are out of your reach. What I liked about other girls were the traits I also saw in myself. I find it interesting how people admire the things they already have.
We agreed to like all the profiles we found attractive and that we didn’t have to agree on everything. And then we matched with several girls. The fact that we did it together brought us closer; It brought a sense of familiarity and ease in the way we communicated with one another and our chemistry changed for the better. Even though we tried to be transparent, we were a bit under the radar. We talked to a few girls from the LGBTQ+ community. Someone said that in their culture, this phenomenon is seen quite negatively, especially when you are a woman and try to find a third partner. The woman is always blamed, as if she is not committed and just looking for fun. “You’re looking for fun while I am looking for love.” It seems strange that members of this community can be very judgmental even though they fight for equal rights.
After all this, a girl texted us. I really liked her profile and the way she talked. She had a sense of humour, she was determined, confident and playful. We created the account in June and this happened in October. I am very happy I had this experience.
I learned many things about myself. This was something that initially scared me and made me doubt both myself and my relationship, but it turned out to be 80% about me.
And then came the COVID lockdown which affected our relationship. We both went back to our hometown and stayed with our parents. If we’d lived together, I think it would have turned out differently. We haven’t talked at all since January 2023.
HIM: I was heading to Bucharest, ready to date two girls I met on a dating app: one on Friday and the other one on Saturday. The first one asked me to stop by her place and have a drink before going out together. And that’s what I did. I went to her house, I said hello, and within three minutes, the girl I was supposed to meet on Saturday showed up. “Hi, how are you?” (…) The conversation reached a point where they both invited me to stay over, and I said, “Okay, I’ll just go get another drink from downstairs.” And then I grabbed a taxi and left. I mean, aren’t two women living together going to talk about their dates?! Haha. I asked someone if they knew these girls and they warned me not to go to their house. When a woman goes to a man’s house, it involves a certain level of consent. And it’s just the two of you, there are no witnesses. But when a man goes to a woman’s home, and her friend is around, there’s no escape — you’re vulnerable as a man. When there are two women and they’re dressed so minimally, any man should know it’s not a safe environment for them.
HER: I even mentioned at one point in… what is it called? It was a sort of a… box where you write your bio… that we’ll get along as long as they won’t ask for my social media profile. It seems invasive to me. What do you want to see? Photos? If you want to see me, we can meet face to face. Even though it’s a digital environment, my social media profiles are for people I know and want to keep close. I don’t like the idea of befriending people I’ve met or talked to only once in my life. I’ve become more selective about those who have access to my digital space.
HER: There was this guy, a really fascinating specimen, whose profile bio stated the following: “I’m not here to validate women. If you want validation then you’re insecure and you need to see someone.” Or “I dare you to tell me your biggest secret, but I’m sure you won’t be doing that because you’re ashamed.” Can you believe it? “I’m not here to validate women…” So, what are you doing on my profile!?
HIM: We’re taught from a very young age that our partner should be our only lover and that love goes hand in hand with monogamy. (…) We do not have the right to adopt children, we cannot get married, and we can’t even hold hands in public without drawing attention. We are together because we choose to be, not because of a social contract. Mutual love and respect mean so much more than a simple fantasy. (…) I tried to explain to a guy from Grindr that being in an open relationship is my choice and that I can be just as happy as someone in a monogamous relationship.
HER: I still remember what my grandma told me when I was 18: My dear, you should keep in mind that if you have other relationships before you get married, your husband will most probably ask about them. And then you’ll see what he’ll do to you.
Somehow, that stuck with me.
(…) He thought it was normal to keep using dating apps. As if I wasn’t enough for him.
I met him online, he was very smart. An engineer. We had many things in common. But he kept talking about Adelina. I thought, okay, he’ll get over her and then he’ll love me too.
(…) I called a friend of mine and I asked them to reserve a room for us. It was a very nice guesthouse, right by the forest. It was so beautiful. These huge snowflakes were falling from the sky as if someone pulled them out of Andersen’s fairy tales.
And after two beautiful nights we spent together, he searched for something on the internet, I don’t know what it was, but I made a joke asking him “Why are you so quiet? Are you breaking up with me?”. And he started crying, saying, “I’m thinking about Adelina.” We broke up and then I met my husband in 2012. And after moving in with my husband, guess who called me? It was December, sometime around Christmas or New Year’s and he probably remembered me. Maybe it was snowing.
HIM: I believe that guys nowadays are afraid of commitment – not saying this applies to every guy out there, but you get the picture. I told my therapist that life is meant to be shared with someone. Being by myself makes me feel very uncomfortable, but I don’t want to dive into a relationship with someone I’m not attracted to. I’m sort of a crazy guy, more childish than others. When women notice that, they think I’m a child. But there were moments when I had to act like a man and in those moments I was more of a man than those muscle-bound hunks with full grown beards.
HER: There was a time I was constantly on Tinder. I didn’t know what else I could do. People I matched with were always the same because the area was limited, so I removed that filter. When I started getting all sorts of suspicious proposals — despite stating on my profile that I wanted a “long term relationship” — I said, okay, let’s also add “open to short-term relationships.”. Nothing changed. I removed “open to short-term relationships” and the app continued to be just as strange.
HER: I’m starting to appreciate loneliness much more than I used to. I don’t want to be single, but I don’t want a relationship merely for the sake of having one. I want my needs to be successfully met, I want something that brings me harmony.
HER: I prefer meeting someone face to face. It’s something else when you see the guy with your own eyes. We can chat on Tinder a day or two, maybe even three, but if there’s chemistry or it appears to me that neither of us has lost interest, I prefer to meet up with you for a coffee. I wanna find out if the guy is able to engage in a meaningful conversation outside the screen.
I met a guy, very good looking, had a great job, we joked, we laughed… he only mentioned he has two sisters whom he helped a lot and visited them frequently and that he was trying to get his driver’s license. He seemed a very nice, thoughtful man, caring for his family. But his phone started buzzing and I noticed a picture of a little boy on the screen. Since he mentioned his sisters and their children, I simply assumed the boy is one of his nephews. And then he grabbed his cup of coffee and I saw the imprint of the wedding ring on his finger. Without hesitating I asked him “so, how long have you been married?” He looked utterly shocked.
Man, that’s not cool! If you are unhappy then break up and admit that you want a different path for yourself out of respect for all the years you’ve invested in that marriage. Just don’t play games!
HIM: I’ve been thinking of a new way of dating and I’d love to try it out: I’d meet her at the North Railway Station, get on a train together and sit face to face at a small table to have our first conversation. After we’ll return in the evening, we’ll decide if we go our separate ways or not. Unfortunately, I haven’t had the chance to go on a date like that. I did suggest it, but the girl was reluctant and I understand why.
HER: I’m the type of girl who always carries a travel kit with me – a little pouch with some cash, because you never know – like 50 lei, in case I need to grab a taxi or something. Condoms, underwear, wet wipes and whatever else I might need. That’s my travel pouch for when I go on a date with someone I like and things get serious. There’s no way we’re doing it “without protection”.
“Hey, have you been tested?”
“Yeah. Everything’s great.”
“I’m not talking about your cholesterol.”
It’s not really appropriate to ask someone about their health. So, you just make sure you have everything you need in case something happens.
(…) I uninstalled Bumble a few months ago. I even deleted my account. I said to myself that I can’t do this anymore. I tried and I tried… I mean, I tried not to be so picky, to talk to people who are anything but my type, just to see what happens. But not anymore, I’m done.
HER: Some people are capable to spend their whole life with only one partner and some don’t. Some have the energy to love multiple partners. For instance, I’m very open-minded, meaning that I could have multiple partners. I do have the knowledge and the energy needed in order to be with two guys at the same time. I know it sounds odd…
HER: My boyfriend thinks we’ve probably met in another life because we’ve always been on the same page, we’ve always gotten along and we’ve been able to communicate really effectively since we first met; everything seems natural between us.
HIM: The girl was a clinical psychologist and worked with children with autism. I thought she had great communication skills. But after we met, I realized how wrong I was. She was 22 at the time. It was one of the best dates I’ve ever had. We bought gyros and because we didn’t know where to eat, I suggested we sit on a bench in the park. Romantic, right? But she said, “No, let’s go to my office” and we stayed there until 3 in the morning. It was incredible, the atmosphere was full of really positive energy. There was this peaceful silence that made you feel great without feeling the need to say anything. It was just WOW. Neither of us wanted to go home. We hugged at United Nation Square. That was our first date. We met again a few days later and I took it as a good sign. I thought it meant she enjoyed the time we spent together. But when I suggested a third date, she said I was moving too fast.
(..) What seemed a bit strange was that after half an hour she started talking about her relationship with her mother. She said she hated her. She asked if I agreed with the idea of hating your parents and I said that everyone is entitled to their feelings. Later that day we talked about how many exes each of us had. She said she didn’t had many, only twelve by the age of 22, and one of them was her reiki teacher, who was also married at that time. Reiki being a sort of guru. I don’t believe he was married, but anyway. I find it problematic to do whatever you want with your body without realizing someone is taking advantage of you. That’s an issue. Especially with this idea of a spiritual guru. We have the case of Bivolaru and that guy from Brad who died. Anyway, I no longer saw her as a psychologist.
HER: Last year, I met this guy on Bumble. He seemed to be exactly what I was looking for, ready to settle down. He was extremely handsome, he shared my sense of humour, he checked off so many boxes on my list, but he was very insecure. I noticed some red flags along the way, but I thought that maybe it’s all in my head, that maybe he’s like that only when he meets someone for the first time. Long story short, he turned out to be incredibly jealous, which I didn’t even think was possible nowadays. He told me it wasn’t okay for me to go clubbing without him because “everyone knows you don’t go to a club only for fun.” He said it wasn’t normal for me to still have photos of my exes on my phone. Mountain trip selfies, photos of my Aunt Gianina’s house in the countryside… He was very manipulative, and I also noticed some narcissistic tendencies.
(…) At one point he said to me that he was going to hurt himself and I was like “wait a minute, come over, don’t you wanna talk it through with me?” I had no idea how to react. I didn’t know if what he was saying was true or if he was trying to manipulate me.
In the end I told him it was clear we had different priorities in life and I couldn’t be with someone who tells me I’m not allowed to leave the house without his permission.
I take selfies when I do my makeup nicely, when I wear a cool blouse, when I look good, or when I go out — whether it’s to the bar or just for a walk. And yes, I post them on Instagram. “You do it to get likes from other guys,” he said. What on earth is all this nonsense!?